I (19F) am so unsure of what to do here it’s unreal. I’m also aware that I haven’t been a good person at all in this situation leading up to the place I am now, towards both my family and my long distance gf (20F). It’s to do with me going to university, and how my parents believe it’s a waste of time and will cut me off if I go or my girlfriend, who says if I don’t go she’ll kill herself in September this year. Up until the main part at hand, I’ve essentially been compulsively lying to both parties, and I am aware I am horrible for it and deeply regret it.

Relationship contexts first before the situation at hand, If you wish to skip to the main part of the situation skip to the —— line.

Me and my father (45M) haven’t had the greatest of relationships through my life. He does genuinely care about me, but does so in a not so great manner. He never outwardly congratulates me for anything I do, and I have little trust for him as he used to shout at me for every single little thing when I was a kid, such as if I was eating too loud. The worst this ever got was when I jumped out the window and walked to the other side of town in the night as he shouted at me to leave (I was very lucky it was lockdown) and a separate situation where he argued with my mother (43F) and picked up a chair threatening to throw it at her. He also never goes back on his word when he genuinely means it. I am very fortunate lifestyle wise because of him, and live in a well off area, so I have conflicted views on him.

My mother is a lovely woman, however, is a bit of a pushover when it comes to allowing my father to do things. Not mentioning much of her as she isn’t too relevant to the situation at hand.

As for my girlfriend, neither of my parents know about her. This is due to them being deeply transphobic and homophobic, and so I have omitted telling them about her due to this. My girlfriend is mostly mentally stable, though goes into depressive manic episodes when she sees that I am sad or if I go back on promises I made to her, which I understand. She is working on being better, and I can envision a future with this woman. She’s incredibly supportive and kind, just unstable when it comes to me and my parents or if anything goes wrong. She has acknowledged that she is toxic and is actively working on it.

As for me and what I’m like, I essentially have quite bad trust issues towards my parents, and due to this I have essentially developed the habit of compulsively lying to avoid bad outcomes, something I am trying to change in myself. My parents both perceive me as naïve (and they blame themselves for this) and entirely unprepared for a thing as big as university. What I’m actually like when they’re not around is I believe that I am friendly and kind towards others, though I am reserved as I struggle to tell people things about me as I don’t want to get too attached. My girlfriend is the exception to this.

—————————————————————————

For the matter at hand, I have applied to a university three hours away from where I live, for a biology course. Both of my parents disagree heavily with this, and due to my own fear of my father’s outbursts, I put off telling them to try not to cause an argument. This failed, and I had a massive fallout with my father, at the time of argument he said he would kick me out, and has since said he will cut me off entirely if I go to university. My parents say they don’t understand why I want to go to university and believe I am unfit to go, as I am not clever enough and would not be able to manage on my own and that it isn’t worth it for the debt. I have reiterated to them my reasons for wanting to go, seeking a degree to get into the biotech/bioinformatics region of work, and it would aid in building my social skills and life skills so I would be able to live on my own.

My girlfriend goes to the university I applied to (I DID NOT APPLY DUE TO HER BEING THERE, I APPLIED DUE TO THE COURSE QUALITY AND THE PLACEMENT YEAR) and it would be amazing to be near her, but that is a benefit. My girlfriend however, said that she would kill herself in September if I didn’t go to university, as I showed a sense of uncertainty about going as that would mean loosing my father, and potentially my mum and brother too, as he said he “would make sure I don’t drag her down with me” In the past, I have made promises to my girlfriend about a variety of different things, and I keep forgetting some of them (yes, not great I know, I’ve realised the error of my ways and have since started a notes app to aid reminding me). This has caused her to also make a final promise to me, that if I don’t attend in September she will kill herself. I know this will happen as the day we met she was on the verge of killing herself and self harmed, all things I’ve helped her work through and she is seeing therapy.

I can’t tell what to do, my father’s abusive verbally and I’ve had to put up with his shit my entire life, however my girlfriend, despite her toxic traits, is actively working to be better and I can see my future being with her. I want to pick her and university, but I am scared of the unknown consequences. Same with me picking my father and home, I’m 99% sure my relationship is damaged beyond repair as he speaks as if I am already going and is going to cut me off as soon as I go.

Any advice is appreciated, and be brutally honest, I respond better to that.

Edit;

My father had another convo with me saying this in a nice tone - he thinks i haven’t thought about going to university fully - i may change my mind in 6 months - that they had their own relationship problems and went to their parents for help - that the only people that will ever live you unconditionally are your parents - they both thinks i should get an apprenticeship - that they were never far from their parents ever and have helped both them and they have helped my parents - he thinks my attitude is a bit fucked up because i turned off my location when i jumped out the window and walked half way across town - that i dont know any better because i dont do anything besides game

Im even more torn now as he seems to care about me he just constantly hate bombs me when I don’t do something right I. help