Me and my ex were together up until around October of 2024, up until then we had some issues regarding roommates and infidelity on my side. Near the end of October, I found out she cheating on me with a couple different men, one including an old friend of ours and ex of hers. I left to live in a different state cause she was my only option in my hometown to live but I decided to come back and try to work things out. I got us an apartment to move out of her parents house and it was just us living there together while we worked on getting us back into a healthy place but soon after I found out she was still seeing one of the men from before and that’s when the toxicity turned out of control. To put it lightly, me and her have a history of self harm and suicidal ideations and it came back full swing. I later found out she started taking Xanax and adderal which I later attempted with. After a while I’m around early to middle of November, we decided to put our phones away and just take us in with no outside contact, it started to work and make us better but around thanksgiving, her family surprised her with a trip to the Grand Canyon, while there she started to text the guy again(found out after logging into her snap) and continued to block me during the rest of the month. Around December 7th, she reached out and asked to meet up. I meet her at a store nearby and found out she started dating the guy with hickeys around her neck, which sent me into a spiral. I left and immediately contacted a friend informing them of what’s been happening and how close I was to committing so I spent the night there where the guy contacted me threatening me. In the morning I decided that I couldn’t live alone or with the friend so I packed up my stuff from our apartment and decided to move back to my parents. Before I left, the guy found where I lived with the spare key to my car I left her and threatened to take my car. I called him and asked him to meet and told him everything that’s transpired up until that point. He then told me she painted me out to be this abusive partner who kept her in the apartment and abused her. I told him I never did anything to hurt her and all of her actions were her own. We ended the conversation and I left the state that night. I then spent December in my parents in a different state, but they had trouble finding someone to buy their home our home state so they were moving back in February. I decided to move in with my friend from before at the start of the new year where I would spend his birthday, still tripping about what happened but I later found someone on January 9. She, 21f, had gone through a similar experience and we bonded over the trauma we went through and spent everyday till around February 6th, the night my ex called me. I ignored it at first but all of the memories for the past 5 years started flooding back and I started missing her more and more, add that with a night of drinking with the new girl and her friends ended with call to my ex that lasted 4 hours and us deciding to try again. I later found out that she was in a mental episode due to her DID and her implants of medication for the past couple months. With that information,and finding out her last guy was abusive as well with a hospital visit(still skeptical due to her lying about me being toxic to her) I only wished for us to get our life back but feeling everything to up until this point starting to boil over and seeing how much has been destroyed, I started bursting with anger. I started crashing out at her telling her she’s a liar about what’s been happening and listening to everyone else when I turned out to be right, started hitting her on two different occasions but she stayed true to her word on getting therapy and trying to talk shit out, started working at a job when I lost mine to try to get us an apartment again, asking to do all the things we used to do when we were okay but the last time we talked in person, the guy came back around and she started insisting on getting revenge and added him back to find out where he’s at, I told her to just drop it and just keep working on us and we could get past all of this. That night she left me on delivered till the morning and I already suspected the worse, she went to see him and decided that she didn’t want to work on this anymore. Now I’m stuck here, thinking maybe it was me who put her back into an episode wishing she would come back but I know we were toxic as hell. Am I crazy?