Sorry for the long post - this has been weighing so heavily and I would love to gain some perspective. The "H" was meant to be "Sister".

I (31 F) and my sister (33 F) we’ll call her Sarah, have always had a decent relationship. We went through a lot of trauma with our biological father and although we had normal sibling spats growing up, we have been mostly good as adults. We get along but I wouldn’t call us “close”.

Sarah began the process of getting divorced about 15 months ago and it was finalized about 6 months ago. When her and her now ex husband started having marital issues, I was very involved with helping her and her 2 kids (my nieces) as she navigated getting divorced. I would take time off work to help babysit my nieces, I helped her move, stayed at her home when there were arguments between her and her ex-husband to ensure the kids were good. My boyfriend (29 M), we’ll call him Morgan, and I even offered to move out of our apartment to let her and her children live there while she found a place to live (it’s small and we couldn’t all live together). Once she finally moved out, I started helping her get her self esteem back up by doing new experiences, going shopping for new clothes, creating uplifting, positive music playlists for her (idk it helped me a lot after a breakup), etc. I introduced her to all of my friends in the area, including my best friend (38 M), we’ll call him Joe.

Joe and I worked together for a few years and initially bonded over the fact that we were both going through a rough breakup but ended up having a lot in common. We have been friends for over 6 years, and it has always been strictly platonic. When I began dating Morgan 2 years ago, Joe and Morgan immediately clicked and became fast friends. Morgan, Joe and I typically would go to dinner all together at least once a week and hangout separately throughout the week too.

Joe made it clear after meeting Sarah that he was interested in her. Sarah did not share the same feelings initially, but after spending some time together solo, she changed her mind, and they began dating. I was admittedly a little concerned about the timing of the relationship because Sarah tends to jump into relationships and commit very quickly. I also had concerns that Joe may not take the relationship seriously as I have seen him casually hookup with many women in our time as friends.

Unprompted, Joe specifically asked me for my blessing on dating Sarah and explained that he is very interested in a committed relationship with her. I told him he did not need my blessing at all, but I happily give it and shared my singular concern on the timing, which Joe echoed was a concern of his own.

Shortly after they began dating, I felt like I was getting put in the middle of their relationship. A couple examples are Joe asked me to send him childhood pictures of Sarah and Sarah asked me to give her access to Joe’s garage (which I have access to via an app) to leave a gift for him. Both requests felt inappropriate to me based on my relationships with each of them. I talked to them both about the requests and told them I don’t want to be a middleman but confirmed that I still love both of them and I’m glad they are happy together.

This is when things took a turn. I was still spending time with Joe and Sarah individually and it was fine, but when we would all come together and grab dinner or hangout, it was very awkward. Joe and Sarah wouldn’t speak to Morgan and me - they would just whisper to each other. One time they invited us to dinner and then ate before we met at the restaurant and just ordered one drink to share and watched us eat. Sarah also began telling me that Joe didn’t like Morgan and that he felt like he was lazy. When I asked Joe about it, he explained that it was actually Sarah who felt that way and that she felt like Morgan was taking advantage of my “caring nature”. This was surprising because both Joe and Sarah had told me numerous times about how much they liked Morgan and how he brought such a balance to my life. I spoke to both of them separately about the issue and it was clear it was something they were talking about together. They told me that they didn’t think he let out our dog enough (Morgan had pneumonia at the time, so yes, I had been taking out our dog more often than him) but that was their only concern. I explained that if they had legitimate concerns, I needed to hear them, but I don’t appreciate them gossiping about my relationship and then not being transparent with me.

After the conversation, I continued to invite Sarah and Joe out with other friends as usual. Sarah began making me the butt of the joke each time we were out with my friends and always had an incredibly sour attitude like she didn’t want to be there. I asked her to stop multiple times, and she would apologize but when she called me “the hairy giant” in front of my friends, I decided this would be the last time I invited her out. I explained to Joe that I am happy to still have him come out to things with my friends, but that Sarah was no longer invited and I understood if that meant he didn’t want to come either. Joe said he’s just trying to “stay out of it”. I asked what he meant, and he said Sarah had been “on him” about whether or not men and women can truly be platonic friends and that he didn’t want to get involved in our drama.

Hearing this, I took a huge step back and stopped reaching out to either Sarah or Joe to hangout. I felt like once again, I was in the middle of their relationship. A couple months later, I was wrestling with Sarah and I’s brother at our parents’ house for Thanksgiving and our brother’s friend commented “Oh, I need to put money on this”. Sarah responded with “Well don’t pick ___ (me)”. I said to Sarah, “your commentary is unnecessary”. Sarah blew up, ran out of the room crying and then came back to yell at me that she has to walk on eggshells around me and that she is done being bullied by me. She then said this is her personality and I needed to stop talking to her and Joe about the things she says. I said ok and stopped reaching out to her or Joe – only responding when they reached out first (typically just when they wanted a dog sitter, which I declined).

A couple months later, I reached out to her and Joe separately after finding out I may be relocating to another state. I told them both that I was sad about where we were and wanted to repair the relationship. Joe said he was open to that but hasn’t asked to hangout or discuss it more. Sarah responded back that she will only speak to me if I stop bullying her and gossiping about her. I asked how I was the one bullying her, but she just kept saying she has to walk on eggshells around me. I told her I was confused about how I am the bully in this situation, and I feel like our relationship has become so toxic and transactional. The conversation was ultimately not productive, and I ended it, but she responded back with “sorry my world turned upside down and I needed you for awhile after the divorce. I thought you maybe could have appreciated that and tried to actually help me because you have been through a bad breakup before”.

I was so incredibly hurt by this comment after all of the time and energy I put into helping her after she filed and post-divorce. I decided to just walk away and not pour anymore energy into trying to maintain a relationship with either of them. I love both of them and my nieces, so I am struggling with whether I need to keep trying to fix this. Am I the asshole here?