AITAH for hating my mother in law and suggesting that my husband would go no contact with her?

My husband (22 M) and I (23 F) met in a very unexpected place and after dating for 7 months got married. From the very beginning she’s hated me.

Very early on in our relationship, there was a weekend in August of 2023 where I was supposed to meet his parents (on separate dates as they are divorced and his father is remarried). I met his father on a Saturday and had a great time. At the last minute I had to back out of meeting his mother. That Sunday they were hanging out and she was terrible to him the entire time. She continuously criticized him and told him to “go be with that girl instead” when he was texting me every so often. I guess she got fed up and decided to end their game of bowling and dropped him off at home without a word. After that, he didn’t hear from her for over two weeks.

Christmas time rolls around and we decide to spend Christmas in his hometown. I met a lot more of his family who instantly loved me and who I have grown close to. During this time, obviously he wanted to spend time with his mother so we met her for brunch. It was one of the most awkward meals I’ve ever had. She said hello to me and that was it. Never asked about school, work, personal hobbies, nothing. All she did was talk about herself while her son was trying to share what was going on in his life and try to have her get to know me. After brunch she invited us to her house. We arrived and her house was gross. She had bought a Christmas gift for me which was shocking to say the least, but I was so grateful because I thought, “Well maybe she doesn’t hate me.” They both showed me baby picture of my husband and had we a few laughs. We left and that was that. Once the holidays were over, my husband and I went back to school and continued our long distance relationship.

In January of 2024, my husband and I decided to get married in March. He shared the news with his family so that they could start planning their trips for our wedding and this is when shit hit the fan. His mother became extremely upset and decided to text me letting me know that she wanted to have a talk with me. She had to “schedule me in” and a few days later we had a talk. When I answered her call she just let me know that she just had questions for me like “Why do you want to marry my son?”, etc. I never got the chance to answer any of her questions. She spent over 30 minutes trying to convince me that I was “stealing” him away from his family and that I shouldn’t marry him because I was “going to ruin his life”. She continued to say that there was a religious relationship book we HAD to read before we got married, IF we were still going to. I was trying my best to be patient with her, but I snapped. Essentially I told her that we were adults and capable of making our own decisions and I didn’t need her to tell me what I am and am not going to do. She kept running her mouth and I decided to hang up on her. I told my husband what had happened and unfortunately, he is so used to her behavior that he wasn’t surprised at all. She said that she wasn’t coming to our wedding and that was that. About a month later I sent her the electronic invitation and she then called my husband saying that I was disrespectful and that he should reconsider his decision.

Because I love my husband, I decided to be the bigger person and try to make peace with her before beginning our marriage. A week before the wedding I sent her a message apologizing to her and saying that I wanted to start fresh so we could have a good relationship. Of course she came to the wedding and it was actually a wonderful day. She gave my husband her deceased mother’s wedding band and that’s when I thought things would really be good between us. I texted her every here and there to say hello and messaged her on Mother’s Day. We even went to visit her for the 4th of July.

In August of 2024, I finally graduated and my husband and I got to end our long distance relationship. We got our house together and invited her and his god parents to our house for Labor Day weekend. This is where everything went to shit...

Immediately when we picked her up from the airport she started criticizing the both of us. What we were wearing, how we were putting her bags in the car, the smallest unimportant things. We took her back to our house and she starting criticizing it. This was our first house together and we both just gotten out of school so we didn’t have much in terms of furniture. We had a couch, a TV, and a bed. That was really it. But we were so proud of our accomplishment that it just felt like she was raining on our parade. Lunch was her idea and we went to this Mexican restaurant. Again, it was her idea. Surprise, she started criticizing everything and being racist/rude to the staff. I was getting fed up, but I was holding it together for my hubby. For the rest of the day we just hung out at home and watched a movie. Late that night his god parents showed up and I couldn’t have been happier because they don’t like her much but they tolerate her.

The next day we went to a birthday party for my husband’s coworker’s child. On the way there we discussed our plans for the evening and my husband wanted to go to this dancing bar he had been talking about for a while. However, his godparents didn’t pack anything that would have followed the dress code and since they were only there for a few days they didn’t want to buy anything. His mother just kept pushing them to buy something. Then when we told her no was the final answer she said her and her son would go together, excluding me (of course) and his godparents. I told her that wasn’t fair since they were also guests and we should find an activity we’d all like to do together. And of course, this upset her. Fast forward, we get to the party and I’m ready to explode. There were seats everywhere and his godparents sat off to the side while his mom, my husband, and I sat together. She continued to push the idea of going to the dancing bar and leaving his godparents at home. I snapped. Again. I told her that she needed to stop being pushy and it was disrespectful for us to excluded them when they drove 12 hours to come see us. I told her I was getting tired of all her little comments and I was done putting up with her attitude. Her response? “Um, are you talking to me?” I told her I wasn’t sure who else I’d be talking to. She scoffed, stood up, and walked away. Her son? Followed right behind her… I go find his godparents, who had left the birthday party and went to a store next door. I explained everything to them and they calmed me down. We sat in the car. My husband’s mother had also done some shopping and came to the car to drop her bags, but saw me and SLAMMED the door shut.

On the very awkward ride home, his godparents tried to do some small talk. Somehow or another the topic of having things in common came up. His godmother said her favorite color was hot pink then his mom goes, “OMG we have the same favorite color, we should get married!” then looks right at my husband and I… We have the same favorite color and apparently that’s the only reason we love each other… We got home and I immediately went to our bedroom and cried. I tried so hard to make peace with this woman and tried to keep my mouth shut for my husband’s sake, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. My husband tried his best to comfort me, but I just wanted her gone. I later found out that after this conversation he asked her to leave. I know that was so hard for him.

The next morning I got up and told myself that it was going to be a good day and that I was going to be happy in my home. My husband and I started the day with lots of laughter and making everyone breakfast. I enjoyed those 20 minutes of joy. His mother approached me and asked if we could talk privately. I politely replied that I did not want to talk right now, but I would be open to talking privately later in the day. She went off on me saying that I was disrespectful and that the state of our relationship was my fault because I’m too stubborn. I lost my shit. I told her if she didn’t like it she could leave. “No! I’m not going anywhere! My son is here.” I grabbed my phone and left my own home. I called my mother and she tried to calm me down. After a lot more arguing, my husband and I decided to go to the mall and his godparents were going to stay and calm her down. After hours of dreading going back home, we went and decided to have a “family” talk.

First, my husband’s godmother came to me and wanted to talk privately. The entire time we were gone his mother was talking shit about both of us. BOTH. I expected her to run her mouth about me, but her own son? I almost couldn’t believe it. Almost. She was saying that I was disrespectful and that her son should have never married me. She was also talking about how I “didn’t know” where my wedding band came from (even though her son told me the day we got married after she asked him not to). I also found out she had recorded that “Why do you want to marry my son?” talk without my permission. As far as her son, I think what she said about him was worse.

(For a little background, my husband grew up mostly with his mom in another country after his parents divorced. He was experimental with drugs in high school. His mother was also verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to him. She would constantly kick him out of the house and leave him with no money and no way to get anywhere. One time she kicked him out so he called his godparents to ask them for a little bit of money to help him stay in a hotel for a night.)

During the conversation between his mother and godmother, his mother told her that the night that he called her to get money for a hotel he actually called to get money for drugs. Telling her that he lied to her and has been using her for money all this time… None of that was true.

Obviously, all this information just fueled my fire and I was ready to fight.

We all sat at the table to have this “discussion” and his mother started by asking me what the issue was, so I started from the beginning. Immediately she cut me off asking for relevance. His godfather was acting as the mediator and told her to let me talk. I won’t get into every detail, but I pretty much explained everything I’ve said so far. She kept cutting me off and trying to make herself feel better by saying things like “That wasn’t my intention” or “That’s not what I meant”. I eventually just stopped trying to level with her because it was obvious she didn’t care about what I was saying. She started talking about how we weren’t making her feel comfortable and that we were bullying her. She started getting loud and rude to me. We brought up how she was lying to us and talking shit behind our backs like we weren’t all going to speak to each other about it. We specifically brought up the “lying about a hotel for drug money” thing. She got even more upset then preceded to make fun of my husband for overdosing a few years prior to us meeting. This was the most disgusting, disrespectful thing I’ve even heard a mother say about her son right in front of him.

My husband was silent the entire time. He felt stuck in the middle. Which I understand, but I was upset because I wanted him to take my side in front of me and tell her to fuck off.

We kept making valid points with her and she ended up crying and hiding in the bathroom.

All of us took a minute to breathe and went on with our plans to grill outside. Everyone was leaving the next day and wanted to at least enjoy one evening together. We ate and watched movies.

Once everyone left, I told my husband that I did not want her to visit us again and that I wanted nothing to do with her.

About two months ago I decided to block her on Facebook as I was honestly tired of seeing her face and her BS posts. A few days ago she asked my husband why I blocked her. He was confused and I had to tell him that I did block her and why. Yesterday she texted me saying, “Hi. Do you want to share with me why you blocked me on Facebook?” I actually laugh out loud and turned to my husband telling him I wasn’t responding to her. Out of pure spite, I decided to block her phone number as well. She hasn’t spoken to me since she left our house in September. No happy birthday, no happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas, Happy New Year, nothing. I don’t owe her a damn thing, let alone an explanation.

It is my personal belief that you do not owe your family anything, especially if they disrespect and degrade you. I am no contact with many of my own family members because of situations that made me feel disrespected and degraded. If I wouldn’t let my own mother talk to me like that, why would I let his mother?

He knows that I don’t like her and that I am awaiting an apology (that I will never get). However, I’m terrified to tell him that I want absolutely nothing to do with her ever again and I never want our future children to be around her. I respect that he values her position as his mother, but I don’t think he should continue to let her think that her actions are okay and that he should initiate a no contact relationship with her. He does not deserve the way she treats him.

AITAH? What should I do?

I apologize for the long post and any errors or mistakes, I can clarify any confusing language