This happened in December of last year. My friends (I'll refer to them as A and B) and I are all young females and the three of us were volunteering at an organization.

This was the last session we were attending as Christmas was rolling around. Before this session had commenced, I was already upset over a few things so I just prayed that the day would go by smoothly (oh how wrong I was), I had gotten on my bus and received a phone call from A, she had told me that B and her were stranded at a bus stop due to the rain. I was worried for them so I told them to wait at the bus stop and get on the bus I was in which I sent my location to allow them to know where I was at. A few minutes later, as I was arriving to their bus stop, I received another call from A that told me they were on the bus I was on. Confused, I told them I had not arrived yet which created a short pause between us, they had gotten on the wrong bus. Irritated and anxious for their well being, I told them the directions and to get to the venue safe. They arrived about 10 minutes late and I had already started my activities but I guess my anger had not dissapated seeing as they were slowly strolling into the venue giggling. I told them get in and get out after putting their things and started the activities. Once they were done, we headed back to the room with our bags to have dinner and I confronted (and scolded them) about the situation. They explained and we just went back to normal conversations. A silence ensued and jokingly, I asked B why they got on the wrong bus again. This must have ticked her off as B said I should let it go and that she wouldn't have held onto it as long as I did. My initial confusion turned into silent rage as I let her talk before talking back towards her and an even more awkward silence was created between the three of us. Soon, they left and I sat there silently thinking about what I had done towards them.

January rolled around and school reopened, there's this camp we had to attend to speak about our troubles and emotions to bond as a class (lowkey kinda stupid bus alas), everything seemed fine between me and B (A wasn't as affected as B). After a few rounds of my classmates talking about their troubles, I decided to open up about mine. I recently realized about my abandonment issues and I was comfortable enough to share it. I guess that was the wrong thing to do since it seemed that it drove B farther away from me. The camp ended and I thought everything was fine, maybe a little awkward but nevertheless the same as before. As days went on, I noticed how withdrawn B was from me. I thought nothing of it and gave her the space she needed but as weeks went on, I felt more and more left out of the group. This was strange to me as (even if I wasn't the closest to all of them) I was still able to talk freely and smile, getting in on the gossip and whatever news they wanted to share. Now, I felt like I was slowly disappearing in their eyes, an NPC they were forced to be with during lunch and other classes, someone who didn't deserve to listen in on their personal lives. I became quieter and quieter with them and distanced myself even more, deciding to hang out with another bunch of friends.

Recently, I gathered up the courage to ask them (mainly B) what was wrong and apologized sincerely, apologizing another time for waiting 4 months to speak up about this. Preferably, I wanted to do it in person however I texted her as the feelings were slowly killing me on the inside. Sure enough, it was the argument during our volunteer session that caused her to distance herself, afraid I was gonna explode at her again for saying the wrong things. This really hurt, as I typed my long ass apologies, tears finally fell. B was a person I clicked with instantly, trusted and laughed with a lot when we first met last year. It hurt knowing that come one I shared my highs and lows with and who she shared hers, thought I was some ticking time bomb. She says she appreciates the apology and that one day she hopes we can be close again. This sent me spiraling a bit, crying before I opened my phone to apologize to A. I didn't write as long of messages towards A as she seemed more relaxed around me but she did say she doesn't think we would be as close. This stabbed my heart a second time.

I already know what I had done was such an asshole move and my above paragraph as are explanations and not justifications of my actions. I have anxiety (not diagnosed but I tend to feel this emotion alot) and I also over think and considering my friend groups past drama last year, I can't help but think they probably talked about it to our other friends in the group. I feel terrible about thinking about such a thought and I know I'm the asshole in the situation. I feel offended that our deep bond had crumbled over me crashing out as I once again will reinterate that we've (mainly me and B) been through so much together. I feel like my burdens should lift after apologizing but I feel like it only added to it. I don't know what to do but I feel like i just want to bury myself into the ground and not go to school tomorrow. (I've also talked to my other friends that were affected by my friend group and they personally think it's a pretty toxic friend group but having such deep relationships with them make me want to salvage it)(Also just realised my typo in the title 💀💀)