This issue has been going on for years!
I 41 (f) met my long term boyfriend 39(m) in late 2020. His wife of 18 years (33) had passed away earlier in the year due to alcohol complications, this is important later. I knew her, not well, but I knew her, I had never met the kids or my SO before she passed but I did hear a lot about them.
When we met I was just coming out of a marriage from an alcoholic who constantly neglected our relationship and my boundaries. I myself at one time was a heavy drinker but at this point I had stopped all together because I did not feel safe around my ex and needed to have my wits about me at all times. Also, stress is my trigger to drink heavily, so I tried very hard to never drink when things were stressful.

My boyfriend and I moved fast. I ended up moving in with him after about a month. This was for a few reasons. First we really really got along well and we had had the discussion that we were both not looking for a rebound or something semi serious if we were going to do it we were going to be all in. My boyfriend has two childern from his marriage f(16) now 20 and m(10) now 14. At first I moved in so he could go back to work. He had always worked away from home and was gone for 2 weeks at a time. So this solo parenting, stay at home parentings, being the main parent was all new to him and I wanted to help him. We wanted to grow together. I was hesitant to get close with the children at first due to how I was treated in my previous marriage by my ex's son. Just imagine the good son behavior. At first the daughter was very hesitant of me being so involved in the family, understandably. Through some conversations with others in the family I learned that the mother was not great at taking care of her kids, they had everything they needed physically, but it seems she usually put her drinking before her parenting and the kids ended up taking care of each other. There was plenty of money and it was basically thrown at the kids so they could do what they wanted so the mother could be left to her own behaviors. The son, actually liked me, he stood up for me and tried to get close to me for the first few months. But though I wanted to be close with the kids I noticed some behaviors that I had issues with. He would steal alcohol, lie, skip school, and really put more effort into getting out of things he needed to do that it would have taken him to do them, like taking out garbage. Basically, you could tell he was VERY spoiled, even his sister was made to work to have her phone, car, fuel, extras. She wanted to work, but he was given anything he wanted, and I found this unfair.

My personality type holds people accountable. And for him it was no different. If he skipped classes, got in trouble, didnt do what was asked of him there would be some kind of punishment, like no phone time, no gaming time, or extra chores. When my boyfriend would come home, he was let off the hook of any and all punishments. I have come to find my boyfriend was the "cool" parent who just wanted to come home have fun with the family and not deal with the drama. Apparently he was like this with his late wife as well. She was the disciplinarian; he was fun one.

We ended up buying a house together a few months later, our relationship was strong even though I had started to realize he had an issue with alcohol as well. He would drink daily, his friends would come over and drink with him, from when they got up to when they went to bed. He was never angry, or belittling to me he would spend time with me and the kids but he always had to have a drink. I guess this was a habit he had had even when his wife was alive but he started drinking more after she passed. This continued even after we moved across town and away from his friends. This because such an issue the daughter would alienate herself from everyone and be ignorant and rude anytime someone would come to the house. It got to the point we had to sit her down and talk with her and reality hit me. She wrote us a letter and said "I just watched my mom die from drinking and now I have to watch everyone else I love do the same thing." That broke me. I realized how much it affected her and I pleaded with my SO to stop drinking around them. He refused. At this point I think it is important that you know, NONE of them went to therapy or did any type of grieving after they lost their mom/wife. My SO is adamantly against counseling due to a situation they through earlier on in their marriage.

I spent alot of time with the kids and tried to get to know them on a personal level I wanted a good relationship with them. I now consider them my kids and will refer to them as mine and they will refer to me as their mom or stepmom. Through getting to know them I learned they did not have a great relationship with their mom, and she was not great to their dad, my SO. But they all held her up on a pedestal and would get very upset if ANYONE said anything negative about her. I had met their late mom/wifes parents a few months after getting with my SO. It wasnt great at first, but after about a year, the grandmother/mom accepted me and was happy I was there to help take care of her family. She was diagnosed with cancer about two years ago and sadly passed. On her death bed I held her hand and promised her I would love them the way "they" (wife and grandmother) would have wanted me to.

I ended up having a few conversations with my daughter about her mom and her condition and how she wouldnt be able to stop anyone from drinking, and as sad as it is, she would not stop her dad from drinking either it was his masking mechanism for his grief. She is such a resilient kid though, shes amazing really. She studied and graduated, got married and is living her best life and keeps us involved with our grandchildren as much as possible. Through our talking her and I have built a very strong bond, especially over dealing with her brother.

My son on the other hand, has become someone I don't recognize. When we moved he met the wrong crowd, and somehow had become the leader of this petty hoodlum group of A-holes. They would all drink, steal, smoke, and break the law any chance they got. All together I have had over 3000.00 of MY money taken from me. My SO, never punished him for this, although I did take a corporal punishment to him once the first time I caught him. My SO still didn't want to be the bad guy. After this his was disrespectful, defiant, and plain ignorant towards me. But when I tried to punish him, I was the one who was to blame. our Son would use manipulation on his dad. He would ACT sad, say he missed his mom, make his dad feel bad and I was the villian. Any other day, when he wasnt in trouble he would make dead mom jokes with his friends.

Our issues with this grew. Our son had absolutely no reason to stop his behavior, he never had consequences for anything. And if he was given one, it never lasted. Even when the police would show up, he was let off with a warning and NO ONE held him accountable. When I would try to even ground him, I would be vetoed by his dad. My SO would say "he will learn one day and hes choosing the hard way". I told him I believe in the "fear of God" method of behavior control. My parents would punish me to the nth degree when I got in trouble even for little things, So the next time I had the opportunity to do it again I would rethink about the punishment from the first time. This method SAVED ME!

His behavior continued to decline. He started failing everything at school on purpose hoping they would kick him out. Made threats, tried to light the house of fire (moltov cocktails that didnt work) and started getting in trouble enough that he still have open court cases in district, municipal, circuit, and juvenile courts in our area. and about a year and a half ago he stole a gift from my brother who had passed the year before and lost it or gave it away, he would never say. HE HAD ABSOLEUTLY no guilt or remorse about it. I came untogether and honestly I would have ended up in jail if I would have gotten my hands on him. I know that is bad to say but if I dont give a Fuck had a face, it would look like him. We also discovered that he was purposefully targeting me with this theft and disrespect and behavior because he wanted his dad be mad at me and leave me so his dad could date one of his friends moms that let him act out. He willingly admitted this to us. My SO shut him down and it was decided between our daughter and my SO that he should stay at his sisters house, and see if I am the cause of his behavior issues. I did not see how that was even fair to try to blame me for his behavior, I cared about him, openly, and tried to talk to him plenty of times to try to identify the problem. He told his sister, that he didnt like that I tried to control him and he was always in trouble. Basically he didnt get away with whatever stupid thing he wanted to do. I held him accountable. His dad has literally ALWAYS saved him.

At first his behavior was not terrible at his sisters, he still acted up at school, got in trouble with cops, ect. It really looked like I was the trigger for him to act out. But then he started to treat his sister the same was he treated me. He made "thats a womans job" comments to her about cleaning and his lack of any respect for women really started to show. Then he started stealing from them and the same behaviors started showing up. IT WASNT MY FAULT! He would get mad at her for trying to punish him. And his dad my SO wouldnt do anything. We surrendered him to the local youth home for a week to give her a break, I refused to let him stay at our house if he was acting like that with her, then I knew I couldnt trust me unsupervised at our house. He lasted a day and they wanted to kick him out.

Put this behavior on repeat from then until now. He recently caught a juvenile case at was put on bond, within a week and at 14, was arrested for the first time. His answer to the Judge when asked about his behavior was "because I can." The judge, our sons lawyer, his PO, DFS, and all other agencies that were involved recommended that he stay in jail to learn something. My SO bailed him out. Now he is under 24 hour supervision house arrest until his accommodations for his sentence is open. I want him to go. I have been the only one who mentioned that he needs help with is emotional development and control, as well as his behavior. I have also been the only one pushing for him to go ASAP. So he can start his sentence and start figuring his life out. I made a statement in court to the judge that anyone who has accepted the bare minimum from him has failed him. Me included. I also said I wanted him to get help so he could get out and show us that he has changed. Even I am willing to give him another chance.

My SO has let his drinking go into overdrive to deal with this. He takes out his anger on me and tells me I dont love his son because I want him to go away to get help. He is mad because I said we have failed him and doesnt think I should be able to throw his family, especially his late wife under the bus and my opinion should matter the least. I know he is speaking out of fear and anger because he finally CANNOT save his child from his behavior. And honestly it feels like no one but me thinks he will learn, do, or show enough growth to be able to come home for a long time if he doesnt get away from where he is now. Nothing we have tried has helped. And I dont think the help he needs is here for now. I think he needs to learn some coping, emotional, and social skills before he can be left to his own choices.

My relationship with my SO if actually great when it doesnt involve our son. We have talked about marriage before this, but now he refuses to even entertain the idea. Our daughter supports me, when my SO tries to blame me for all of this happening and for me pushing for this. But I miss the peace we had before, and she is also convinced her brother is trying to manipulate their dad so he doesnt get close to me when he is gone. I am fully committed to doing anything I can to help our son as long as he is doing the work to help himself. All of this stress has caused me to start drinking again. Not regularly, but heavily when I do. I usually cannot keep my inner monologue turned on and i end up saying something that starts a fight. Again, I get pushed away and am the villian. Athough I plan to stop I feel like my SO should try as well, and I know i will need help to stop again. I want all of us to grow together as a family but I am not sure if my SO is willing to face his grief and issues to help himself and his son.

AITAH for wanted him to be away from his environments so he can get help?