Posted this on deadbedrooms and figured I could post it here as well:

Hey you guys. I’ve been reading this subreddit for a while and finally decided to post. I HL 27M am in a relationship with my girlfriend LL 26F that I care about deeply. We have so many good things: we laugh together, support each other’s goals, and want to grow as people. But we’re in a really hard place when it comes to physical intimacy, and I’m honestly feeling stuck.

From early on, we’ve had mismatched libidos. I’ve always had a strong desire for physical connection not just sex, but kissing, cuddling, and all the ways you feel wanted by someone. She’s much lower libido and rarely initiates. I feel like I’m always the one trying to make something happen, and most of the time it ends in rejection. Even the way we kiss feels distant. It’s just a quick peck unless I try to make it more, which usually doesn’t go far. I’ve tried to communicate how that makes me feel: undesired, disconnected, and lonely. She says she’s trying and wants to work on it, but I haven’t really felt much change and am working on being patient.

I’m trying to step back and stop initiating so I don’t keep getting hurt, and so she has the space to show up in her own way. But it’s hard. I don’t want to build quiet resentment over time, but I can already feel it happening a little. I feel like I’m withering, and I can’t tell if it’s from school stress or the relationship or both.

On top of that is porn. I was introduced to it young and never thought of it as cheating. Just more like a stress reliever, or a way to deal with being horny when nothing else is happening. But she told me she sees porn as a form of infidelity. That hit me hard. I’m trying to respect her and have been working on cutting back, which she knows, but I’m struggling. I don’t think she would be upset if I masturbated in general, but I’m a visual person, and going completely without stimulation is really difficult. I try to think about her, but the problem is… lately I can’t. When we do have sex, it’s not emotionally connecting. She usually prefers that I close my eyes during oral, and when she’s on top, she just kind of sits there and lets me do my thing, which I know she doesn’t enjoy. That makes it really hard to mentally go back and relive those experiences. When I picture her face, it’s not one of desire, but it’s one of disinterest. And that’s what’s stuck in my head now.

I don’t want to betray her trust. I also don’t want to keep initiating and slowly feel more unwanted. I just don’t know what to do and was hoping for some advice. If you’ve been in a similar place:

• How do I stop initiating without turning cold or distant?

• What do I do with my sexual energy if porn is off-limits and masturbation feels hollow without it?

• Is there any real way to rebuild physical intimacy from this point, or am I hoping for something that might never come back?

Thanks for reading. I really want this to work, but I also want to take care of myself. I just don’t know how to do both right now and wondering if I am the ass hole.