So, my boyfriend (18M) and I have been together for a year. It’s been rough—we’ve fought a lot—but most of our arguments come from the fact that he has a lot of trauma and grew up in a split household. He doesn’t really know what a healthy relationship looks like. His father was very abusive, and unfortunately, he was raised to believe that partners are objects meant only for pleasure. Of course, he doesn’t believe that anymore, but it’s hard to unlearn something when that’s all you’ve ever known from your family.

I’ve been doing my best to understand him and be patient, but it’s hard because, understandably, he still sometimes copies the unhealthy behaviors he witnessed growing up—often without even realizing it. He is actively trying to change, which I respect. I express my feelings and emotions openly, but he constantly puts them aside. He’s not used to communication in a relationship. He listens and tries to understand, but old habits die hard.

It’s been an ongoing issue where I feel like I’m not being heard. Instead of seeing things from my perspective, he just gets annoyed and yells. I know this is a defense mechanism. As a kid, he had to be on guard all the time, especially when his lifestyle or choices were questioned. He was never really seen or respected in his childhood, so when I ask him to stop or disagree with him, it triggers those same feelings.

Now to the main issue. We’ve been working on fixing things—being better partners and learning to compromise. I’m a strong believer in love languages, especially when it comes to how we express love. Mine happens to be gift-giving. I’m not the best at expressing myself any other way, but I also show love through acts of service—like cooking. I cook for him all the time because I know the way to his heart is through his stomach.

But my boyfriend doesn’t want anything from me—not even food—because everything costs money. So when he told me he didn’t want anything for his birthday, I was confused. I didn’t know how to handle that because it feels wrong to just say “Happy Birthday” and do nothing. I don’t think he meant he wanted nothing at all, but whenever I try to do something, he always responds with, “I feel bad you had to pay for dinner,” or “I feel bad you spent so much making that steak.” Even when I say, “Hey baby, let’s go on a walk,” it’s met with, “That’s not really my thing.” He just seems unhappy no matter what.

He mentioned wanting to go fishing, but even that costs money—we’d need a license, and the private property my friends have doesn’t really have fish big enough to catch. It feels like a lose-lose situation. So I finally said, “Can we meet in the middle? Can I buy you one gift, and then we’ll do whatever you want?” He still said no.

So I texted him, “You just want a ‘Happy Birthday, baby’ and that’s it?” and he said yes.

Something in me kind of snapped—not in a dramatic way, but emotionally. I think it was a buildup from constantly feeling like he won’t meet me halfway. I tried giving him examples to explain how I feel: “It’s like if I told you, for our anniversary, I just want you to give me money and nothing else.” I know he’d feel hurt by that. He likes giving me big, grand gestures. He’s always talking about how he wants to spoil me and give me the world.

He responded by saying gifts make him uncomfortable because he doesn’t feel like he has anything big enough to give back to me. But for our anniversary, I spent around $30 on him—just a few clothes I got with coupons at the mall. And he has access to coupons too, so I’m not sure why that’s an issue. (We are financially comfortable)He’s also planning a whole meal and picnic for our anniversary, which honestly makes me uncomfortable because I’m not great with grand gestures like that. But he doesn’t seem to care that I feel that way.

Small update after I wrote all this he says he wants something to do but everything cost money that he likes to do. Idk what to do because he still doesn’t want me to spend money.