I (29F) and my partner (35F) have somewhat of a decent relationship for the most part though it feels quite surface level at times. A lack of deeper connection through conversation unless they feel strongly about a work issue, a friends dating status or a sports game. They have adhd and it’s evident that focus escapes them but it’s often when it comes to me, though easy when they seek validation repeatedly. I took the day off yesterday to help take them to appointments as they don’t drive which is fine but we had a few moments of my conversation falling on deaf ears so I mentioned it lightly but frustrated. Plans were made for the weekend of my birthday to see their family for another occasion while we sat waiting at an appointment, no problem. Though they said it was on a certain day for me. I’d not wanted that though.

We had a quiet night and they went to bed after a quick ‘sorry I annoy you so much’ Which had me wake up and want to talk about it a little further so around midday sent a text (face to face ends short and uncomfortable)

I’ve said;

Babe it’s not that you’re always annoying me but I do feel deflated sometimes. I just would really value having a proper conversation or more than just a response so I know you’ve heard me speak, even if it’s about something random I know that you get distracted or jump focus but I know that you’d be present if you wanted to be and It just means a lot to me

I’m trying to say more but I lose the want to when it feels like an end or not wanted 🥺

I’d love if you ask me questions about plans before jumping to conclusion Ask me if I would want to do a family thing on the Sunday before jumping over that because you think that’s what I’d want I’d ask you first, you know what I mean? So many assumptions for what you think my reaction is without asking I just would love to feel like you considered asking Like when you ask if I need help even if I’m okay I appreciate it so much

I see you ask for reassurance wether it’s saying you love me a bunch or trying to poke with ‘you just hate me’ etc I do love you a lot I just really would love deeper than playful comments on repeat, they can stay but just more

Which in return got me;

Okay thanks for letting me know so I can keep in line with your expectations I’ll be aware And I’ll never make assumptions about what you think, like, want etc

Followed by both similar back and forth messages a few times and now left quiet barely active chats with - ‘Leaving the chat, nothing personal - need to reduce amount of group chats and allow more time to myself. Thanks for understanding legends.’

I’ve had a history of a pretty shitty partner prior that really bent my vision in relationships but these kind of responses are off right? I hope this post suits well here (sorry if not)