I’m hurting so much. I have nowhere else to go. I don’t even know if I’m in the right here.

Me (22f) and my boyfriend (23m) has been dating for almost 5 years now. We met in college and he fell in love with me on the first day. He never told me that until 2 years into our friendship. I said yes when he confessed for so many reasons. I hated men due to a past trauma. I only trusted my dad and my brother. Trusting him was a huge step for me and that only happened because he would only tell the truth, no matter what. In the first few months of our friendship, I asked him if he smokes cigarettes. Or anything of those sorts. I hated it so much and I would immediately have this automatic filter on if I see someone that smokes. He said yes, not addicted but smokes occasionally. I said I don’t think I can continue this friendship the same way and he promised me he’ll change. He then changed so many of his habits and everything negative and I saw it and was ecstatic when he confessed. I mean, a hard-working, man of his words, deeply loving, caring, loyal and kind man. He genuinely changed so much because of the things I had told him, almost like a teacher to him. What more would I want?

We had no past, neither of us of any kinds. Not even a genuine crush. So our bond is the strongest I know. We do fight a lot but is almost immediately resolved because none of these fights are real. All either misunderstandings or arguments with accidental hurtful words. The normal conflicts. We have no secrets with each other, we’re utterly transparent. All of this made me so secure in him and I love him so deeply.

Now, the issue. One of his close friends (he has very few), is a smoker. When they go on random short trips together, he smokes and my dude refrains even though he likes doing it for fun, he’s a man of discipline, so he keeps himself at check. He asked me a couple of days ago if he could smoke just once on trips. That means, he hasn’t stopped it like he promised me but he plans to continue, only on trips for fun. This broke me. If he had said this to me on the beginning of our friendship, I wouldn’t ever say yes, he’d have been off the relationship eligibility because I wanted someone who had no bad habits. He said when he promised, the promise wasn’t as strong as the others he made to me. I feel betrayed, honestly. Just the thought of him smoking hurts me like hell because I love this man. He knows how much it hurts me. He can’t keep secrets from me, so in case he does it, he won’t be able to hide it from me. So he was asking my permission to do it. I refused. Now he says I’m locking him from all sides and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting and I don’t think he’ll understand. He said it’s not that big of a deal to smoke, but it is to me. Just to me.

I need something, anything. I’ve tried talking to him so much but we’re getting nowhere with those talks.