First time properly posting somewhere for genuine advice. Bare with me and call me out where I'm going wrong, all advice is appreciated.

So I 30M and my 23F partner have been together for a year and a half now. We have gone through many phases, I have gone through many bad relationships, I have grown. I know that I have done wrong in those relationships and I know what has been done wrong to me.

I was physically abused in in a 7 year relationship long prior to this one. Every now and then I have nightmares of being stuck there, still. I was 27 when I left that relationship and returned to England, it was the 7th suicide attempt that made me realize, I couldn't hack it anymore.

Okay, that's some backstory on me.

Ever since leaving that relationship behind, I've strived for communication in every relationship that I've been in. I've made sure to have one day sometime in a week where we can sit and talk with some coffee or tea. I believe that I've always been attentive to what is said, consider the angles the views of my partners, I've taken on criticism, understood points and grievances even change somethings about myself to help support my partners.

I strongly am from the point of view that I am always learning, everyday at all times. Life's a school.

Even times while I'm at home (WFH) I'll text my partner every few hours. My job is busy, very busy. There's not a moment that I have free aside from break and lunch times.

I struggle with sleep.
I can't seem to fall asleep when needed and that makes me tired for the next day. On this particular day, I had only slept, give or take, 2 hours. I had expressed this to my partner, informing them that I was extremely exhausted and work was taking it's toll, I work with customers, rectifying issues that they're having.

That same day my partner who struggles with finding work (which I completely understand) and mental health (which I completely understand, again) told me they were having a rough day after not responding to me at work and a few hours after work. I ask them how I can help with this feeling and provide the support that they need, they told me to be myself and provide connection.

We get together and I have a bunch of jokes that I thought were funny, I thought maybe some jokes might help. That didn't work. I switched gears, I spoke about my day and they were receptive, nodding along, acknowledging, but it was obvious that they were distant, very obvious. I switch gears again, I ask if they're okay, but they say "meh" which is their go to. I ask for details, trying to understand what's at the root of their feelings. Nothing.

I was still very exhausted and I put that to the wayside up until now. An hour and a half into this attempt at connection, I found my body heavy and my mind cloudy.

I had gone silent too.

Lost for what to do, lost for what to say, lost for how to provide a connection where it is obvious that it needs to be mainly from me this time, I'm lost.

She says goodbye and I'm defeated and exhausted.

Later that night we text and I'm in bed early, ready to pass out yet I want them to know I'm going to bed soon but I am here to talk.

They tell me they're disappointed, that they told me they're having a hard day and they needed me and I couldn't provide them the connection they needed.

They voiced their concerns and I just couldn't understand. They told me I was being defensive, I don't think I was, somewhere deep down I still don't think so. I was trying to understand where I went wrong, I was asking and even at that point I was still made it clear I want to understand. I didn't feel attacked, I felt confused. I was asking where in what I did was not showing that connection that I was trying get.

They told me it's not about being right or wrong which I never thought it was. They told me it was about understanding them even if they're wrong in my eyes so that they feel safe and heard, even if I'm right. That even if I'm tired I shouldn't bring that up at a time we are talking about their issues even though this applied to the both of us and me providing the best care possible.

Once again I felt lost.

What do I do here, do I not question and accept even If I'm right?