i (20ftm) have an eldest sister (30f). i'll call her D.

D is currently married to a woman (this is important) and everything seems fine with them. D's wife is really chill, but doesn't want to get involved in our "family drama", so i tend to try not to involve her in things like this. not like i talk to her at all.

anyways, D hates me. i don't know why. i asked our sister V (24f) why D hated me and V said it was something i did as a kid to upset her. this is weird because D moved out when she was 18, so i would be 8 at the time. i do think it is genuinely ridiculous to be upset at someone for 12 years because of something they ddi when they were 8. V didn't give me a straight answer, so i just assumed D doesn't have a straight answer for hating me and doesn't want to admit it.

D's hatred for me really spiked in the last 2½ years. she had a bf at that time who she was trying to force to move in with us. me, my mom, and D all lived together in a 1 bedroom apartment. we couldn't fit another person in - let alone a man we barely knew and D had been dating for 6 months at the time. it was a huge thing within the family. it led to come fights between my mom and D. even D and myself.

D then went on a rampage by being mean to anyone around her. she had abandoned one of V's kids (3m) in the hallway of her apartment building until he found his way back, crying. D had outed my relationship with my ex-gf at the time to our mom (who i was going to tell eventually).

the biggest thing was D trying to convince me to let her then boyfriend move in. i told her no because i was on track for top surgery and i would've had to be topless for a while since i wouldn't be able to dress myself post-op. D had made excuses saying that i should "just put a shirt on" and that my post-op recovery was just "sitting around on the couch like i already do". D wanted to kick me out of the one bedroom we had so her bf could sleep there and i had to sleep on the couch.

D ended up temporarily moving in with V and never paid her portion of the rent, so my mom and i got a notice to pay rent in 30 days or move out or else we'd be evicted. so, my mom and i moved out. D had found a different place to stay, so she moved out of V's place and my mom and i moved in because we had no where else to go.

during the time finding a place, it turned out that D's boyfriend was a twice convicted 🍇ist and that's why he couldn't find a place to stay. D knew about this and still insisted on him staying with us (and me, freshly 18 at the time, being weak and shirtless around him).

anyways, life moved on and my mom and i found a place to live until that got toxic. D had broken up with her bf at the time and dated someone new - her current wife. D and her wife helped my mom and i move out of the toxic house we were in.

D and i had a talk that since we had fought a lot about her ex bf moving in, it was awkward to act as siblings like nothing happened. so, we agreed to talk about it eventually when we both had the chance. i thought things were good, so i invited her to my hs graduation and to my graduation "party" (basically a family dinner + movie). D never showed to both and didn't tell anyone until weeks after that she was "too busy".

this is where things get worse. a few months after i graduated, D sent a message to the family groupchat. she said that because of the holidays and birthdays coming up, she wanted to "clear the air" so it wouldn't be awkward. i agreed and she said she wanted to talk to me first.

she sent a very long message about how i should admit that i hit her (i never did) and i should apologize to our mutual friend for lying about calling D transphobic. (D had deadnamed me and misgendered me to out mom when she was mad at me about not letting her bf move in). i told her i would apologize for hurting her (emotionally) and explained that what she did WAS transphobic even if she "forgot" my name and pronouns. she lost it and went on a very long rant. she gave me a copy and paste apology that SHE wanted to hear. she said i should send that exact message back to her if i wanted her to be my sister. if not, i was dead to her.

said "apology" was me taking responsibility for things i did not do. i told D i wouldn't and she got even angrier. she said that i had "lied so much that i believe my own narrative and not the truth". (she was referencing a fight we had where she screamed in my face, threatened to hurt me, and tried backing me into the bedroom at the old apartment. she is saying i got in her face when i didn't.)

i stopped responding to her because i was having a complete breakdown. V told me not to respond to her and to leave it be. so, i did. D ended up messaging the groupchat, asking me if i would "take responsibility and apologize" and i told her i already did. i didn't expect an apology back form her right away because i know she needed to come to terms with her actions, but i hoped she'd admit her faults, too. she said i was dead to her and left the group chat.

we have not spomen since. the only time we had is when D was blowing up V's phone with messages about me, trying to get V and our mom to convince me to apologize. i confronted D via text and she called me all kinds of names before telling me she "should've beaten my ass when she had the chance". (she had threatened our mom that once i turn 18, she would beat me up and blame me for it so she wouldn't get in trouble w/ police.)

it was dropped eventually and life moved on.

then, i was almost sa'd by a man trying to break into my apartment. the police didn't believe me and didn't investigate despite SEVERAL neighbors witnessing the man outside my window for a good 30 min and chasing him off the apartment building's property. my mom had made a fb post asking for prayers because of the trauma i faced and that one day, there would be justice.

my mom had used my deadname and she/her pronouns since a lot of her fb friends are religious and i haven't seen them in a long time. my mom didn't want to out me and take focus away from asking for support emotionally via prayer.

D saw the post and got livid. she ranted to our mom that this was proof i wasn't trans because i let our mom use my deadname and she/her pronouns. D then went on to say i was a "transtrender" (a trans person who only identifies as trans because i wanst to fit in) and it made sense because i "couldn't decide on my identity". all that had changed was the name i went by.

i, again, confronted D about this and told her to stay in her lane. D said i was an abuser and she would beat me up. she then went on to make a list of things i should do instead of "harassing people i don't live up to". the list included some things that i was extremely insecure about. she then mocked my mental health issues (i have severe anxiety that can get so bad, i don't leave my apartment for weeks/months) and said i had to stop using it as an "excuse to be a useless member of society".

from then on, D would periodically send hateful rant messages to our mom or V, trying to ruin my relationship with them. V has falled for (some) of D's tricks despite D not being in my life at all beyond this. D has said i am dead to her (but then i am all she thinks about and she has to ruin my relationships with my family??)

i confided in V recently that i want to screenshot all these texts and emails D had sent to my mom and myself, so that D's wife knew what kind of person she married. i just wanted to let her wife know this is who she is married to - a transphobic, violent, and aggressive woman who may turn her sights onto her wife once she gets tired of harassing me. V told me not to do it because D is "finally in a stable relationship that makes her happy and you reaching out will ruin her life".

i can see where V is coming from because i know D has been thru a lot in her life. i just think it is unfair that my mom and V are adamant that D lives the life she "deserves" when she has been trying to hurt me for years. they even try to defend her transphobic behavior; my mom saying D isn't transphobic and V saying she is more transphobic than D (which makes her more dangerous in my eyes).

i am having nightmare about D now. i don't know what D will do to ruin my life. i always have to ask if D is coming to family events so i can be prepared if anything happens. it is causing me a lot of stress.

i genuinely think that getting D's wife in the know about D's behavior would make D see reason and (hopefully) protect her wife if D turns on her like she did to me.

wibta if i reached out to D's wife and told her what D has done and been doing to me?