Okay, here’s the situation. About three years ago, I (29F) left my ex. He wasn’t a horrible guy, but we were in a dead relationship for a while. He was obsessed with this video game, and our sex life had flatlined. We were essentially just roommates. I was unhappy, and I knew I had to leave, but at the time, I didn’t have enough saved to get my own place. So, I reached out to my family, asking if I could stay with one of them for a month or two until I got back on my feet. Every single one of them turned me down.

So, I ended up living in my car for a while, which was as fun as it sounds. My family is really big on “bootstrapping” and personal responsibility, so they all acted like it was my problem to figure out. I didn’t have any local friends who could help me either, so I just kept on trucking. After a few months of that, my high school friend Penny moved back to town and offered to let me crash at her place. She’s been a solid friend through this whole ordeal, and I’ve been living with her ever since.

Flash forward to now: My mom calls me a few months ago asking what I was doing in August. Turns out, the whole family is planning a big reunion in Florida, and they had been assuming I’d be going. They’d already booked flights, made reservations, and everything. I get it, family reunions are important, but... I had other plans.

A while ago, Penny asked if I could help her out at her craft fairs this summer. She does 10-15 of them a year, selling handmade jewelry and ceramics, and it’s a huge deal for her business. I told her I’d help out because I genuinely want to support her. I’m excited about it—she’s been so supportive of me, especially when my family couldn’t be.

So when my mom asked about the reunion, I told her I wouldn’t be able to make it because I was helping Penny with her fairs. And oh boy, that did not go over well. My mom was furious. She asked what could be more important than a trip to Florida and said I had no sense of family obligation. I told her I’d be supporting my friend’s business, which I felt was a pretty valid reason.

My mom then went off, saying this was probably the last time we’d all be together with some of the older family members, and that I was being selfish. She even called me “petty” for holding onto old grudges. She totally brushed aside how they’d treated me when I was struggling—like when I was literally living in my car while they had dinner parties, and nobody cared. But now, I’m supposed to drop everything and be the picture-perfect family member?

It really stung. I ended the call because I couldn’t deal with her dismissiveness anymore. Later, my sister called me, saying I was being childish and that this reunion was supposed to be a “reset” for the family. She told me I’d be an idiot not to go. I get it—some of my family members may not be around much longer, and maybe this will be my last chance to see them. But at the same time, I just can’t shake how hurt I felt back then.

I feel like if I go, I’ll be putting aside everything I went through just to be the good daughter at a family reunion. But if I don’t go, I feel like I’ll be the one who looks bad. Penny’s been more of a family to me than my own family ever was, and it feels wrong to choose the reunion over helping her with her business, especially after everything I’ve been through.

So, am I being unreasonable? Should I go to the reunion and “mend fences” with my family, or am I justified in choosing my friend’s business over a family reunion, given how they treated me when I was at my lowest?

Edit: Just to clarify, I’m not saying I’ll never forgive my family, but it’s hard for me to ignore how they treated me when I was in crisis. It’s not that I don’t want to be there for them, but I’m setting boundaries now to protect myself from feeling used again.