We were in a polyamorous relationship and my boyfriend (44m) and his wife (43f) were secretly going through more problems than I knew about as a result of my relationship with him and her relationship with my husband.

It’s easy to fall in love with a beautifully broken funny and kind man when he says and does everything to make you feel special. It’s not so easy to fall out of love when things crash and burn.

Several months into our relationship I learned that her discomfort was turning into abusive situations. Not speaking to him for days, not sleeping in bed with him, having major panic attacks and ending in yelling and screaming. Everytime something happened I would try to give her comfort and love as she was my friend. After a while it took its toll on my own mental health. Especially because every time they fought, he would tell me things were ending between us too to protect her. She would make him fix it and tell us both that she will eventually be ok.

She was also dating my husband and it was beginning to affect him… and mine and his relationship. She didn’t like seeing her husband and I grow closer and fall in love while she was doing the same with mine. But emotions are complicated.

During one of their fights, she said some awful things to him. So awful that his already broken emotional damage he had broke him even more. Some of the most vile and hurtful things to be said to any other person, much less your husband and father of children. He left. He messaged our group chat and said he was leaving town for work and wouldn’t be accessible . I immediately knew something was wrong. I eventually got him to talk to me, I guess by not being angry and just loving him and telling him to be safe. He pulled into a hotel and we talked most of the night. The next morning he said I could come where he was to talk. Not to expect much, he was a disaster. Not only did she say very hurtful things about his life, but she compared me to an affair he had years ago. Was that how she saw me? Was that just her own hurt? He shared so much with me. But I told him I could see how much he loved her and he should go home. I was able to get him to come back to town and stay with me a few days before eventually convincing him to go home to her.

They attended counseling for a bit and their counselor encouraged them to continue seeing us, that we could be good for them. I should have seen sooner. A few weeks went by and I thought they were working on things effectively, but I later learned they were barely communicating, and just kinda living around each other. He broke down one night and told me they weren’t connecting. A few days later they had another fight and separated again. This time he said it was over.

She came and stayed with us. It became very difficult for me because she was talking really terrible things about him and being very cruel and not taking any of the blame. Directly to me she was telling me I was the problem. She and I didn’t have a super meshing personality, but I still cared about her well being and hearing someone I cared about be so cruel was incredibly challenging. Plus we often did things as a group and now we (my husband and I) were being forced to spend time separate so that we could stay with each of them and console them. After a week she decided to go home and he came to our house.

He stayed for a few months. He was sad a lot. Angry a lot. Grieving a lot. Stressed about house, finances, alimony, etc. during that time he would go back and forth between sharing things with me from when he talked to her or trying to shield me from it. But when he did share. He shared so much pain. All the things she said or did over the years that hurt him. All the things she said about me or my husband. All of it hurt my heart. Never claiming to be perfect himself. She wasn’t doing them same. Our relationship with her was souring and for his well being and admittedly our own, we ended things with her abruptly.

When through that, when I suspected his pain or sadness was him missing her and still loving her, I would tell him I would understand if they got back together. He told me it was over. But I still told him to work on it if there was any chance. I knew that too much had happened and my relationship with him wouldn’t be allowed anymore if he did go back. I secretly prayed he wouldn’t, both for my own loss it would result in, but also his own mental health. He shared too much for me to think he would be safe and loved with her.

One night he went to his house to work on projects and prepare to sell. She brought us up like she always did. And this time she said things and he listened. He came home and packed everything. When we talked he told me how much he loved me. Told me our connection was so strong. But his counselor told him to be single for awhile and he was tired of being in the middle of me and his wife. But he went back to his house. Where she was. When we would talk, it was limited. He was agitated. Short with me. When I would tell him I loved him or missed him he would freak out and pull away and tell me every time we talked, he has to start the process (of working on himself) over. Then he told me she would sense we talked and start fights with him. He continued telling me he was working on the house to sell and was proceeding with divorce. But then something would happen, I would say something when we would have brief check ins or chit chat that would trigger him (once was questioning if he ever truly loved me, because some of the things he was doing felt so cruel) and he would react by blocking me on a social or text. I would eventually reach back out apologizing and making myself small because I could tell we were both hurting not being together.

Something happened that was pretty extreme where one of his neighbors and a former friend of his messaged me with blackmail. I shared it with him because I thought he deserved to know, since it involved him too. We had been planning to meet up for a checkin but he was super busy and I offered to hold off. But then the blackmail came. He was helpful, sensitive, loving 🥨, and I thanked him for the advice and told him we’d talk soon. The next day he told me to stop contacting him. That he didn’t need that guy causing him trouble when he had enough stress already. I was devastated.

A month went by and I messaged him and asked if no contact was forever or until things passed. I asked if we could talk face to face. He asked why. I told him I needed closure if we were over or reassurance if we weren’t. He responded that I need to let go. And he “can’t”. “It’s for the best” “please stop.”

I’m guessing he and his wife have resumed things. I asked if that was why. He didn’t answer. I reached out to one of his friends he confides in. She blocked me without answering. Why didn’t I save myself all this pain and hope and just tell him to go home when this all started? Why didn’t I stop myself from falling in love? Why didn’t I tell him that what we had wasn’t worth rushing his marriage and that their fighting was because of me and so I would see myself out? Why didn’t I let go, is it because ITAH?