for context, i'll call my ex adam in this story. we started talking to each other in may and slowly got closer. at the time, i knew he liked my friend because she confronted him about it while she got into a new relationship. adam just shrugged and said it was a while ago, which i knew was a lie because he had told one of my other friends he was planning on asking her out (before she got with her current boyfriend). i didn't think much of it. she was pretty, smart, athletic, and it seemed natural any guy would be attracted to her. i also felt like it wasn't my place to feel any jealousy, because adam and i weren't very close. we could have been considered friends, but even then i didn't really know if we had a label.

however, in september he asked me out of the blue if id be his girlfriend on our way back from lunch together. i honestly had no clue he considered it a date, and up until then i felt like we were really awkward together. he told me he was shy, but i thought it was odd how when we were with friends he'd rather send me a reel then turn to talk to me. I ended up saying yes, half out of shock and the other half out of excitement. our relationship seemed rushed, but i figured id go with the flow and that we'd just get to know each other as time went on.

we dated for literally two weeks, but i started feeling anxious. i felt like i hadn't been concentrating on school and my grades were slipping ever since i started talking to him. i seemed hyperfixated on adam, checking my phone to see if he sent me a tiktok or if i got any notification. i started to analyze adam's relationship with my friend (the one he liked), noticing that they still talked pretty frequently. out of not knowing what to do, i decided to call things off thinking that the earlier the better.

i talked to him in person, saying something along the lines of 'i can't see us going anywhere.' to which he silently walked out after we spoke for a bit. time skip to april, we haven't spoken at all before today. it's been weird because we seem to avoid each other but today i broke the ice and included him in a conversation with our mutuals. while we were all talking, i had a huge pang of nostalgia. im not sure if i miss him, if i just want someone to fill the space, or what.

after our breakup, i unfollowed him on all socials so i could get over things quicker. he requested my instagram way back in december, and now im wondering if i should try to rekindle things by following his tiktok. this all sounds so stupid, but i don't know if i should just let things go or do something. i made the call to end things, but now i just wished i communicated my feelings better. how i was overwhelmed, my home life is bad, and how it was hard to concentrate on multiple things at once. during our relationship i did talk to him about my feelings once in a while, but i didn’t want to come off as overly emotional or overbearing because of my feelings. id tell him how i felt rushed or how i didn’t know what i was doing and every time he’d reassure me. i feel like im emotionally unavailable or that i have some sort of issue.

every time i think of our relationship i cringe because we were both of each other's firsts but i feel like we could've been so much more. i just wish i knew what he was thinking and if he's completely over everything by now. it's not like we were super serious or anything but i just want to know. especially because we have so many mutuals and we’re going in the same group for prom im wondering if that’s why these feelings are resurfacing. this might not even matter in a couple of months