Hi Reddit,

I’m hoping for some outside perspective because I’m having trouble making sense of my relationship and how it started. I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for almost 4 years. We met at work, and I knew he had an on-and-off girlfriend when we first got involved.

We hooked up one Thursday night, and the next morning, his girlfriend showed up at work. I asked him how she knew he didn’t come home that night, and he said she usually stayed with him on Thursdays and Fridays. That’s when I started asking more questions, and instead of answering, he got angry. I got upset too and told him to leave because I felt like he was using anger to shut down my questions.

What I did wrong:

I assumed he had gotten back with his girlfriend, so that same night I had a guy over (nothing happened), and a few days later, I hooked up with someone else. Looking back, I know it was wrong—even if we weren’t technically together—because I wanted something serious with him.

He came back to work that Monday and told me he broke up with her. I believed him and was loyal from that point on. But I was in a really lonely place back then—I had moved to a new town, didn’t have friends, and was drinking more than usual. One night I blacked out after drinking too much. Before that, I told him it was okay if we danced with other people (trying to be the “cool” girlfriend), but I got upset that I couldn’t get a dance in with him because he was always with someone else. Apparently, while blacked out, I gave some guy my number. I think it was fake and out of anger, because I never got a text from anyone.

Also, three months in, an ex reached out. I rejected him and told him I had a boyfriend, but I did emotionally open up about my relationship. I later deleted those messages out of fear my boyfriend would find them and be upset—but eventually, I came clean.

What he did wrong:

He wasn’t honest about the nature of his past relationship. That “on and off girlfriend”? She actually lived with him and had for years. And they shared a child together. So essentially, I was the side piece. Even months into us dating, she and the kid still lived with him, and I had no idea. I understand needing time to transition, but I wish he had just been honest.

There was also another woman he had ghosted—someone he’d been involved with while still living with his family. His phone blew up at the beginning of our relationship from her trying to reach him. I tried to be understanding and even said he could be friends with her, but he told me they couldn’t be friends because it always turned sexual. Still, later he asked if he could meet her for dinner. I said I wasn’t comfortable given the history, but he went anyway.

That really messed with my trust. I got anxious and started lashing out. We spent almost every day together for months, but then I had to leave the country. While I was away, he met up with her again. I felt something was off and confronted him. He admitted to it and said “things got heated” but he stopped. Months later, on my birthday, he told me they actually hooked up, but “didn’t go all the way.” He also admitted to seeing her multiple times throughout the first 4 months.

To me that felt like cheating because we spent almost every day together and it was implied that we were only seeing each other, but to him it wasn’t cheating. I have tried to let it go and just say we both made mistakes but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if what he did was actual cheating?