Throw away because I have a lot of friends who use reddit and know my main.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (29F) run in a pretty decent sized group of friends. One of the members is a guy, let’s call him James (26M).  James as well as most of the friend group all used to work together and James has been our friend for about 3 years now. During those 3 years, James has made some jokes I find in poor taste.  For example, he told a 19 year old Middle Eastern girl who we were training at our old job that "she looked like Osama Bin Laden.” He ended up talking to HR and claimed it was just a joke.  More recently, we were in a discord call while he was playing a different game than us, and made a comment calling his teammates "autistic.” When asked if that was a bad thing, he said, "not the high functioning autism, the I-can't-wipe-my-own-ass autism.” When I told him that was messed up and he shouldn't say things like that, James continued to double down by saying, "I'm serious, it is so bad." At that point I bowed out of the discord and decided my friendship with James was over. My boyfriend still feels as if James’ comments are jokes and aren’t worth losing a best friend over.  

What has lead me to make this post is his most recent comment to which I will provide some context.  Last March, I was in a major car accident on the highway, me, 2 passenger vehicles, and a semi truck, after the accident I was taken by ambulance to the hospital, I was the only one transported to the hospital, after being transported the police took the statements of the other 3 drivers who all choose to blame me. My boyfriend and James were working together at the time of the accident, and James dropped my boyfriend off at the hospital shortly after the accident. (James lived this trauma with us) Until, I read the police report a few days later I believed I was not responsible for the accident I was sure I had been hit.

Turns out a court of law and insurance eventually found me not at fault for the accident. Though even now being blamed by 3 people makes you question your sanity, and I have been struggling with all sorts of trauma responses since that day. About 2 weeks ago while in a discord, car accidents are brought up and then my car accident by extension, James sarcastically says "I don't know how you got into a car accident, I've never been in one so it must have been operator error" my boyfriend responded with "oh my god that's actually fucked up" to which James responded by doubling down with more jokes about my fault in the accident.  Since this incident my boyfriend and I have had many conversations (some more heated than others) about if we would be assholes for dropping him as our friend after his most recent comment.

The big reason my boyfriend feels like we would be asshole is because he feels we are being morally superior to James. while I look at it as we are getting older, getting ready to start having kids and growing in our professional lives and the people we surround ourselves with matter.

So Reddit... would my boyfriend and I be assholes for dropping James from our lives for good?