I (27 F) have been battling with having a relationship with my dad’s family for years. Stems from physical and emotional abuse from just about every single person besides my grandmother! I have chosen to forgive time and time again bc of my faith, however they are all still very much the same as they were when I was a child. Think cursing, calling children/ eachother out of their name, yelling, cps involvement, lying, and I’m sure you can imagine the rest.

Here’s my dilemma: My little sister (22 F) is pregnant. I have always wished we had a good relationship and the news reconnected us after a huge fight. A year ago last month my husband and I lost our one day old daughter to a heart condition, which was what our last fight was about. My sister said I was selfish for having the last moments with my daughter between just my husband and I… She deserved to hold my baby too and I need to be there for her too.. and so on. This was the first time my family stood for me and she cut me off for it. After reconnecting, I’m trying my best to be a good aunt/older sister in hopes I’ll be able to be there for my niece if she needs me and have a better relationship with my sister through this experience. Not saying this child will heal our issues, more like a bridge and new memories to think about, trying to be positive.

However, every time I say something she doesn’t like or that agrees with my parents, she goes off on me saying to not even come to her shower, I don’t need to meet her baby, I can just drop a gift and go or I can just not go at all bc her baby doesn’t need anything from anyone. She has also gone off like this on other people and my dad doesn’t care. He says she shouldn’t have to change how she expresses herself and how she talks for anyone. Yet if I ever cursed he would yell at me. I would love to blame this on pregnancy hormones but this has been an issue my entire life. My stepmom is also part of the problem. She used to make fun of me with her and her contributions would turn this into a book.

Moving on.

First: My sister asked me about cribs vs bassinets and I explained a crib would be better since you can’t use a bassinet after a certain point of the baby’s weight so it wouldn’t be the best financially to not buy 2 things.

Second: She was gossiping about a family member and I said I can be cordial with them but I don’t talk about my angel baby or certain things with them and definitely won’t at her shower bc it’s about her and she said that was negative and she doesn’t need me causing drama.. Then told everyone I can’t work with this person to help set up bc I’m not over myself. The issue I had with this person was their lack of support after my daughter’s death and them expecting at least a photo of her passed on. I understand others like keepsakes like that or share photos of deceased family members but I personally like to keep those items between my husband and I and find it disturbing when people post it.

Third: She asked me about her registry bc my dad was agreeing with me that everything she was adding was too expensive ($100+ Highchair). I gave her advice and also reminded her that some of our family doesn’t have money like that but that was also “negative” and warranted her going off on me. I can see how that seems negative but it was to help explain why she needed to add cheaper items.

To me these things are so dumb to be this angry over. I was just seeing them as a normal conversation until she went off. She could’ve simply just disagreed, but my dad enabling her behavior and never stepping in, she never learned how to manager her emotions. She is also not paying for anything for her baby shower or life in general and she is very materialistic. She can’t even get money from the county, most likely for abusing the system, we don’t know.

I made her baby shower invites, posters, games, edited photos my stepmom took, helping with diying, etc. My stepmom is paying for some decor and my dad is paying for the rest. Why you ask? She is pregnant by a gang member whose mom is currently on the run for numerous things. He has been with my sister since she was 17 when he was 23 (dad doesn’t care) and lies about his age and job. He says he’s a professional football player for college football (no) and that he’s the same age as her but he’s my age and lives with his grandma over 5+ hours away while my sister lives at home. They have no plan for the future and neither of them seem like they’re going to get a job anytime soon. My sister says she’s starting CNA classes this fall but she can’t even read which is part of the reason we have so many miscommunications.

My husbands take is what is causing me to write this. He’s pushing me to cut them off for my sanity. Although I respond kindly to her and my family, I do end up venting to him about my real feelings. His point was that if she really looked up to me and valued my opinion/me then just simply disagreeing with her wouldn’t make her so angry. There’s an underlying issue. He also said that she probably expected me to be distraught over her finally having something “I want”, a baby, and I wasn’t so it’s frustrating for her. I hadn’t thought about it bc I’m about to finish school so we’re not in a place where we are trying for a baby yet and our sweet angel baby was an accident being honest but she doesn’t know any of that. His last point was me allowing her to re-follow me on social media and letting her see how well we’re doing financially and in life.

Anyway, I find myself having a hard time cutting them off completely. I feel guilty for some reason and remember I make mistakes too. I try to think maybe over time, me being an example, they’ll get better at communicating and being a family. I want to have hope. Any advice is appreciated.