I’m not even sure where to start. I was given alcohol from my aunts boyfriend when I was 11. I got drunk and passed out in a back bedroom where I awake to an older man molesting me. At the same time someone came busting in the room and the dude ran off. Cops were called etc. After that, I basically became very promiscuous. I lost my V a few months later to an older “kid” a few days before I turned 12 (he was 18). Long story short, I was a major F up until it turned 18. I barely graduated HS, I was date raped a few times, I did a lot of drugs and drank ALOT. When I turned 18 I decided that that life wasn’t for me. I started working FT and never touched a drug again. FTR, I am 40 now. I’ve been married for 17 years. I met my amazing husband when I was 21 and we now have 4 kids. He’s my best friend. Here’s the issue for me: sex feels like a violation. I actually hate it. I feel violated every time but it’s not my husbands fault. I don’t want sex. Ever. Thankfully, over the last 10 years I’ve been able to dwindle the sex down from every other night to twice a week. I get so anxious leading up to sex and then relieved when it’s over because then I don’t have to think about for another few days. This is terrible and I know it. He knew my history but not ti the extent of how it’s affected me. He’s the most amazing husband but when sex happens without me expecting it; that really throws me into a tizzy. Like tonight. In my head, it wasn’t happening tonight. Then he wanted it and I felt so stiff and cold. He didn’t notice. I pretend to enjoy it but really the foreplay is what really messes with my head. Idk what I’m looking for but at my age why have I not gotten over this?? Why can’t I just enjoy my husband loving me? And I ask, WHY when we were dating this was not an issue. It’s like when he committed and all of that is when things got hard for me. But when things were new and unsure is when I was “all in” on sex?? I just want to want my husband but I can’t. AITAH?! He deserves to be wanted because he’s amazing man. What’s wrong with me :(