I 34m have been married 5yrs (together 15yrs) to husband 36m. In this time we have both grown up and have changed a lot. We have always fought (alcohol is involved 9/10 times). These fights aren’t excessive in quantity but very explosive. It’s 2 people going for the jugular in the worst ways possible. The most recent altercation he recorded me but what’s worse sent the video to family and friends. He’s done this before. While I know my part in this I can’t help but feel really betrayed. I know I am not innocent but I feel like he wants to destroy me and keep me down all the time. We both hurl insults and we both have also gotten physical in the past. I’m really not violent by nature but this time I punched him right in the face when he pulled a camera out on me again. I know it was wrong of me. I crossed a line I haven’t crossed before ( all previous physical altercations were me defending myself and basically letting him hit me). He won’t speak to me at all. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I was wrong but the camera really enraged me. Mind you he will sit there and tell me I’m fat ugly balding etc, then pull out and record reaction. I’m worried now the next time this happens he will try to have me lose my job or who knows what. I told him last time I was done if he did it again. Problem is this time I got physical first. I gave in and lost it so I feel like this is on me. I’m contemplating divorce but 15 yrs is most of my life and it breaks my heart so much. Am I the ah? Should I run? I can’t even get him to speak to me. My mind is so all over and I’m emotionally exhausted.