Hi all,

Sorry, this would be long. I could really use some advice here. I am in therapy right now to navigate my feelings and the complexities of my situation. I am using a new account as my husband knows my main. Throwaway account here. Let's call my husband Jake (fake name).

I have been married to Jake for about a year now and have been together for 5 years. Last year, my father-in-law verbally abused me and Jake over text where he essentially told me that if I was not his son's fiancé, he would have nothing to do with me. He blamed me for everything without taking any accountability and demanded that I should have accepted his wife's first attempt at an apology (she literally said "sorry if I had offended you") and just deal with her future transgressions. What the apology was for? Well, my husband’s mom has said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years. What was the final straw that broke the camels back was when she posted a group picture of us all. she placed a caption over my face and my parents faces and that was extremely disrespectful to my family who warmly graced her. Jake chalked it up to tech incompetence. I disagreed and it just escalated from there.

Furthermore, they threatened not to come to our wedding. It was just a mess really. I felt like the blissful time before our wedding was ruined. We did go through with the wedding though, and they cooperated, but I just could not see them the same way again.

Jake and I had tried few months after our wedding to meet with his parents over dinner to get reacquainted (at our therapist's advice). It was going well with surface level conversation but halfway through dinner, I felt irked as I just could not continue talking, and act like nothing had happened. They were really talking to us as if nothing had happened. So, I spoke up and try to explain that this dinner was an attempt to get reacquainted again and see if we can repair our relationship. Jake saw the expressions on their faces and knew right and there that they would not understand. We ended that dinner on a civil note.

As of now, I am currently no contact with his mother. A few months before this past Christmas, his mother thought I would be joining them for Christmas, but he told them the truth that I do not feel comfortable attending and especially not without a sincere apology. He has had conversations with his parents to reiterate what was needed to repair the relationship first. In response, his father had said “I respect your opinion” and it was left at that. Then Jake met up with them after the Christmas day. He told me that his mother had stated that she wishes that I was there, and he reiterated to her that she knows what needs to be done about it. She also gave jewelry as a gift and Jake brought it to me. I told him that I will not longer be accepting gifts from his parents. That is not how apologies work.

I am now currently no contact with his parents and honestly, it did wonders for my mental health and I truly had peace. I am writing the above for context.

Now to the reason of my post, I want to navigate the situation concerning my SIL. I am not okay with many things my SIL had said and done.  Let’s call Jake’ sister, Molly. Here are a few things below –

While I was dating Jake,

1. I had always tried to try and get to know Molly so I would ask questions. The effort was not reciprocated. I thought nothing of this at first and chalked it up to space and shyness.
2. One time we went to the beach together with his family; Jake would go get a drink with his BIL. His parents were sitting on the beach and Molly was playing ball with her son. I called out to her but was ignored so I was left alone. I noticed that at every visit, Molly would not include me in activities.

Before our wedding,

1. Molly took his parents’ side and did not act as a neutral bridge.
2. When I elected not to spend Christmas with them during the conflict so I could have some space for my mental health, Jake chose to stay with me (I insisted that he go). His parents asked why he is spending Christmas with me since “ I don’t celebrate Christmas” (according to them). Disclaimer – I am not white. They are white, but they do not go to Church, so I am celebrating Christmas just as much as them (dinners and gifts). Molly sided with his parents on this.
3. When Jake begged Molly to help make me feel like I am part of the family, she accused me of being controlling and manipulative when literally, when all me and Jake was doing was set boundaries with his parents. Molly also guilts tripped Jake for not being present with her kids.
4. When Jake first told Molly about our wedding date, the first thing she said was that her son’s extracurricular activities costs her ten grand. We thought it was an odd response.
5. Then came the invitation. Molly told Jake that she would ask her son if he wanted to attend the reception as he plays his baseball games. Jake was also told that they cannot attend the pre-wedding events as they have a mortgage and bills to pay.
6. Molly’s Facebook account got hacked and after that, she added close family and friends on her new account. Added Jake’s ex but not me.

After the wedding,

1. Despite Jake’s advice to his family on how to mend the relationship with me, I have not heard a single apology from his parents. Molly had not reached out to me since our wedding, so at this point, I do not have a relationship with her.
2. She continues on sending updates to Jake about her son’s development and sends the invitation for her son’s games.
3. One game, Jake agreed to attend, his parents showed up too. He was not informed by Molly ahead of time that they would show up. She was well aware of the issues between us and them. Thankfully I did not elect to go, otherwise it would be an ambush.

I told Jake that I do not feel that she likes me. She keeps me at arms’ length for some reason. That is fine. If that is her choice, I get it. But this is where I am conflicted. I hate that this is how she is treating me and yet he is talking to her as if nothing had happened.

When I addressed this with him, I firmly said that I am not saying to cut them off but like when are you going to have this conversation with her?

I am all about boundaries and having the hard conversations. He thinks killing them with kindness and leading by example with somehow send a message to Molly, all because boundaries don't work on his family. AITA for insisting that he impose boundaries?

So, Reddit, what are your thoughts on this? Please advise.