This is going to be a long one.

My fiancée and I have been together for two years. We met when I was in a relationship with my now ex-husband, (before we got married) and became friends.

There was a period of time when my ex broke up with me, and we started seeing each other. This went on for about a month. Things were going really well, however, my ex and I have a son, and in the interest of trying to do right by our son. He asked if I would be willing to give us another shot.

I was hesitant, but after being raised by divorced parents who never seemed to put me first, I agreed to give it a shot. After all, he broke up with me, I still loved him at the time, and I wanted what was best for my family.

In hindsight, I don’t know that he ever loved me the way he wanted to, and tried to. I think he felt a similar sense of obligation that I did, and seeing me happy with someone else hurt him a little.

So we tried to make it work, even went as far as getting married.

Things were good for about 6 months, before we came to the mutual conclusion that it wasn’t going ti work, and it would be wrong to continue to try to force it.

We never really took the vow we made seriously though.

I don’t think either of us knew what marriage really meant when we chose to enter into it.

Having put some time and distance from it. I deeply regret marrying him.

It was for the wrong reasons, and it was not from a place of love or honor, it was from a place of fear and weak willed intentions.

After we separated. We did not divorce immediately. In fact, we stayed married for well over a year after we separated.

A few months after our separation, I got back together with my now fiancée.

Being with him was part of the reason I knew that my “marriage” to my ex was a bastardization of the word.

My fiancée is someone who I would go to the ends of the earth for, make every sacrifice, and do anything and everything I can to contribute to his happiness, wellbeing, and to honor the commitment that I plan to make to him.

Since we got engaged a few months ago, I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I’ve looked back on my past actions, and where they led me, and I feel a lot of guilt and regret. Upon deeper reflection, I felt I had lost my way from who I wanted to be growing up, and the life I intended for myself.

For some additional context, my fiancée and I had spent a good deal of time discussing our faith prior to our engagement. He encouraged me to get baptized, and for us to start going to church together, to improve our sense of community and support. He wants us to be together in this life, and whatever comes after.

I was raised in church, but I lost my faith for a very long time. Part of my recent self rediscovery was attempting to restore that faith and a relationship with god. In an effort to do that, I explained to my fiancée that the way I’ve been living, and the choices I’ve made in the past are some that I regret deeply, and want to seek forgiveness for. I explained that I wanted to try to be better, and to not let history repeat itself. I said I wanted to get baptized, and I did indeed want to attend church with him as well.

One of the ways I wished to improve my relationship with god, and to seek forgiveness for some of my past mistakes, was to wait to have sex again until we are officially married.

Given my past with marriage, and my failure to respect its institution, I assumed he would be on board. We’re getting married in a little over a month, so it didn’t seem like I was really asking for all that much.

Just to wait until we were officially joined to continue exploring that part of our relationship, in an effort to respect what that commitment means to me.

I don’t intend to have sex with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. That’s part of the commitment of marriage, and the next time we do it, I want it to be in a sanctified union, so that it might have greater meaning to us than it did prior.

This was where his support tapered off.

He immediately took it as me losing interest, punishing him for “something” as he put it, and trying to test him to see if he would agree to it.

I tried to assure him that was not the case, but he won’t hear me, it doesn’t matter how I explain it. He can only view it as a show of disrespect.

He says that there are other ways I can be better, and just because I think this is the right thing to do, doesn’t make it what’s actually right. He said I should ask other people what they think. Because he asked some people, and they thought me making this request was a “big red flag.” So here I am.

I know not everyone here is of religious faith, I could never expect you all to be, but I feel there are enough things that everyone can relate to here to be of some advice.

Is there a way I could help him see my perspective more easily? Is it wrong of me to ask this given that we’ve already had sex and I’m now depriving him of something he’s come to expect? Should I forget the whole thing and ask for forgiveness later?

I really don’t want to forget it. I genuinely feel like this is the best decision to make for myself. I know it involves him too, I just thought he would be a lot more supportive given that we were on the same page about reestablishing our faith.

I’m just a little stuck here, and I want to find a better way. Thanks in advance, and sorry for the novel.