1. I am sorry if this is a rambling mess, it’s still very fresh.
2. I’m sorry this is so long, but hey, at least it’s truly fitting to r/AITA unlike most where the poster already knows their answer and just wants validation (AITA for being angry at my partner for cheating!??) Yeah no, this one is actually ambiguous and no side is the perfect victim.

CONTEXT: best friend has bipolar disorder. We are work friends and have been inseparable for a year. I love him but the way he handles his depression and anxiety is infuriating to witness. I am very analytical/logical about my emotions (not that I ignore them; I feel them very deeply, I just don’t let them control my life), and I strongly value tough love as it is the only kind of help that has ever pushed me to change. It’s who I am and it’s what I believe in, but he is not that kind of person. He is extremely sensitive, and for lack of a kinder term, he needs to be tiptoed around in order to protect his feelings. I understand and respect these differences because I value our friendship. The solution to this is to distance myself when I get too frustrated with him, because my honest opinion does nothing but hurt him.

This exact same situation happened for the first time last fall. He went through a phase of hypomania for the first time I’ve been friends with him. I didn’t know what was going on, all I knew was that he seemed to suddenly be overly dramatic about his problems, pressured me and guilted me to console/coddle him, and did everything in his power to make himself feel worse. I couldn’t take it. I explained that I will be distancing myself for a few days and WHY I will be doing it. He didn’t believe me. He told me it was a shitty excuse and that I am just selfish and cruel and I “abandoned” him when he needed me. A week later, we made amends. He apologized for accusing me of being selfish. He explained that during hypomania his feelings become too big to see through, and he tends to place blame on people he loves and deeply regrets it soon after. I heard him out and forgave him. We established a boundary for our friendship in order to avoid this happening again. The rule is that I am allowed to distance myself when I feel that my presence will hurt him, and he is not allowed to make me feel guilty for it because we agree that it is for the best. I do this because I care about him and I don’t want to hurt him.

About a week ago we had a long and lovely conversation reflecting on that time and what we learned about each other and ourselves from that experience. He said he didn’t understand at the time but he’s grown to really admire that I know myself well enough to step away when I know my presence will hurt someone I care about.

But he did it again three days ago, just days after that deep conversation!!! As if that conversation never happened. As if he forgot what we learned from last time.

He blocked me on everything without warning or explanation, told all our friends and coworkers his side of the story, and pretended I didn’t exist today at work. When I finally decided to confront him- I will not be participating in his childish games. If you want to end a friendship, go ahead. But TELL ME you are ending things before blocking me on everything and remain civil and cordial at work. That’s what adults do- he accused me of being abusive and said our friendship is over because he needs to protect himself.

When I say that was the only problem with our friendship I mean it. Besides that one small problem, it was the most healthy and enriching friendship I have EVER had. This is why I am so baffled and insulted.

Here is the text thread. I am blue, he is green.

🟦 I hope today was at least a little bit restful and healing for you.

🟩I'm sorry that I haven't really acknowledged the above. Thank you for the well wishes. I'm emotionally shattered. It's ruining my ability to function. I'm terrified and I'm so fucking alone. Goodnight.

🟦 Okay well I'm going to distance myself for a little while because to be honest I'm getting fed up with your insistence that you are 'so fucking alone. You're not and you know that. You are just so in your head that you cannot see it or refuse to see it and it's getting to be a bit too frustrating for me to deal with.

Everything I want to say would be said with love but my anger and your depression do not mix. It's for the best. Take care.

🟩 This has become a pattern; I’m in crisis, you distance yourself. I’m so heartbroken. Bye.

❗️this is where the problem starts. This is not an okay thing to say to someone, especially given our history.

🟦 Jesus Christ You have even acknowledged why I do that before. You said you understand and actually think it's pretty cool. Now it's back to being selfish and conveniently only happens during a crises. No, it definitely doesn't have anything to do with the way you bitch and moan about how alone you are despite me and SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE caring SO MUCH. Do you not understand how insulting that is??? I do what I can to help you but it's never enough. Are you starting to understand now? YOU push away before I do. YOU close off completely and it's like talking to a brick wall. THAT is when I decide to distance myself. I don't know what to do! I cannot fix you! At the end of the day YOU HAVE TO WANT IT and to be honest? It doesn't seem like you do.

And yeah. It's so ironic that we had that long chat in the car about how it took you a while to understand and appreciate how I distance myself when I'm feeling bad or off because I am doing you a favor. Like. Are you fucking kidding me? Which one is it jackson? Am I a selfish heartless bitch? Or do I know myself better than to lash out on the people care about? Do you want me to scream in your face at a time like this? No? Then you'd better be grateful I am distancing myself. I only went on this rant because of that shitty response I woke up to. I would've kept it to myself, but you asked for it.

🟩 This is so cruel it doesn't warrant a response. I'll be here when you cool down.

🟦 Not cruel.

And do not insult me with an "I'll be here when you cool down" You know what. If you think I'm so cruel and heartless I don't see why you're friends with me at all. How fucking insulting.

🟩 I don't think you're selfish. I think it's good to know when to distance yourself. I know you're there for me. I know people are there for me. You know what's interesting about depression? It makes you feel desperately alone- even when people reach out and provide support. It doesn't mean that I don't know I'm not alone. I don't want you to fix me. I don't put that expectation on you. You took my feelings during my episode and made it about you. It wasn't about you. That's why this is so cruel. And I'm friends with you because despite this you're a fucking wondertul person

🟦 I sure as fuck did not make it about myself. Read my last message to you last night. Then read your response this morning. Anyways. I'm fucking fed up with being called cruel or selfish or whatever insult you can throw at me when I decide it's best to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I do it because I know you can't handle it in your state. You're not the tough love kind. Idk how you can understand that but still act like it's the worst thing I could do to you. You unsent a message And again. You think that text thread was cruel? Yeah that's why I fucking distanced myself. This is so stupid.

🟩 I think a severe miscommunication has happened here. I hope you don't mean the things you've said. I hope this is just a result of you having a hard time. I want to just forget this and move ahead. I know it's not you. I don't care if it takes a few days or weeks. I don't want to lose you. Please think this over. I don't think those horrible things you think I think of you. Please understand that I don't think terribly of you. I really hope you don't feel this awfully about me either. And I didn't mean to push you away. I'm sorry. And I don't want to continue doing this tit for tat. I love you and I don't want to trade insults back and forth with you. I apologize for any condescension or insults. Have a good day. Please know I have only love in my heart for you.

🟦 I'm sorry but I don't recall it being a back and forth. Unfortunately, the only thing I would like to take back is the bitching and moaning comment, it was very harsh wording. I remain insulted by your actions and words. If you don't understand, ask yourself why you felt the need to tell me this. That being said, I'm not sure where you got the idea that I'm ending our friendship. I was simply telling you I was at my limit in regard to this reoccurring issue you have with me.

I told you I would like to distance myself for a while because I can't handle it in a way that can be helpful to you -> you guilt trip me for my decision even though you know exactly why I do this -> I met my breaking point and showed you exactly why I stay away in times like these. This feels so self inflicted. All I am going to say is that this is the last time you will guilt trip me for this.

Btw. I have been feeling antisocial and stressed out recently, and I know this is going to hurt you to say this, but this wasn't born of me being in a bad place. You just pushed my boundaries and disrespected me one too many times. We have been through this before. We have resolved this before. We have reflected on this before. And you did it again. Simple as.

And then he blocked me on everything.

So yeah. I am confused what he thinks the miscommunication is on MY end because today he said the problem is that I made it about myself….does he seriously mean the part where I explained why I would be distancing myself? I asked him this and he said yes. It’s too ridiculous to believe. So, to him, explaining why I am distancing myself is making it about me? Would he rather I just disappear? I reaaallly don’t think so lol.

He insists that it was not manipulative at all to say “This has become a pattern; I’m in crisis, you distance yourself. I’m so heartbroken. Bye.” Nooooo, no. He was simply expressing his emotions. But seriously? Was that necessary? He doesn’t see how manipulative it is? It’s clearly an attempt to guilt trip me. There’s no denying that.

The cognitive dissonance and out of proportion reaction is really just freaking me out. I haven’t been this angry in a long time.

If you’ve managed to read all of this…damn you must be very bored, thank you :D