I’m seventeen right now. My mom had me in her 30’s, my dad passed a few years ago and it was mainly just my mom and I growing up. My mom and I had a pretty rocky relationship when quarantine started, I was pretty depressed all the time from 12-14 years old and she would always tell me to “fake it till I made it” when it came to my happiness. She hates it when I cry while she’s “lecturing me” she says “why cry? I should be the one crying” but I can’t help it most of the time. When she’s upset with me, she brings up how I’m ‘failing’ most everywhere in my life and tells me to “forget about college” if I receive one bad grade. She denies any trauma I’ve gone through as a kid, being screamed at constantly and verbally abused by her boyfriend, my dad passing away, she would get mad at me for being upset while my father was alive because “he doesn’t do anything and she does everything” so therefore she would be upset if I would randomly cry over him. She would watch her boyfriend make comments about the food I was eating, and just watch me cry over it, overheard him screaming saying he hated me, and just let it happen, and doesn’t believe me when I tell her about the private conversations him and I have, or at least says “well I wasn’t there”. When she’s mad at me, she tears me down in every possible way she can, she talks about how there’s a reason people hate me, and if I confide to her about someone being awful to me she tells me to look inward and fix myself, she says she has to constantly walk around eggshells with me because I’m too emotional, she tells me that I do nothing and have zero drive and to forget about my future (even though I go to a private school and have only A’s and B’s) she tells me I have nothing ever to be upset about, and if I try to express my negative emotions she says “you’re sad? I’m depressed I’m the one who’s sad.” I can’t ever express to her how her words make me feel, it will end in a fight and she won’t take me seriously. I also have a very unhealthy attachment to her, when she’s mad at me I completely let go of myself, and when she’s happy with me I feel life has meaning again. I don’t know what to do. How do I fix this? What’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with me?