TLDR: I (28f) don’t get along with my siblings and it’s ruining the future I envisioned for having kids. AITAH in these relationships?

My childhood was normal. My parents struggled financially when they were young. My dad started his own business and they continued to be careful with money, although the business grew successfully. My mom was a SAHM but money didn’t “grow on trees” in our household.

I got along with my younger brother (now 25m) and not as well with my older sister (now 31f). She was always a bully and I felt she never got disciplined fairly for it. Instead, my mom punished all of us when we fought. As my sister and I got older, it never got better. She was a troublesome teenager and I saw how much it hurt my parents. As her outbursts got worse, we all learned to avoid triggering her. Honestly, she became a menace and took up so much of my parents’ energy.

When my youngest brother (25m) graduated high school, my dad sold his business. My parents became essentially very wealthy. My brother never did anything after high school, and my sister never finished her college degree. They’ve both been fired from every job they’ve had. In between jobs, my parents support them completely. Now, they seem to have no motivation to find work at all. My sister has been out of work for almost a year. My brother helps my dad and calls it a job.

Meanwhile, I married, bought a house, and my husband and I have been diligently growing our financial independence and stability. We lived at home until we were 25 and saved enough for our down payment in that time. During these young-adult years, I’ve built immense resentment towards my siblings for their lack of pride and willingness to leech off my parents. And I’m disappointed in my parents for enabling them. I’ve had many conversations with my parents - both polite and heated - over the past ~5 years, but nothing changes.

As an adult, I don’t have a relationship with either sibling and don’t know how to. It’s to the point where I wish my siblings would just be normal functioning or adults or I wish they didn’t exist because it’s impacting my ability to enjoy my parents and family gatherings. My sister is manipulative and is only nice to keep the money flowing into her account. I feel like her niceness towards my mom is fake and it makes me sick. My brother has delayed learning and development and is trying, but still falling short of being independent. I love my parents, but they are consumed with guilt over their newfound wealth and “failure” to raise my other siblings well. I became the “golden child” and my sister hates me, which I resent bc all I’ve done is what a normal adult is expected to.

Now, my husband (28m) and I are thinking of starting a family and I’m struggling much more than I thought. I’m terrified of having multiple kids and them having the kind of relationships I have with my siblings. My husband and his brother (31m) are very close, so it’s hard for him to understand. For the first time in my life, I’m considering moving away. I know the boundaries we’d set around our kids would cause major reactions from my family. They’d expect us to compromise to “keep the peace.” I really can’t imagine bringing my kids around my sister and having a pleasant time. She’s a terrible influence and I’m convinced she’d do anything to corrupt them or turn them against me. My mom feels like I’m punishing her when I mentioned our desire to move somewhere new. She has no boundaries or purpose and I already know she’ll be an overwhelming grandmother. I think she longs to “try again” with another kid to prove to herself my siblings’ failures aren’t a reflection of her.

People tell me “you never know” how some one will be and I shouldn’t be so convinced of what will happen. It frustrates me bc I’m wise enough to know the dynamics in my family. I feel I have to accept the sad fact that having kids won’t bring us closer to my family, but our ultimate happiness might actually be in growing apart from them. At least for now. Anyways, I’m considering therapy before making any decisions about kids. My husband and I are also spending this summer working from another state as a way of “trying on” moving away. I hope to have more clarity after that. EDIT: But I’m sad I can’t enjoy the help from my parents who are so eager to be supportive grandparents if we do that.

AITAH bc I’m done trying to improve my relationship with my family? Or for wanting to start my own family away from their influence?