I (18F) live in a house with three other girls, and one of them—let’s call her S(21F)—became my closest friend in college. We got along really well, spent a lot of time together, shared things, had long talks, and generally became very close. For a long time, I felt really grateful to have someone like that in my life. I'm not someone who forms deep connections easily, and this was the first time in college I felt like I had a real “everything” friend.

S is the kind of person who’s constantly involved in things—clubs, opportunities, jobs, projects. She’s always sending others things like “Hey, this looks cool—want to apply?” or “Here’s something I think you’d like.” She’s encouraging and proactive, and I do genuinely think she means well. She did this for me too, and I appreciated it—at first.

But I’m not like that. I don’t naturally think to forward things to people. I tend to process opportunities on my own, and often I feel overwhelmed and unsure, especially since I’ve faced a lot of rejections and have a hard time even being transparent about things like applications. That’s not an excuse, but it’s part of why I didn’t always reciprocate in the same way she did. I never meant to withhold anything, I just… don’t operate the same way.

Eventually, it became clear that she was expecting that kind of effort in return, and I hadn’t realized. She told me things like “I’ll stop expecting anything from you,” and while she said it wasn’t meant to be passive-aggressive, it felt hurtful. It felt like she was quietly punishing me for not being the kind of friend she wanted—and it made me panic and feel guilty.

There was one moment where I lied about something: she asked if I had applied for a program, and I said I had, when I hadn’t. I was scared of being rejected again and embarrassed to say I hadn’t done it. I came clean shortly after and explained everything. I’ve apologized. I’ve also tried to own up to other things she brought up—times I didn’t communicate clearly, forgot things, or made the same mistake more than once. I’ve always apologized, and genuinely tried to do better. But I admit I have messed up more than once, and I’ve probably hurt her in ways I didn’t realize at the time.

But over time, this friendship started to feel less like a safe space and more like something I had to constantly manage. I started overthinking everything—what I shared, what I didn’t, how I responded. It felt like I was always disappointing her, and even when she said she didn’t expect anything from me anymore, it still felt like I was failing some invisible standard. It made me anxious and emotionally exhausted.

Even something as simple as "You haven't washed your dishes" would spiral into her saying something along the lines of "Stop accusing me, I wash my dishes all the time, if you see it in the sink all the time its because I wash it when I ready to use it and put it back" I try to patiently explain to her my point but then it ends up with her saying stuff like "It's okay, I am going to buy my own things, that way there is no confusion". For context I moved in before her and already had my cookware and dishes I was willing to share with her. And now she says that ? I'm unsure how she expects me to react. But I have always tried to be the one that let go so I would just say that it's not the point and tell her she doesn't need to buy her own, but maybe I should've just let her do it atp.

And then there was the roommate situation. Earlier this year, I had a falling out with another roommate—let’s call her H(22F). H and I had a fall-out, and she started pulling away from me and isolating me in the house. I felt really hurt and alone, especially in a house of four people where that kind of tension is hard to escape. I told S what was going on, how excluded I felt, and how it was affecting me emotionally.

But then S joined a wellness program with K and the third roommate. Without ever mentioning it to me. I only found out afterward when all three of them were going for them and I asked her what was going on. That crushed me. I couldn’t understand how she could do that, knowing how I was being treated by H. I know for a fact H was using it as a way to isolate me even more in the house and S was helping her ? I know she probably didnt intend to support H in isolating me, but it made me feel like she didn’t actually have my back, like maybe I wasn’t as important to her as she was to me.

I didn’t confront her harshly about it—I just quietly took that as a sign. I decided to take the friendship more lightly from then on. I told myself, “Not everyone is an ‘everything’ friend. That’s okay.” And I tried to emotionally adjust, even though it hurt.

Fast forward a few months: now she and H are locked in their own quiet feud, constantly making sarcastic jabs and subtle digs at each other. Recently, S called me dumb because I didn’t immediately pick up on the sarcasm and support her in a moment of tension. That stung so badly—especially coming from someone who already had chosen to side with H when I was in a similar situation. It felt like she was always expecting me to show up for her, but hadn’t done the same for me.

And this isn’t the first time she’s called me dumb. It’s happened multiple times, and not as a joke—she genuinely meant it when I said something she disagreed with. As a context, we both come from very different part of the world, and we have very different point of view on things in general. But she would always say I am dumb for viewing things the way I do. Those comments linger. They chip away at my self-worth, and I’ve been trying to ignore them everytime because one thing about me is I either love someone with all of their qualities and flaws or I don't. So I decided to overlook her flaws and just appreciate the person she is.

But now, I've reached a point where I can't take it anymore. I wrote her a message explaining how I felt—how tired I was, how judged I felt in the friendship, how I needed space not to be petty, but to protect my peace. I didn’t try to attack her. I just told my truth.

Her response? She said I was twisting her words, projecting, and lying about her. Most importantly, she said that she wasn't responsible for my insecurities or whatever and that I was just constantly accusing her. She said we should talk about it after finals, but made it clear that she didn’t believe what I said. That made me feel like nothing I said mattered. That my pain wasn’t real to her. She brought up the time I lied about that application (which I had already owned and apologized for and told her about why that happened) as a way to dismiss everything I was saying now. She framed me as the problem entirely.

And now I’m stuck wondering… maybe I am the problem? Maybe I’m just a bad friend. I’ve made mistakes. I haven’t lived up to what she hoped for in a friend. I feel guilty, but also… so tired. I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel safe. And I don’t think I can keep giving energy to a relationship that makes me feel this small.

So… AITA for emotionally pulling back, even though I’ve hurt her and haven’t always been the friend she wanted me to be? Am I the bad one for not being able to meet her expectations? Or is it okay to just… be done?