i am a 17NB (all pronouns are fine). I'll be heading off to college this upcoming fall but I cannot shake this feeling of an idea which has been stuck in my head since I was 13. Cutting off my family. My brother, my mom, my dad, just everyone. This will be a bit of a mess so sorry if bits and parts of each story are just all over the place.

So let's start off with the why? Well I've just felt miserable my entire life in this home. I feel like a black sheep, I feel like an outsider like I don't belong. Everyone just seems to make me feel like I'm the weird one and that I need to conform to this mold they've created for me when I know thats not who I am nor ever be. I am queer that much is obvious from the first sentence of this whole post. Though all 3 members are transphobic & homophobic and as crazy as I may sound by saying I wouldn't cut them off for it, it mostly has to do with the fact I've seen other's family be the same and eventually come around to their family member's identity. Would I be close with them if the only issue was the fact they are transphobic and homophobic? No. Would I cut them off and never speak them again? Eh.

But unfortunately that is NOT the whole story. Instead I am insulted on a daily basis by their combined power.

Let's start with my brother. He's only six older than me and attended one of the top schools in the US. We were decently close as siblings but yk growing up. When he was home from college, I decided to tell him that I was queer and was questioning my gender identity. This was a huge deal to me, he was the first person I ever opened up about this to and it was consuming me. For months before then I was praying for these thoughts to go away because I knew how my parents would react and I didn't want to ruin my life with them or be kicked out because of it. But I just couldn't keep what I felt was a dark horrible secret hidden so I told him.

I thought he would hug me and tell me everything would be okay. I knew he had queer friends so I thought he would be accepting. Instead he told me to sit down and started to preach to me about god. How god created the correct body for me and how I was just insecure. He then questioned me for hours before telling me I couldn't be trans and I just hated how I looked. He sent me away. I sobbed for hours that day but little did I know he outed me to our mother. He told her everything. They acted as though she didn't know for years until I found out due to my mom lashing out at me one time. My brother also never fails to make me feel worse about myself and insult me like my mom and dad do.

He's also super controlling (and egoistical but we don't got time for THAT) at least in my opinon. Whenever I express openly about an enjoyment of something not mainstream he gaslights my parents into thinking it's bad? I liked watching anime in middle school as did my friends did too, but the moment my brother caught wind of this, he told my parents that it would ruin my life and was horrible to me to such an extent that my parents banned me from watching it to a point they stalked my netflix profile to ensure i wasn't watching any like... dude what?

I'll summarize the next huge things but please note I am omitting certain details or events due to privacy issues (ie: not allowed to close my bedroom door to this day + if i do i get yelled at! even though my brother can close his bedroom door all to his hearts desire) or that I don't want this post to be so long it's painful to read.

The most common thing I'll hear from everyone in my family is that I am "lazy". That I'm not serious about anything in my life. Which yes I'll admit I love to spend hours scrolling or watching youtube videos to my hearts content but they act as though I am failing or doing poor in school? (please don't take the next part of me bragging only trying to prove i'm not COMPLETELY a lazy bum) I have a 97, in high honor roll, a job, 1000+ voluteering hours, dance, in numerous clubs, created my own educational program + trying to implement it at a local elementary school, AND run a tutoring social media account with tens of thousands of followers. Yet, to them I am just "lazy" and I don't do enough which I am so so so lost by. The only thing I'll agree on I didn't care for was the SAT which i scored a 1370 which yeah is a bad score but I don't get why it matters as I've already gotten accepted into a great college (rugters if ur curious) with honors AND with the exact program I need for my career?

Like I am so tired of being insulted and feeling horrible about myself when I've liked to think I tried my best with the life I was given. Like sure I know for a fact sure I could've done better in school to avoid that one B in spanish or gotten a better SAT score if i put more effort in but what they view of me being "lazy" is me trying to cope with my reality. With the cold hard truth that my family will never truly accept me for maybe years just because of who I am. For years I've prayed to be different and it has been the only prayer I prayed god for and yet the only one unanswered.

Before being told I was depressed, my dad found me sobbing in the kitchen with a knife. I didn't do anything with it yet but I was considering it. It was the result of my dad telling me he didn't love me anymore cause I was missing a math assignment. I wish I was joking too. Anyways he brought me upstairs and waited for my mom to come home. To this day I'll never forget the words which came out of her mouth. "If you are going to kill yourself, wait till you are an adult so we don't lose our jobs" (note the quote isn't exact word to word due to the fact I'm translating it TO english but it is basically what she said.) She then went to keep yapping about CPS would be called and would take me to foster care and how much I would've hated foster care cause it's so bad. Hours later when we went out to get dinner, I asked her if I could get checked for mental issues or get a therapist because clearly. I need one and she responded with "it would hurt your applications to colleges." So. Yeah.

Like gee no wonder I didn't really care about school when I'm so miserable all of the time and it's tough for me to even just get out of my bed.

I could go on and on for hours about every single thing (or even major thing for that matter) they've done to me (there's a lot of other stories i have but i have already yapped too much) but again I'm just trying to summarize not my life story. It may seem very clear based on how I talk about my family I am already ready to just never speak to them again but that's not the case. I have good moments with them, like always watching the home alone movies with my brother during the holidays, my dad always paying for whatever I ask for off Amazon, my mom always trying her best to make me 3 meals a day. I love those things. I mean I am in such a grateful position where my parents are paying for my college completely, and I don't really have to contribute much. I also feel grateful that of all things to complain about I’m complaining about these things when life for others is much worse. But there are just so many things I can't ignore. Years of feeling miserable of just trying my best to appease them but it's just never enough.

Whenever I reach the next checkpoint they are already expecting me to be at the next one. It's tiring. I am miserable in this home and have been for years but I don't know if cutting off would do anything or even if i should do it to begin with? WIBTA?