Throwaway account.

About 2 years ago, I said something that hurt my husband. He has been unable to move past this because the comment I made revealed that I hooked up with someone (that we haven’t spoken to in nearly 10 years) prior to knowing him. He hates this guy, so he finds it “disgusting.” To be very clear- I was not nor have I ever been close to being unfaithful.

Our issues did not start 2 years ago, but this is something that he has consistently brought up when arguing since. I have apologized so many times for making the comment but he thinks I need to prove my love to him through specific actions (i.e., being more appreciative, being more supportive, etc.). I’d love to do that for him- but our arguing and his treatment of me is terrible and I don’t think it’s fair to expect those things of me when he can’t provide the same treatment in return. He talks to me horribly (which has been noticed by friends and family over the years), is quick to anger, calls me names, lies about his drinking, the list goes on.

I can admit that when we argue, we both yell and scream… but I rarely start arguments with him and regardless of what the argument is about it somehow always comes back to what happened two years ago. Even if it’s entirely unrelated.

Just recently I’ve asked him if he thinks I deserve the same respect/appreciation/support that he wants from me and he said no- that I need to provide more to him because I “messed up.” He claims that I cause him to drink and that I ruined his life.

Am I wrong to expect a baseline level of respect in return? In my mind, marriage is 50/50 but he disagrees since he was the one hurt. Even though many of these issues were present before this event happened. Is there any way to communicate this with him that might help this make sense?

Honestly just at a loss and losing hope that we can come out of this on the other side together.

TLDR Husband won’t move forward. Says I need to do more for him-things that he should not have to do for me.