Okay, this has been weighing on me for the past couple weeks now ever since my best friend blew up at me and ended our friendship over this, and I've been kicking myself for having said anything at all.

So, my best friend (32NB) and I (34M) live in different countries. Typically, I travel to visit them twice a year, once for my birthday and once for theirs. They pay my flight when it's my birthday and I pay my own flight for their birthday, because the gift to one another is being able to spend time together. They've never come to visit me, but they don't have a passport, so I've never pressed that--plus, there's not very much to do in my town, so I wouldn't fault them for not wanting to come here anyway. They live in a bigger city in their country with a lot of historical and cultural locations, so I am always excited to discover something new.

For my birthday this year, one of the big things we planned to do together was attend a concert for one of my favourite bands, as they were coming to my best friend's city during the time I would be visiting. We planned to go to two shows, actually - that one and one a few days later in another city - and since they paid for my flight, I paid for all our concert tickets. I was very excited to go to this show with my friend and to show them one of my favourite bands.

After the opener finished their set, my friend said that they were going to sit down for a bit (it was a standing-only venue, but they had some seats off to the side, primarily for disabled customers) and that they would be back soon. I wasn't going to fault them that, so I stayed where I was to keep our spots, and we were texting and enjoying ourselves even from a distance while they sat. However, they soon ran into someone and started chatting, and decided...not to return. At this point, they were busy in conversation to the point of also ignoring my texts. Then, the main act came on, so I stayed where I was because I wanted to enjoy being right there with one of my favourite bands in my face.

Once the show finished, I went to catch up with my friend, who was still very rapt in conversation with the other person, to the point of completely ignoring me. I felt a little squeezed out, like I was the third wheel at what was supposed to be my birthday show with them. When we left, they noticed I was quiet, and asked if I was alright, and I decided to say that, honestly, no, I was feeling a little ditched. My friend had always told me they valued honesty and always wanted to know when they had done something wrong so they could fix it.

However, when I mentioned this, immediately they started yelling at me, and I could barely even figure out what they were yelling at me for--there were a lot of words and none of them were coming out in a cohesive manner. But I'm autistic and I struggle a lot with raised voices and angry tones, so I was having a hard time with the yelling, and I walked away--plus, I don't feel it's fair to stand there and let someone yell at me, when I just tried to talk about it normally.

There were some hurt feelings between us, and when we got back to their place, we each went to bed separately. In the morning, their husband came to tell me that my friend wanted me to leave and go home, and that they would be willing to pay my flight back home. I didn't want to let everything fall apart without even talking to my friend, because it seemed like a vast overreaction, so I tried to talk to my friend. And, I thought we talked it out well--I outlined how I felt ditched, not because they left to sit down in the first place, which is apparently what they were yelling at me about (they thought I was mad that they had the audacity to sit down), but because they seemed to be hanging out with someone else and ignoring me when I tried to meet back up with them. I told them exactly as I mentioned above--that I felt squeezed out and like the third wheel.

I discovered, too, that in addition to them thinking I was mad that they went and sat down, they were apparently hurt that I hadn't gone to join them right away. They never indicated that they wanted me to, and saying that they'd "be right back" implied that they were coming back, not that they would stay there for the whole show--and until they met up with their friend, they were texting me fine, so it seemed as though all was good. I explained that if I knew they wanted me to go sit with them, of course I would have, but that they needed to indicate that because I can't know that unless they tell me, especially since they implied that it would be temporary and they would be right back.

I also discovered that me walking away was a trigger for them, as they were having martial issues with their husband the year before, and he would frequently just walk away when they tried to discuss their marriage. I didn't know about this (I knew about the issues, not the walking away part), and I honestly don't know what I would have done instead, since the yelling at me was causing me distress and I couldn't seem to get through to them to talk instead of yell at the time, but had I known I might have at least tried to do something else.

It all seemed worked out, we realized we both hurt one another's feelings without meaning to, and we learned from the experience. The rest of the trip seemed to go fine--we didn't go to the second show we were supposed to attend, as they said they weren't feeling well that day (and I am not as familiar with their country so I wasn't going to travel cities away on the train by myself with no advance notice to prepare myself), but we still went out and did more things, we had fun staying in and watching stuff together, writing together, etc. The argument was still weighing a bit on my mind, but I told myself I was being paranoid - that my friend didn't hate me, because they were putting so much effort into still having fun with me - and tried to ignore it.

On the day I had to leave, they were supposed to accompany me to the train station (where I'd be taking a train to the city I was flying out from, as it was cheaper to fly out from somewhere else), but they said they weren't feeling well again. I wasn't going to press the issue, they can't control that, so we had a tearful goodbye for a chunk of the early, early morning before I left on my own--and we even expressed excitement for when I'd be back six months later for their birthday. They were not very responsive to my texts throughout most of the day as I was traveling, but, again, not feeling well--I imagined they were in bed and sleeping.

The last text I received from them was after I finally got home about a day later, and they were glad to hear I got home safe (they told me to let them know when I had). Silence followed for about twelve hours, before I suddenly found myself blocked - phone number, social media, etc. - by them, their husband, and their mom, and an email in my inbox stating that they never wanted to speak to me again and I am not welcome to return to their home. In the email, they continued to express anger at me for not having joined them when they sat down at the show, and added to that by stating that, by telling them I felt ditched, I was trying to manipulate them into not talking to anyone else but me (which is definitely not the case--I just wanted to feel included, since I had traveled all that way to hang out with them and to go to that show with them).

It was a little heartbreaking to watch my best friend of the past few years suddenly cut me out, and I spent several days being depressed about it. I wouldn't say I'm over it now, a couple weeks later, but I have adjusted...there's nothing else I can really do but continue to live my life, go to work, do my PhD research, and continue to engage with my other friends. But while I spent those first few heartbroken days feeling totally hurt by them and justified for how I felt, I have been feeling these past few days now like...what if I hadn't said anything at all? Am I the asshole for having said I felt ditched, even though they told me they always wanted me to be honest with them? If I hadn't said anything, maybe our friendship wouldn't have fallen apart. They were clearly extremely angry that I said something, so I must be in the wrong, right?

TLDR (though details are important so please read): I went to visit a friend in another country for my birthday, we went to a concert together, they went to sit down for a minute but then never came back, and it was because they found someone else to hang out with. I told them afterwards that I felt ditched, and they were then angry at me for not having joined them in the first place (didn't tell me they wanted me to), and accused me of trying to isolate them from having any other friends but me. They then cut all ties with me as soon as the trip was over. Am I the asshole for having mentioned it at all, and is our friendship falling apart all my fault?

Timeline of details to help keep it straight:

• I visit best friend in another country as my birthday present since we do this twice year, once for each of our birthdays
• Best friend and I go to concert together to celebrate my birthday
• Best friend decides to go sit down "for a minute" after the opening act, I agree to hold our spots, we text and continue to communicate apart, everything seems good
• Best friend runs into someone they know and decides not to come back
• When I meet back up with est friend after show, they continuously ignore me to continue hanging out with the other friend, only talking to me once that person left
• Best friend asks if I'm okay, I mentioned feeling ditched by them
• Best friend starts yelling, I cannot handle the yelling so I walk away
• We both return to best friend's place, try to sleep it off
• Best friend wants husband to send me back home in the morning, I want to instead talk it out
• Best friend and I talk it out, we discover what we were both feeling that night, they reveal they were hurt that I didn't come join them when they left "for a minute" so they found someone else to hang out with instead
• Rest of trip goes well, though best friend is frequently not feeling well, limiting some of the things we can do
• Once I get home, best friend decides to cut ties with me, still angry that I didn't join them when they sat down, and getting angry at me for feeling ditched because they are allowed to have other friends besides me
• Fast forward a couple weeks: I wonder if I was in the wrong for saying anything at all

(god I know this feels silly for someone in their mid-30s to mention but as someone who doesn't date or do romance, my platonic friendships are the most important relationships to me, so this really felt akin to an actual breakup and, well, it hurt)