I am pretty young and still live with my mum (my parents are divorced so they live in different houses). A little context here is that on weekends I usually go to my dads, arriving Friday afternoon and leaving on Saturday afternoon or Sunday morning, the rest of the week is at my mums. This post is about my mums house. Whenever I'm over at her house, I always go to dark thoughts, specifically about my life and if its worth anything. This is usually due to a process of making something I'm proud of, showing it to my mum, a quick well done, talking about something negative, going back to her lecture, going away bearly holding back tears, go to my mess of a room, cry cuz the mess is a room and that the one who was supposed to care for me seems to not. Thing is I know she loves me lots, and I love her, but lately when I try to say 'I love you' to anyone, I can't and I just walk away, knowing that I probably made them feel less valued then they are. But the words just get stuck in my throat, as if threatening to choke me if I say more. My mum is also usually on her lectures and we bearly ever have alone time as my younger sister only comes down if im there with my mum (my older brother lives with my dad), and let's just say me and my sister have a complicated relationship. The main thing my mum and I disagree about is my room and more but mainly that. I hate rooms too clean. My mum wants a clean room. I feel like I have to have some mess on the floor. Too clean makes me want to claw myself away. My mum wants no mess on the floor, she doesn't mind the shelves but the floor must be clean. I live in an attic room so no one comes in, sometimes guests come in when my mum tells them about the mess I have. The reason that my room is like this is that I only have one largish shelf, a small book shelf and a full desk of art stuff. The shelf is full of school books, my statue collection, bone/taxidermy collection, jewellery and rocks and then just random stuff. My dad just got me new floating shelves that aren't on the wall yet. Those shelves are mainly ment for my quickly growing statue collection, which contains 29 statue today, but when I go carboot(selling thingy in the uk) I usually get 3-4 statues on average. But that also means that , when the shelves are up I will only have a small place to put stuff. Sure I could put my stuff neatly in a corner of my room, but it might not all fit. Please don't recommend throwing stuff away as most of it is from a significant memory or time that I would like to associate to an object. I am also not in the right mental place to clean stuff up, yet alone take care of myself (I usually eat 1-2 meals on non-school days and 1-3 on school days, I just forget to eat and I'm usually not hungry). However my mum can't seem to tell that I'm in the right state for cleaning my room. Back to the point, I don't like speaking about my feelings or what I do and don't like (not in a judgmental way, just my preference and what makes me upset) and I might be able to write sticky notes around my house. The thing is I'm worried that my little sister will see the notes and I really don't want her to see them. I'm also worried that my mum won't take them well because she prefers talking face to face, I would much rather die than do face to face talking about my feelings. And even if I did put notes around and my sister wouldn't see them, what if she gets mad? Idk why she would get mad but im scared if she does.

Reason: once she was taking me to my dad's but my dad was away for the weekend and I forgot. The drive is 7 min without traffic from my mums house to my dads. She calls my dad and my dad explained that he told me but I might have forgotten to tell her or just generally forgot about it(I usually do), my dad was speaking calmly when he told her this. She didn't take that well. She started shouting at him about how he should've told her and that she was already at his house. I was, at this point crying because they cant speak to eachother without arguing now. She hung up on him repeating what he told her. She then started driving and then shouted at me that it's always her fault, and that my dad can always be forgiven but never her(I never didn't forgive her). She then pulled over and started shouting at me more about stuff I don't remember. I obviously started crying harder, because I can't control how hard I cry? I then started having what I think was a panic attack? I was shaking; couldn't breathe, when I could it would hurt; couldn't speak, that's normal when I cry tho; couldn't sit correctly. That's all I remember. And now whenever we drive past that spot, I need to bite back tears at some stupid memory I have. I still don't know why she got so mad but she only apologised for the argument with my dad.

Sorry for the rant. I suppose this isn't an would ibtah but more of advice? Would I be the ahole if I placed sticky notes around the house? Ps:I probably still won't cuz im worried she will look at me differently, that's why I never vent about feelings Also sorry I'd I don't respond to comments reasonablely, I promise if I like/reply to your comment I've read it and will/have thought about it but I just don't know the coronation between feelings and words