( im very sorry for this long nagging post)

My (32F) husband (35M), let’s call him Adam, has his birthday coming up this Sunday. Ever since we got together, I’ve always made his birthday special. I’ve put thought, time, and love into his gifts — even during years where I wasn’t working or had no income of my own. I sold pieces of my gold, used money gifted to me by my parents (that I could’ve spent on myself), just so I could buy him something meaningful. I’m naturally a giver and I’ve always felt joy in doing that. But until a few days ago… I feel nothing.

To give you the full picture: we’ve been in a very bad place for a while now. Since our anniversary a few weeks ago — which he completely forgot — things have been cold. We barely speak. The emotional disconnect has been heavy, and I’ve been trying to push through it mostly alone. I tried speaking to him that I was upset, because i did get him gift. We have two anniversaries- 2 weddings ( different destinations) he did not, said he forgot which he never does, and i refuse to believe he forgot, especially when the day before that we were remembering stuff from one of the weddings.

We have a young son, Sami (3), and I’m a full-time stay-at-home mom. It was a mutual decision that I stay home, after surviving preeclampsia. I do everything for our child — feeding, bathing, bedtime, playtime, emotional care, etc. My husband doesn’t really “parent.” He occasionally cuddles with our son and plays a bit if it’s convenient, but he rarely takes him out, plays with him in the garden or his room, or takes over bedtime or baths. His version of fatherhood is having our son sit next to him while he plays PlayStation, nintendo, xbox ( which i got for his birthdays in the past)

Last night was the final straw for me. Sami threw rice all over the floor after dinner (does this a lot), and I was understandably frustrated. I called for Adam to come watch him while I cleaned up — and instead of helping, he came in angry that I was “yelling” because he was “doing clipping his nails” and had “other stuff to do.”

For context, I have had issues of my own, when we got married I noticed things about myself, i wasn’t mentally stable, due to episodes of my past would constantly flash before my eyes. I started therapy, i was diagnosed with cptsd. I got help and until now i am working on myself all the time. To be a better version of myself and especially be a good mom to our son. I was very stupid to open up to my husband back in the days about my abusive childhood. And for the past year or more, every time we get into an argument or a fight, he throws in to my face, that just because my parents fucked me up because they are horrible parents is not his fault and i will do the same to our kid. I cannot begin to describe the pain it causes me. What happened to the man i fell in love with who swore to protect me after everything we have been through, after everything he knew that i endured. So yes, i find myself short tempered sometimes, because i get zero help from my husband when it comes to our son. He told me a few times that his mother managed to raise three kids while his father was away working abroad. ( no wonder this woman my MIL is a very exhausted from life person and barely finds joy in anything)

What followed after was an avalanche of insults. He called me crazy, told me I was ruining our son, accused me of being a bad wife who “does the bare minimum” (aka taking care of our child 24/7), and compared me to “other wives” who manage to do it all — raise kids, keep a clean house, look good, etc. He told me he works to make money while I just stay home. I snapped and told him that I could also compare him to husbands who actually care about their wives’ mental health and support them with their kids after work. I reminded him that he gets to work 6 hours a day while I “work” round the clock with no weekends, no breaks, and zero time for myself. Our son is very clingy, he wouldn’t just sit and play, i am always with him playing doing something, but i cannot clean the house or move the mess because our interferes and makes things worse. And i tell myself the mess is not gonna be there forever, he is growing, he is going to pre school this august, i will have the time to get back on track… after all I sacrificed my career to stay home and raise our child, my birth experience was very traumatic our son was born prematurely, it makes me sad until now that he never expressed any compassion towards me.

He told me I was ruining Sami and that when our son grows up, he’ll make sure he knows his mom is “crazy.” Because she yells. Then, when I said I was going to speak to his mom because I couldn’t take being constantly humiliated, he physically grabbed my phone with force to stop me from texting her — all in front of our child. Saying that he paid for my iphone and he pays the bills and all. Well i said the same if we are going this low and maybe how about we do the same with all the video games and consoles i got him? He said he doesn’t care he’ll buy new. Of course now that he makes good money, he is the man. For the record, when we started dating he lost his job and I was supporting to him fully ( rent, food, phone going outs) while it took him a good year to get back on his feet. I couldn’t risk him leaving the country ( UAE) so i took care of him. So honestly, it has my biggest impact to where his is now if i never supported him back in the days he would of probably left home and god knows what would of happened to us. But hey, he makes the money, while i have no career because of the mutual decision we made, i almost have no friends of my own, i don’t go out anywhere on my own because im always out with our son, nor i have the opportunity to go to the salon get my hair or nails done. ( why? Because i dont want to be a burden and waste his money on myself) i have my husbands cards but i mostly buy stuff for the house or our son.

This isn’t even the first issue we’ve had. Over the years there’s been an ongoing problem with porn addiction (which we kind of worked it through) lack of emotional support, and an overall pattern of selfish, dismissive behavior. I’ve communicated my needs, I’ve cried, I’ve begged for more involvement — and it falls on deaf ears. There’s so much to say, so much has happened. Divorce is not an option, I love him and i want my son to grow up in a full family. And yet at the same time in what environment will he grow up? He will grow up to also understand. Im so lost. I feel worthless. I was diagnosed with hashimotos disease recently, which also explains my constant fatigue and not having any energy. Im such a mess. Im sorry for the long nagging post. Im just so tired. I feel guilty at the same time, but at the same time i dont want to put any god damn effort this time.

So now, with his birthday coming up… I honestly feel no desire to celebrate it. I have been trying to sell my stuff to get him something and do a small celebration, I’ve given so much of myself, and this time I feel emotionally drained and disrespected. I’m tired of pouring into someone who can’t even acknowledge my presence, let alone my pain.

WIBTA if I just… let it pass like any other day?