I (26f) recently got engaged to my (26m) fiance of 4 years a month ago. We had conversations before the the engagement about what we wanted for our wedding. Originally we wanted a small court wedding with just us and his kids. We are frugal and don't really like the attention on us. We had an engagement party with my VERY large family that my mom went all out for (she's very... theatrical). I am the only girl out of 5 and, oldest and the only one in a long, commited relationship. During the party we got bombarded with questions about dates, color schemes, venues, and all the overwhelming things we wanted to avoid. We tried to tell everyone we didn't plan to do anything like that but they definitely got to us. They were gonna each pick something they wanted to pay for. We would say what we want and they'd get it. All we had to do was just pay for the band/dj and our rings. Everything else was covered. We decided reluctantly to accept

I do think I need to give some back story on my relationship with my mom as I think its why I reacted this way. My mom is a single mom would worked really hard for us to have a roof over our heads and everything we wanted. I was super involved in school ever since I could remember and she always funded it. She never went to anything though. Every recital I had, she said she would go but never did. It hurt searching for her and not seeing her. I stopped asking in middle school and i stopped searching. And it's not that she couldn't. She would brag about how she had so much unused pto, she would transfer some to her coworkers and still have time available. She just wanted to move up I guess and thought the best way to do that was to be a yes man? Idk. My grandparents took care of us growing up and to this day I look at both of them as my parents. They understand me fully in a way she doesnt. When I was a teenager she got a bit rude. I was called stupid, a heartless bitch and a slut by her a couple of times. For standing my ground and having a lot of guy friends (I had plenty of girl friends too. Girls I was very close to. I don't know what that was about). I was very angry she wasn't around which caused a lot of fights. I know i wasnt a perfect child. But i dont think it warranted those comments.

Now it's just a lot of boundaries that she isn't happy with. I correct things she says to my stepdaughter which she hates. Things like "youre gonna be a bitchy teenager soon". My stepdaughter will not be called a bitch. Just no. One major one is with a family member. Said family member used to SA me as a pre teen. She knows this. But chooses to forgive them and help them. She sends them money and houses them sometimes when they need help. She did when I lived with her which is why I moved out. Anytime they were ever been in town at her house I would hear about it from my bothers, never her. Last year my brothers told me he was in town on Christmas eve. I told them I would drop off the presents with one of them and pick up mine later. She called me 30 minutes later crying saying I need to go to the party. For about an hour I had to tell her over and over I wouldn't not be in the same room as him and he would NEVER meet my stepkids. It wasn't going to happen. She wasn't happy with me. This isn't the only abuser she allows in her life, which tells me she doesn't know what a safe person is, so I do set hard boundaries with her and my stepkids. This is an issue with her now and I know it'll get much worse when I have kids.

Back to now, she's been pushing me hard on things I have set boundaries on. The first was the guest list. I only want people I'm close to there. I have it at 45 but honestly I could get it down to 30 if I really wanted to. My mom is offended. She brings people up I'm not close to and honestly don't know. Extended family I haven't seen since my great uncle died. I have threatened to elope of she didn't stop. Then it was what SHE thought my wedding colors should be. I told her it was MY wedding and what WE want. She backed down. BUT today I got a text from my brother. He has always just gotten me and has my back on everything. He told me my mom had said I was just like my dad's side of the family and I had tacky taste, she doesn't understand my decisions blah blah blah. My dad is a deadbeat. I know who he is but I don't care to reach out. I don't like being compared to that man. She has always blamed our negative attributes on him and his family. It's honestly annoying. And I am honestly offended.

I told my brother I was tired of it. I'm just going to the court with our kids and call it a day. My mom then told me I can't because too many people are going to invest in it and my family is looking forward to it. I simply said "I can and I will". Shes now claiming I'm manipulating and controlling the situation. How it's going to offend everyone who wanted to be there to celebrate us. Keep in mind NONE of the actual planning has started. I just dont want to deal with the arguing and the snide remarks about how I'm doing things. And I can't just cut her out of the wedding. It will cause way more issues than I want. This isn't what we wanted in the first place!

Part of me feels fully justified in my decision. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to "punish" my close circle who is excited for me because my mother is over bearing. I feel like I'm being overdramatic but I think it's because my mom is telling me I'm being overdramatic. Am I being the asshole here???