For some background, I (36F) met my partner in 2019. We loved each other very much, we had problems, but we were looking forward to growing in life together. Unfortunately, that was cut short when he was m**ered in January 2024. He was a cab driver who picked up someone who ended up stabbing him and leaving him to die in a parking lot- after he stole the cab. He was eventually caught, however it became a military case (the man who kied him was fleeing charges of child re, yet for some insane reason was never put in pretrial confinement). My life ended overnight and I had to move back in with my parents. About two months after this, my mom fell off our back steps when she went out to feed her hummingbirds (it was almost 10pm). She shattered her shoulder and broke her arm, and I turned into a full-time caregiver overnight. I had not talked to any grief groups or even had help making a Drs appointment prior to this because I was barely functioning, because hers now took priority. I didn't risk paralyzing myself if I had a bad fall- she did. However, this wouldn't stop her from trying to leave where she was sitting when we weren't around because she felt "useless." She even had a few "minor" falls that she wanted me to lie to my dad about for her, so he "wouldn't worry."So then I had to support her in that and assure her I was taking care of her and loved her. I became her support, and she's recovered pretty well. I picked up a lot of (most) of the slack when Mom had to rest, but after things began developing with the case, I became more and more depressed. Every new detail I learned, everything that could have saved my partner's and I's life together, was neglected or ignored until it was too late. I had a breakdown last September where I attempted to k*l myself and was hospitalized. After that, I got therapy, 9 months later, but at least I go. I started taking physical exercise seriously, changed a lot of my diet, and have lost around 100 pounds. My friends are telling me how healthy I look, and I feel healthier than I have in years. Here's where it's gotten messy. My mom had a heart to heart conversation with me about a month ago, how much I had been "eating a lot" of sugary foods lately, and that she's worried about me self destructing with my weight. I couldn't believe she felt so free to just say that, running myself around and putting my needs on the back burner, taking care of HER. I got quiet, left, and I addressed that even if I hadn't lost the weight, the idea that my worth has to be tied to it like that feels horrible. She proceeded to tell me how the world judges people based on appearance and that I should know that by now. After I told her how much I felt like shit after that, she felt guilty, cried and promised she'd never bring it up my weight or body again.
Part 2 happened a few days ago. I got myself a bottle of cherry cola when I was out shopping for groceries for my parents. I came home, thought I did a nice thing going so neither of them had to. The cherry soda sat on the counter, and I came into the room with Mom. We talked a little, turned to the TV a bit when after a few moments she says "I really wish you wouldn't do that." I wasn't sure what she meant at first, so asked for clarification. Sure enough I had "clearly" overlooked how many grams of sugar are in that bottle of soda. That it's not good for me at all and I needed to be wiser about my choices. When I pointed out that she had promised me she wouldn't bring this up again because it clearly upset me, she said "I'm talking about your health, this is DIFFERENT!". And then she put up her hands and said "Sorry I even brought it up." Me too, actually. So now, I have been very quiet and kind of reserved at home. My mom keeps talking to me about how she wants to support me through this and what do "I" need? I have so many things that would help me, but none really involve her if she's just going to keep tearing me down as soon as I start feeling even a little better about one of life's aspects. If I bring up an insecurity of mine, it almost feels like I'm giving her ammunition to hurt me with later. I've been hurt enough, especially since last January. I had also told Mom my fears of my fiance never receiving full justice and the news possibly not getting involved because of the military. She pointed out "The news has to keep up with current stories, and his case is older. You'll spiral even more if you worry about that too much. Just don't expect anything." I'm almost thinking of asking her not to go to the trial. That's how upset I am. She loved him too, and she was with me when I was told he was gone. I don't know what to do. I've never felt so alone. So, AITA?