This will be a long story because there are multiple things I believe I did wrong but I will also go in-depth and as unbiased as I can to avoid influencing your thoughts reading this. I will also give explanations for why I did what I did as accurately as possible so others that read this can avoid making the mistakes that I made or to help others in similar situations. Before hand I just want to also say that I'm sorry. The main reason I'm posting here and not to r/confession is because they don't allow posts related to this subject, but thats not to say that this post isn't relative to r/aitah as I have told the main problem of this story to others and they believe INTAH but regardless I still believe I am, so I want to see what others will think regardless if it doesn't make me think otherwise. Sorry again for dragging this story out this far, just felt I had to explain those things going in. Here it is.

To start, me feeling like ITAH started with how I THINK my family, mainly my dad treated me. I'm not going to get completely into detail on it now until later in this post when it's more relevant but just know theres a chance I might have been overreacting about it, but nonetheless me feeling like ITAH began there. for time period this was from kinder to the end of junior high, 8th grade, maybe even partly highschool. Im also not saying that I went through abuse or that it happened that long but I constantly felt shamed by my mothers side of the family and dad and that a lot of the times, from my biased perspective, i felt like i was made to be less than them, but there were things they did for me and were outspoken about how they did things for me so i felt I couldnt complain and i hardly if ever did because of it. another time i felt that ITAH was during the period of 7th grade - end highschool over porn. Its my belief that I am addicted to porn, and it started in 7th grade. To note, before it began around 4th-5th grade i remember guys at school always talking about girls in vulgar ways and what porns and nude scenes ect they watched and what fantasies they had of doing things to other girls, and as we got older some of those fantasies even included some teachers. mind you i went to a catholic school to add on to that. I dont mention these facts to shame those boys but to point out that because they talked and felt those ways and i knew so little at the time that i had no idea the things that would come out of their mouths that it made me feel ashamed. i didnt know what any sexual terms were. for instance dick and pussy. for one they had a hard time believeing at first that I didnt know the things they did. Afterwards theyd keep describing me as innocent whenever i asked what something meant because I knew nothing. Honestly a lot of my "sex-education" came from this period of asking them what things meant as well as through porn which, again, started in 7th. What was the main factor that led me to porn was a somewhat close friend at that time that I had. I dont remember exactly but our conversation started about porn and he was upset at me and accused me of lying when i said i didnt fap or watch the stuff. He said, "everyone watches porn my mom even said so" and to this i didnt really say anything else other than i didnt, but it made me feel unnatural for not doing something other boys my age were doing. I cant remember if it was the same day or the next day, definietly in the same week, i started looking up how to masturbate on my dads pc when Id go to his house. for context on that my parents had joint custody. Now you think i would have found an answer right away but admittedly there wasnt really an answer or i was that dumb of a kid. when i would search on the internet for how i would get different methods of how to masturbate and not really a straightforward video or guided explanation on what to do. It made me feel more weird and especially stupid. I spent a couple of weeks just looking on how to do the deed and when trying i would give up on it off and on because I felt weird about it, thought what i was doing was wrong and uncatholic, and wasnt sure if i was gonna hurt myself. Eventually it happened. Afterwards i told myself i wasnt going to do it again but I as a human couldnt really help how i felt. Id get boners and i hated the feeling and that i had little to no control over it and they made me feel like a pervert but the only way i knew to make it go away as fast as possible was to rub one out. besides it admittedly just also felt good. id keep in this cycle aftwerwards of not wanting to keep masturbating but also wanting to deal with this feeling i was having, which also made me feel better. the methods of masturbation i had found previously came up as an execuse. i told myself i would masturbate this or that way to see how it feels and then stop, but then it became about wanting to see the latest porn vids or wondering what was posted, because very soon when i began masturbating i felt the need to see porn to help me. in my mind i guess i just needed to see the action to help me visualize what i wanted to do or what i was supposed to do because i didnt know what the fuck to do. i didnt know anything. of course it got worse i started watching more porn and being with how my main household was i could only really watch it when i went to the restroom. id spend an hour in the bathroom and my mom who i was primarily with most of the time would never leave me alone whenever i went. a lot of times she would knock on the door and ask me what i was doing, even trying to open the door and i would have to hold it shut from my side because there wasnt a lock on it. the door just closes. mind you she would also know whenever i used the restroom because our house wasnt a house but a room with 4 walls with a kitchen and bathroom. she slept in one corner and i slept in the other. of course we had beds though. there are other issues me my dad and family members have with my mom but like talking about my dad ill save those details for latter in the post. the main reason i mention my mom though is she is a devout catholic and besides asking me what i was doing would say i better not catch you doing anything. to her i was always doing something wrong and she'd think i was constantly talking to girls or that i was "up to no good" in her words but i really kept in my own lane for most of my life, even up to now. But these things added to me feeling like ITAH and especially because masturbation is considered a sin. in fact every confession i had that was the one and only thing i could think of to confess. again like i said tho over time me watching porn became more. i then started seeing few instances of lolicon. for one, it wasnt sought out. i didnt go seeking the stuff out, but i did find it and did the deed to it. not my proudest faps. to understand why though in my mind i thought if its online and i can see it, then its legal, and if its legal its ok. to add, it wasnt about a fantasy with minors for me. it was how the characters were drawn and sexualized, for instance and how it started, was with shadman. i dont remember how but i came across his drawings and others on a site i used to frequent. i even questioned myself before during and after, even stopping, looking at something else and then going back to it. in the end i decided not to think too hard about it which i think was the wrong choice. after this i would look up shadman drawings and drawings others would do if i thought it was appealing to me. towards the end of highschool and the beginning of college freshman year i started losing my faith and i also accepted that masturbation was ok but i still thought in the back of my mind that i had a problem with it and was addicted. now heres where the main story begins. during this transition period from end of highschool to freshman year of college I had met someone online. This person i had never met before or seen but i had been introduced to by an aquantence of mine on a discord server. he invited this girl who ill call mio for annonymity. to note though, the name she gave was not her real name, she said as much, and said to only call her by her nickname and she would never tell us her actual name. after meeting her she sent me a friend request and would talk to me or vice versa every once in awhile through dms. sometime in my early freshman year of college we started talking more. I cant remember how the talking started but i did ask for her age at one point and she said 18. when i say talking it was nothing sexual, nothing weird, just talking about our days and people and what happened to us or playing video games together. shed tell me about other guys she would talk to, how weird they were, how clingy obssessive and other things. there was one guy who would repeatedly make new accounts to message her constantly her blocking him on multiple accounts but she would always go back to messaging him saying he was rich and wealthy and she could handle him. she was also very violent. she would talk about murder and killing and hurting peoole but i never thought of it as an issue because for the most part this was the most amount of time i had spent talking with a girl and never would have thought that id be able to. now these next details i cant remember the timeline. i wish i could for myself but it was such a long time ago. eventually i found out from someone else that talked to her that she wasnt 18 and had been lying. at first i thought it was a joke and didnt believe it but i wasnt sure. to add we had seen each other through facecam at this point but i was convinced she was 18 because she was dorming at a school. she never said what school, always said she was 18 and always wouldnt tell anyone her name, other than the nickname she wanted people to call her. when i asked her if she was lying she didnt admit to it right away. i cant even remember how long it took her to be honest with me. eventually though she did and said she was 16. again before i talk about this next really bad part I dont remember when i found out her age. i dont remember if it was before or after, but regardless i shouldnt have. one day we were talking late at night and she asked me out of the blue, would you buy me these sex toys. at first i felt really weird about because we had never talked sexually or anything remotely close to romantic. i felt stupidly bold and said, only if i get to see you use it. she then, right afterwards cam called me saying to share video and revealed her self in bed nude on cam. we had "e-sex". it is the worst decision i have ever made in my life. and lead to even worse decisions. afterwards i asked what we were and she said we were open relationship and could keep doing stuff together. it was some weird relationship i found myself in, but she didnt want me talking to ither girls if she didnt know about it. she would ask begin to video call me and would demand money for e-sex which i protested and questioned at first but she would say, i love you, i really need it, and would berate me if i said no, saying i was cheap, give me the cold shoulder, ignore me, and i didnt understand why. it was the first time i had been in a relationship like this. i had never had any sort of a relationship at all. i felt like i had to make her happy and she was better off with the money i had because i didnt deserve it. when id ask why she always made me pay for e-sex and question that she didnt care about me she'd say she did and other things. she'd also say she was making other people pay too, which i could partly believe because she said thats why she kept going back to and talking to one of those weird obssessive guys because she said he was really rich. except now i guess i was in his boat too. although i never made multiple accounts to contact or talk to her and i tried to stay on her goodside. i was worried this person i spent so much time with i wouldnt talk to again. one day she tells me that one of the guys that she was talking to and hooking up with irl raped her. after this i began to question what all of us were doing. I decided to call 911 in her state and tell them that a minor is doing sexual acts with older adults but the officer on the phone said we cant do anything about that, only the victim or their parents can do something. i had to get her name though. and she absolutely wouldnt tell me what school she went to. i then gave up on this. eventually i began questioning if she was making everyone pay or if i was just a loser, which i was. i managed to trick her into giving me access to her discord account and while on it i found out, of course, she was only making me pay. i confronted her on voice with what i did, what i found out, and that i didnt want to talk to her anymore. she started apologizing, crying, said she loved me, said she wouldnt make me pay anymore, i said bye, unadded but she kept messaging so i felt forced to block her, then she started making multiple accounts to message me. i started to feel like it was my fault and i did this all to myself, which im pretty sure is true. She then started talking about self-harm and suicide and that if i didnt talk to her she'd hurt herself. because of that i added her back and started a voice call because i was worried. we talked for awhile and then after we made up. we then went back to how things were before she started asking me for money but everynow and then she would ask for a couple of dollars or for me to get her food or a game . we also kept e-sexing but without charge. i also want to point out why i thought this was ok although i know it was wrong now. i first want to say it was a multitude of factors. for one she went to such lengths to keep talking to older people and she wanted to keep talking to me so i thought it was ok. there was also a huge presence of inline relationships with various gaps on discord. me having a discord relationship with our age gap was not uncommon and there were multiple other couples across different servers at that time and even before. i also did not think our age gap was that large. in my highschool years i also read a book called the disappearance of childhood which i may not have read entirely but as my teacher described it, kids act like adults and adults act like kids, the lines are blurred. i also had a friend who was my age at the time dating a man in his 30s with kids and my parents themselves have an age gap. all these things despite it being illegal and how things were portrayed around me and in the media lead me to think maybe the law was wrong. of course, i was wrong. going back to mio, eventually she would ask me for less and less until i agreed to give her anything. i remember one time this happened and she asked for money for food but i didnt want to give her anything, then she went on to asking for 3 dollars saying comon its just 3 dollars why wont you just give me 3 dollars youre broke, and she would beg and beg and berate, then i, a loser, gave in and gave it to her. during this time after finding out i also started contemplating suicide. i also had planned and bought materials to assist me in my suicide but in the last moments before setting things up i pussied out and talked to friends. they told me to get rid of the stuff but even then i still contemplated it. i didnt exactly tell them why i felt that way or what was going on. they did know about mio and met her though as i introduced them to her and vice versa to have them talk to and be friends with each other. other than the start of my suicidal tendencies and thoughts i also started avoiding her off and on. I would start wondering if she was being honest and constantly felt she was lying so our relationship was off and on being broken off by me, apologizng because i felt insane, and then going back and that was a cycle. eventually i met someone else. this is the second if not worse mistake i made in my opinion. after breaking off things with mio for maybe the 4th or 5th time after the initial one i met ray who like before is only for annonymity. She was not like mio at all. when we started talking she said she was 18 and eventually i asked her to be more than friends. she said sure and i asked for sensitive photos and she sent me them but when i got them i got really worried. she didnt seem 18. i talked to her about it and begged her to please be honest and she said she was 16 and she started apologizing and saying please dont ignore or block me over voice. I was still skeptical about talking to her but at the same time i just came out of a terrible relationship, wanted to be with someone else, and she treated me like a person. most of our time together was playing or talking or watching videos. but i messed up so bad. when i found out i should have never keot talking to her. i found out from her friends that she was actually 14. she had also kept sharing sensitive pictures of herself, and being such a pos i kept asking her even after finding out. i thought those r things youre just supposed to do in a relationship.with how things went at my school and because she had mentioned watching porn herself i thought it was ok. i know now that im disgusting. eventually after introducing her to my friends at the time and telling them her age they told me that maybe i shoyldnt talk to her. afterwards it began to gnaw at me over and over all the time that i shouldnt keep the relationship going but at the same time i didnt want to make her feel bad which maybe was me giving myself an excuse. i also stopped asking for pictures but she still had other ones posted in our dms. eventually i found out from one of her friends at school that she was in a relationship with a boy at her irl school and that she thought we had stopped talking. i thanked her and then talked to ray about it saying i wasnt mad and that she shouldnt cheat on the kid she was dating at school, that she shouldnt do that to him. i say this because she wanted to keep talking to me and continue our relationship the way it was photos and all. i asked her to delete all her photos, to be fathful to her boyfriend and told her i wouldnt block or unadd her and that we coyld still be friends. this is because she was worried that i wouldnt. after that we hardly talked again. to note i never went out of my way after this to try and talk to her. if she talked to me or asked me to play something i did but it was not sexual at all and i never asked or mentioned about anything. i also felt too ashamed to talk to her. What i did was fucked. ive told 3 people in my life years after this happened about this in not as much detail but with most of the same main details. Each one says INTAH but i dont believe it. regardless i want to see what others think even if it wont change my mind because i want to see what the general opinion is, and also i hope other people will see this and decide not to do what i did or to stop what theyre doing if they are experiencing something similar. ive thought about posting like this in the past multiple times but didnt. what lead me to post now was i saw a reddit post that asked, why youre still living and honestly i just shouldnt. iv had multiple suicide attempts, most serious one not really. ive been hospitalized multiple times more. i guess the only reason im still alive is because i feel like im such a failure i cant even die right. im also afraid to die a painful death, but with that being said my last serious attempt was driving into a wall and bruising my whole body pretty bad. i know other people want me dead. the world hates me and people like me. im unforgivable. you know, they always say things get better or everyone can change or everyone gets a second chance but thats such bullshit. there is none of that for people like me. I mean be honest do you think pedos get a second chance. can a pedo be redeemed? theres no redemption for people like me. I dont online date anymore, and if i do start dsting im asking for id. i dont have any friends, i dont talk to anyone, i keep to myself. If you have any questions i'll reply. sorry for making such a long post.

ps. i was going to talk about more things like my parents, mothers side of the family, and even the potential involvment of the fbi but ive decided to save all that for other posts if people even care to hear about that. to explain shortly about the fbi however i will say they never "directly" confronted me, but i do believe that they decided to let me go, why? i have no idea. they were testing me and i didnt do what they wanted me to do so i think thats why they let me go. that or they are planning on picking me up at a later time or date. again, more on that in another post if yall care.