I, (28M) have been dating my gf (27F) for almost a year now. We live in an apartment with our 2 boys (6,8) whom she had with her ex-boyfriend and her mother (43). Her ex is currently in prison and 7 months into a 5-year sentence.

We decided to move in together early in our relationship as we clicked fairly quickly and we both agreed what we had was special. She made it clear fairly early in the relationship that her mother and kids were a packaged deal with her and that whoever was with her would also have to accept that. I had no issue with this. I love those two boys like they’re my kids and I can’t express the happiness it brings me to watch them grow and learn new things. I love spending time with them as much as I love spending time with my gf.

Her mother, on the other hand, is a different story. The astute among you might have done the math and seen that she had my gf at a young age. While I believe she means well, she micromanages every aspect of my gfs life and the boys. Before I moved in she was the primary breadwinner and she was very controlling of my gfs life.

When I first started dating my gf she seemed to like me enough. I’ve always been respectful to her and made sure she has her place in the home however as I’ve grown more ingrained into my gfs life and the boys she’s become more judgmental and even appears to outright dislike me. She’s constantly badmouthing my decisions to my gf and even comparing me to the boy's father. While I know she only wants what’s best for her, I don’t understand her dislike towards me as I pay 75% of the bills in the house, have what I believe to be a great relationship with both my girlfriend and the boys, and I even try to help out around the house as much as I can even though I work 70 hour weeks.

This all came to a head when one of the boys kept getting in trouble in school, I caught him disrespecting my gfs mother multiple times, and even blatantly lying about his brother hitting him just so he would get in trouble. I tried to talk to him about his actions but he refused to listen to me even going as far as screaming so he didn't have to hear me talk. I tried putting him in time but he once again started to violently scream as if he was being hurt. Finally, I had enough and threatened to lock him in his room by himself for 15 minutes if he did not behave.

When my gfs mother heard this she immediately started to scream at me that I had no right to do this. She told me that I was not the boy's father and I could not punish him. Furthermore, she said that locking a child in a room by himself was considered child abuse and she would report me to the police. She insists that my parenting isn't needed and that they're raising the boys fine without me. Mind you, the school has sent multiple letters home and contacted my gf because of his behavior. He doesn't listen to either of them or his teachers and the school is threatening to expel him. He has no accountability for his actions and I know that if we don't intervene soon this will have long-term psychological consequences. In the middle of this, my girlfriend gets caught in the crossfire and has to listen to us argue about what's best for them.

For more context, I was raised in a household where misbehavior was met with borderline violent beatings so I'm skeptical about enforcing any form of corporal punishment but there has to be some form of punishment for his behavior. I was dumbfounded that she believed I was being abusive and that I had no right to discipline the boys. I love them like they were my I'd never forgive myself if they didn't grow up to be good men. Admittedly, I did snap back at her that I love them like they're my kids, I take care of them like they're my kids, and I even pay for everything that they need as if they were mine. So I'd be damned if I'm going to let them grow up not knowing accountability because she was more concerned with spoiling them than raising them and that they'd end up in jail just like their father.

I admit that the way I went about saying it was disrespectful and I immediately apologized but I didn't regret saying it. Statistically speaking, they're going to have a more difficult time becoming well-adjusted young men with no father figure in their lives and I desperately want what's best for them but I can't stand to hurt my girlfriend with constant arguments with her mother about the boys specifically the one I went I to detail about here.

Tl;dr I want to teach my gf kids accountability and be able to discipline them (not physically) but her mother who lives with us insists I have no right to punish or discipline them as I'm not their actual father. I was disrespectful and implied that if I'm going to be responsible for them I’m going to raise them the way I believe is best regardless of who their father is. I also told her that she's doing a horrible job raising them and they're going to end up in jail like their father if they're not taught accountability.