It started 3 weeks ago when we were having a money argument and she kept arguing because she was stressed about it so much and was freaking out but so was I so I just wanted her to shut up but she wouldn't and for a second I thought about hurting her to get her to shut up, I would never in a million years ever hurt her. Then a week later, we argued again and she was getting overstimulated and I got upset with her. She was saying how she has BPD/autism and that I can't handle her and I have a horrible habit of trying to one-up her so I was saying I have anger issues and that I had thought about hurting her that one time and it freaked her out especially since she had a ex before that threatened to hurt her a lot. I keep telling her that I would never hurt her and that it was just an intrusive thought for a second but she doesn't believe me and thinks that I've thought it about multiple times which I haven't. I understand why she's so freaked out and doesn't believe me since she's been through so much. I hate myself for blurting out what I thought the week before and I hate myself even more for even thinking it. We keep having arguments about it. I can't lose her, I can't. I don't know what to do. I know I’m in the wrong and I feel horrible about it.