I am a 26 year old woman. Among my siblings, I have a 5-year-old sister (half-sister). I am very maternal with my brothers and sisters.

My grandmother was never the "cake grandma" but rather bitter, authoritarian, control-freak (over everyone's slightest action). It gets worse with age.

In my childhood, I spent a lot of time with her and we shared many things, but for all that I retain this feeling of being “crushed” by her.

Even today, I have thoughts (like that I've gained too much weight, that I'm going to have disabled children because I'm going to get toxoplasmosis from my cats that she doesn't like, when I have a glass of wine at a restaurant...), anyway, nothing is ever good for her.

As soon as she opens her mouth from now on, it's all negative.

This doesn't affect me because I'm largely detached from what she thinks. But I'm very family-oriented, and even if I avoid sharing things with her that will inevitably be criticized, I continue to go see her. There is this guilt of not taking advantage of it before she dies, of leaving her isolated, I have empathy for her, she remains my grandmother. But when she calls me for example (very, very often...), I answer when I can, I let her talk but I don't tell her anything about my life because everything would be criticized.

Only here, she doesn't like my 5 year old sister (yes, she's also her granddaughter though). Since she was born, she has been angry at my father for having had another child late.

On a family weekend, we were all going to get up from a little nap. My father had gone shopping. I tell my sister that she can come down and that I'll join her, that I'll just go to the bathroom first. My sister is coming down. My grandmother thought she was alone with her and thought no one would hear. She starts to poke at him about his sleeve cuffs and his messy hair when I hear her say to him twice in a row: "You're really just a slut." I was in the hallway ready to go down so I heard everything. The first time I didn't believe it, I told myself I had heard it wrong, but she repeated it. She waited until she was alone with my sister to really spit her venom at him. I was very shocked and sad for my sister.

My sister went back upstairs to cry, we consoled her and I left her with my boyfriend to go confront my grandmother. She felt bad about being grilled, but said she "didn't care" for hurting his heart, expressed no regret for spewing her hatred at him. I asked her to apologize but she never did.

For me it's the last straw, this episode is beyond any reasonable limit, and marks the end of something. The end of my respect for her, the end of my guilt towards her. I want to punish her by not talking to her anymore and not going to see her anymore. I even thought that she deserved to die alone and that she would reap what she sowed. It's also a great relief to feel rid of her, to no longer feel guilty about not loving her (I couldn't admit it to myself and accept it before). However, I still have a little empathy for her. I feel sad because she must be very unhappy to be such a bad person. And perhaps also that she potentially has behavioral problems which develop with age (even if nothing conclusive for the moment. In this case, is this excusable?). I also feel bad for feeling so much hatred towards her because I'm not someone who hates. I feel like a monster for feeling all this.

In short, am I shit for thinking all that and wanting to disown my grandmother?

PS: for the end of the story, we talked a lot with my sister to defuse. When my father came back from shopping we obviously told him about it. He handled it as he wanted later with his mother, knowing that it was already electric between them. Since this event, 0 excuses, 0 regrets expressed. She calls me almost every day as usual, as if nothing had happened and tells me about her life via voicemail (since I don't answer).