Me F/22 met my now partner M/23 last year. Before I met him, I was in a relationship prior that was so bad. My ex would curse at me, make fun and belittle me in front of his friends, would always attempt to smack me without touching me physically. When I finally woke up from stupidity and built the courage to leave. I know that at some point I would run back to him had he just send me an I’m sorry message. So, in hopes that I wouldn’t do so, because I was so weak to him -asked my friends what I should do. They suggested to try the bee dating app and talk to people. With all the madness in the world, specifically to men. I thought ‘if you would constantly hurt me, then I would just do the same without feelings.’ So I was single meeting and dating men, having sex with them for a night then ghosting them. It was really fun and exhilarating at first but then it drained me. I realized that, I was being used and let myself be used. Full of regrets and feeling that I do not deserve any love, nor to be treated with respect because I was a whore who did not value myself.

Afterwards, I stopped and focused on myself. Not seeking anything, then came my now partner. I thought he was going to be the same so I wasn’t giving anything at all. Yet he kept talking to me, and eventually courted me. I realized that he was serious with me when he introduced me to his family during courtship. Even then, I always thought that I am lesser since this man has only been with one person and that was his ex. Eventually came to a point where we did the deed and he asked how many guys. (Before this conversation, he already knew I’ve been with multiple guys since my best friend was friends with him and would constantly tell my endeavors during my dating phase) At this point, I was eaten with shame and regret, I fell so little because it has been made evident that a girl who’s been with multiple guys is bad. Most important, since he has only been with one before. So I lied and mentioned six, even though it was actually eight.

So our current problem lies when he had known that it was actually 8 men I slept with. He became so insecure and started questioning me. Which I was sorry truly and up until now been constantly proving myself. He would call me a hoe and a whore, almost as if regretting that he met me, a girl who did not share his principles and values. I truly regret this, I wish I told every stink and dirty part so he had at least a chance to make a decision before investing his to me. Right now, he says he loves me and takes care of me, but whenever this topic comes up. It would be as if it was yesterday and he was really hurt and that was my fault. I’m really sorry, I always assure him. Tell the truth and making things better between us, improving myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I need advice. I just love him so much and proving that I have changed and my character was not the same as previously. Also, I am preparing myself in the sense that if he cannot handle it, I should just let him go from the pain I caused. I’m really sorry. Can I get any advice?

Edit: I met him because he was a friend of my best friend and introduced us. He did not sleep around like did.