I (M20s) am actually conflicted over an incident involving a woman I've been casually dating since 2023. I'd love to hear some outside opinions since I keep finding myself thinking that I'm going crazy over how it all played out.

Background: She was my first legit girlfriend — that is, she was the first girl that I had the resources to actually take out and try to make something serious of. (I don't count relationships I had when I was 14 and 16 as being serious.) From the beginning, she was incredibly insecure — just randomly saying we have to stop talking to one another sometimes, then speaking later. Despite the push-pull relationship, we had a good emotional match that led me to want to keep going. She would often ask me to "take charge" or be a more experienced person, but I had none — I never had a father figure and was figuring things out as I went along.

When we were younger and just together, she glimpsed someone else behind my back and went out to see him. She tried to hide it from me, and I cut her off when I found out.

Sometime within a year or so later, we reconnected. We met at an Airbnb to just hang out and emotionally reconnect. It was a dramatic night — she wanted to have sex, but because of anxiety and complicated feelings, I couldn't. She took it personally, and we broke up that night with hurt feelings.

I took her out on two real dates after the Airbnb, and it felt like we were trending toward actually dating again.

But two days later after the second date, she went out with another man she had been secretly talking to — a man who had disrespected her in the past and whom she had told me blocked her (making it seem like it was over). I did not know she was still talking to him.

This man attacked her that night.

Then she lied to me about what happened that day. I kept pressing because I knew something was off. I finally asked her point-blank if she had sex with someone — she wrote "yes" and stopped typing. Betrayed and upset (and not yet realizing that it was assault), I yelled at her to call her a whore in anger, which I deeply regret.

Immediately after that, she sent me a message saying that it wasn't consensual — she got raped.

I felt bad when I heard that, apologized, and told her that I wanted to be with her.

But I still had hurt feelings — not for the assault, but for the lie about being away, about who she was talking to, and about what was happening for days. I was hurt also because during the time when we were reconnecting, she was flirting and sexually interacting with another person behind my back while emotionally toying with me.

When I tried talking about how I felt (not the attack, but the lying), she told me that I was selfish and guilt-tripping her.

She read me all of the old texts out last night, painting herself as the victim and me as selfish and manipulative and stating that all I ever did was make her feel guilty. She said her friends believe that I am a bad person.

When I tried to explain to her why I did what I did, all I said was the things that I did for her because she always accused me of thinking that she's a whore. I told her I did it out of respect — because to me, she is a valuable individual — and not to embarrass her or to have something over her head.

But she argues that I'm self-centered in my ways and do only self-stuff. Both of these arguments lead to her calling me some kind of villain or bad person and none of what I mean feeling applicable.

Now I'm stuck. I genuinely care for her. I think about her daily, wait for her calls, and actually wanted to move on in a healthier way. But she's making me feel like I'm manipulative for just needing honesty and closure.

AITA for attempting to bring up my hurt feelings and clear the air after she told me about her assault?