I 31M have been thinking a lot about this and I really need some insight. For context, we dated about 10 years ago for a few years. She 27M cheated on me around the time she got pregnant. This girl was my 1st love and everything, ill be honest I was really unprepared to have a child but wanted to nonetheless. I got her to confess that she did it and for the remainder of her pregnancy (around 6 months) we constantly fought. Not bc she cheated but because she didnt really care that she did and that hurt me more. Like some weird clinging puppy the more she acted like she didnt give a shit, the more I clung. She started to act like loving her and being vulnerable was weak and she started treating me as such. I don't remember much about before only how I felt and I felt like complete shit. Around 3 months or 'our' child being born , she started dating another guy , and not only that bring him around my son. She did a lot of things out of spite like take pictures with her qnd her boyfriend with my son. Slowly I drifted away more than I already was, to be honest I did go a bit crazy. She pulled away from me and I honestly had no idea why. Imagine you being with someone for Years and then one random ass morning they don't want to touch you or see u anymore. With no explanation, that wouldn't make you tick ? You're a liar if you said no.

Fast forward, to 4 years ago. I recently lost my mother to unaliving herself and watched my grandmother die of a stroke right in front of me. I was so fucked in the head I needed therapy, I thought about offing myself so many times because nothing in my life goes right. Everyone I've ever loved either died or left for no reason, and some days I want to snap so bad because of so confused I was. But now I realize that being kind and loving doesn't mean anything the world owes you nothing. But I can't stop , I don't know why . However the timed we have talked alone she would let things slip like "I look at your page all the time " despite us not being friends on social media. She would sometimes talk about her real and how it's failing or something like that. She would say things like I loved her perfect but I didn't get the hint so she had to hurt me (whatever the hell that means). The last time I saw her was after my grandmother funeral, she offered to buy me food and drive me home despite not seeing each other in years. I accepted, we even smoked a blunt together while 'our' son played mine craft. Idk how to explain this feeling but when I was alone with her, there was SO much sexual tension you could cut it with a knife. She would often make open remarks about my privates and how good I was in bed. However that last time I told her that I would no longer play 2nd fiddle, I needed to be his actual parent or not be there at all. I don't think she took me serious and brushed it off , so I didn't speak to her for about 4 more years .

This Friday, I texted my son . He has his own phone now , I took him to Friendly's and we ate some food. However he refers to someone as "daddy" . He is autistic and he calls someone else daddy. I don't know how long it's been going on but here's my dilemma

I know I should have been there. I know I could have done more . I could have been the dad I never had and I could have sacrificed for my child.

On the other hand.... I'm like "I'm just being used" she's just playing games. Remember she was the only person I ever really loved in my life and I know she knows that . My thing is should I pursue a relationship with my son or at least try to ? I would have to deal with her on some way or another no matter how I look at it . Yes I still love her but too many things happened between us idk how to explain it. Closest thing is "she's the person who got away" but she's still in my life .

Would I be the asshole if I walked away? Would I be stupid to stay? Does what I say make any sense at all or does it sound like rambling? Please feel free to ask whatever questions you feel you need to .