I’m 22/F and my husband is 24/M He’s in the military and has been stationed overseas for the past 3 years. In that time, we’ve only seen each other maybe 30 days total. I’m in nursing school here in the U.S., so moving to be with him just isn’t an option right now.

Lately, things between us have gotten really hard. We barely talk anymore. When we do, the conversations are short and don’t really feel meaningful. The 13-hour time difference makes it hard to line up our schedules, and even when we agree on times to talk, he’ll forget or end up going out drinking. I’ve tried to express how that makes me feel, but he says I’m being controlling or too serious. It’s hard to feel heard.

A few weeks ago, he got so drunk he passed out outside a club, and his brand new iPhone was stolen. His friends and roommate were calling me, panicking because no one could find him. A Korean soldier ended up bringing him back to base. I was terrified and overwhelmed, but when I brought it up later, he brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

He’s mentioned feeling depressed, and I’ve been struggling too. I recently got diagnosed as autistic and started going to therapy to work on myself. I’ve encouraged him to try therapy too, but he refuses. I know I’m not perfect, but it feels like I’m trying so hard to make this work and I’m not getting the same effort back.

I still love him, but with the distance, the lack of communication, and how emotionally off things feel, I’m just really lost right now. I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who’s dealt with something similar or just has some perspective?