Hello everyone, throwaway because I don’t want anyone I know to see this and have it get back to him as that’s not right.

I (21F) had been in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend (21M) for about a year and a half before this all began. For some background, our relationship had been pretty amazing minus some issues with his trauma from being cheated on in his last relationship and his substance abuse. He had been smoking marijuana since the age of 16 and addicted to nicotine on and off for the same amount of time. I did not know he was addicted when we began dating and when I realize about 4 months in I discussed with him that I thought he needed to get help to quit as it was starting to affect our relationship and his health. He quit for about 8 months and then relapsed afterwards and after speaking to him about for a second time, he quit both again about 3 weeks before his episode. So onto the issue that led to me breaking up with him. I noticed that he was becoming very grandiose for a few days and not himself, which wound up becoming a pretty severe manic episode with delusions and psychosis which ended up with him being brought to an ER by his parents so he could get treatment right away. He stayed there for about a week and then began anti-psychotics and lithium after his psychiatrist spoke with his parents and told them he had been diagnosed with bipolar. Another week went by with him still technically in an in-patient program to monitor him, but at the end of that week we had a call and I wound up breaking up with him. I will be as honest and impartial as I can while explaining my reasoning as I am truly still so conflicted on whether I made the right decision despite starting therapy to try and figure it out on my own.

When his parents told me he had bipolar, my first instinct was to search and learn everything I could about it to try to prepare myself how to support him through it. I read numerous articles detailing the progression of bipolar and the different medication options for treatment and the lifestyle changes that would need to be made, as well as risk factors for recurrence and worsening episodes. My ex-boyfriend had mild anxiety and some seasonal depression before the mania surfaced, and that combined with his substance abuse absolutely terrified me that he would have another episode. While the first one was occurring, I was barely able to take care of myself. I was crying for most of the day while trying to work, I had very little appetite and could not sleep properly. I was terrified of what his diagnosis would mean for our future and the future I wanted for myself. I did not want to break up with him at all and kept rationalizing in my head that we would just need a strong support system with his parents close by and a great psychiatrist to still live a relatively normal life. I even thought about us adopting children or using his brother as a sperm donor so that we could have children who were a little bit of both of us as I am pretty sure I want kids one day. I tried to justify everything. But in my gut I knew I would never be able to let go of the anxiety of him having another episode. I was scared that one day he would wake up manic and I’d lose him for months and never get the whole version of him back. I was scared he’d fall into a depression where he’d not be able to take care of himself and I would be the only one keeping us going. I am someone who wants an equal partnership and as an eldest daughter, I tend to slip into the caretaker role and worried this would happen with him. I want to travel and see the world and with the requirements for proper sleep and routine I didn’t see how that would be possible without worrying about that lifestyle triggering an episode.

I wanted to stay and see how treatment would go, but a conversation with my parents about it made me realize that another episode while I’m still trying to finish school would absolutely ruin me and I would be ignoring the fact that if we made it to marriage, I didn’t think I would be able to say yes. I sometimes worry that my parents influenced my decision, but ultimately I know they were just looking out for me and I think I would have come to the decision regardless, they might have just sped up the decision process. I came to this conclusion while he was still in the hospital and once he got his phone back we would communicate through text where I would continue to flip between wanting to try to make it work and realizing I couldn’t be there for the relationship 100%. The guilt was making me physically ill and I went to a crisis therapy appointment to try to figure out what to do but it didn’t help. The day we broke up, we called several times where he kept asking me to just wait a few days, then a week, then a month but I was trying my best not to promise anything or flat out say no as i wanted to break up in person because I thought doing it over the phone wasn’t right. However, he said I needed to make a decision as my uncertainty was holding him back from recovery. I was in absolute agony realizing I was going to be hurting someone I loved deeply over something they could not control and the guilt was horrible. However, we did have a final call where I finally had the courage to tell him I couldn’t do it. It did not go over well as I’m pretty sure he was still not back to himself as he’d only been on lithium for a few days, but he said some angry and hurtful things which I do not blame him for as he wasn’t himself. We went no contact for a few days until a mutual friend told me he still wanted to try to get back together but he wouldn’t be the one to reach out first. I felt that I needed to explain myself again through text as the call ended in tears and anger with very little understanding between us, so I texted him essentially apologizing for adding to his pain and trauma and that it was an incredibly hard decision for me. I told him it wasn’t about me not believing in him or his strength but that I myself couldn’t go through an episode again. I wished him well and he then messaged back asking to call, where we had a tear-filled conversation where he seemed to understand that I did what I did for myself and not because of my doubt in him. We both said I love you and the conversation ended in a lot of crying and wishes of a last meeting, but I don’t know if that will ever happen.

I am still dealing with a ton of grief, guilt and loneliness over my decision. There are days and times where I feel like I should have stayed to see how treatment went, but then I also remember I would have had that gut feeling and ignoring it wouldn’t have been right. I am still trying to work through these emotions but I guess I am looking for impartial external validation that what I did doesn’t make me a horrible person. I know that ultimately I have to be the one who can live with this decision and know I did the right thing, but right now as I try to heal from losing my best friend and someone I still have a lot of love for, it feels impossible when I still can’t 100% say that I did the right thing. He deserves someone who can stand by him through everything and I don’t think that was me, but I still feel like I am a bad person for abandoning him in a time where he needed me. Please tell me honestly, AITA? Thank you everyone