I (35f) have 3 kids, and am married. My mom didn't plan a bridal shower when I got married 10 years ago, which was fine we already lived together. Then when I was pregnant with my first kid, my mom and MIL said they wanted to have each other's phone numbers so they could plan a baby shower. Needless to say, they never texted each other, and I had to plan it myself, pay for venue, buy decorations, buy invitations, and set up day of. Also, my SIL said she'd help make invitations and because she was helping she had picked a theme I hated, but I thought she would help so I went with it. Then last minute (after I bought the decorations I hated) she said she couldn't help, she was too busy. Day of the shower my brother took my mom to see some friends, and I had to go set up my shower myself. I didn't get the opportunity to change into the dress I was going to wear, or really enjoy the day because I was too busy setting up/ensuring things ran smoothly. Then my first mother's day came. All I asked of my family of origin, was that I could spend the day with my family. Instead I had to spend the day setting up a party for my mother and her friends while my brother was too drunk to help. SIL was just MIA, and my husband was taking care of our child. This party was organized by my brother to happen on this day because it was the "only day" he could come up. Second child my mom decided I didn't want a shower/sprinkle. So anytime family friends or extended family had a present for me/new baby, my mom would say something along the lines of, "I guess this is your shower/sprinkle". Then a half-assed apology for not putting something together, but she "knew I didn't like my first one". (You know, the one I had to plan and pay for). Obviously by baby 3 the precedent had been set that we don't celebrate me or my kids. Throughout the last 15 years or so any birthday had some family event to trample over it, as well as mother's days. I've started planning vacations for my children's/husband's birthdays so they still feel celebrated. My husband does try to do the same thing for me, but my birthday is near some major holidays which makes it harder with PTO. This then turns into my family of origin pretending to make plans for my birthday, but then turning it into other things. I specifically say "I don't want to be celebrated, I just want to not have to set up parties or be away from my family (husband and kids)". Instead I'm always guilted into this nonsense that my brother sets up, but then is too busy to actually set up. Yes, I know I'm an adult who could just say "no", but anyone who has had to deal with narcissists and being the scapegoat/black sheep in the family knows it's not that simple. So WIBTAH if I told my mom I feel like an afterthought and that it's crappy to have to set up things for other people on days I should be allowed to be with my family?