Apologies in advance when this post goes super long.

I 43M and my wife 42F have been married for 12 years and together for 16. We have two active boys, 9 and 6. Baseball , soccer, hockey, birthday parties, play dates, etc

My wife is a full time teacher with July-August summer vacay. I work full-time in the marketing department for a large firm and am back to in-office days 4 days a week with a long public transportation commute into NYC - anyone in this region should know how shitty this commute can be. I also travel for work 3-4 days at a time, maybe once every few months.

Overall, I like to think I am a good partner - mostly because I am willing to face my faults if/when presented. If I agree i am wrong, I don't waste time in trying to fix things. I know I am not perfect and i have learned (mostly in this marriage) that the biggest assholes are the ones who refuse to take the blame, fix things, and do better. I admit you're only getting my story, but please trust that I am being honest and practice what I preach.

I say this because before I got my current job of which I am very proud to have earned after years of bouncing around - I was definitely lacking in the husband department. It had nothing to do with booze, cheating, late night gaming, gambling or other vices. Definitely no violence or poor treatment of my wife - just general aloofness/lack of aid. After college 20 years ago, I was lazy in my career, so when my oldest was born 9 years ago, I put my ambitions into double time to start us on the right financial track. I got a new job at a startup and was busting my ass with early mornings and late nights. Truly, it was all work - no "post-work drinks" ... legitimately just making sure executives saw my ambition. It paid off... One exec liked me and brought me to another place and that led me to essentially a dream job for triple the pay. While this was happening, my wife was juggling all the housework with two babies and her full time job. I certainly helped with feedings, diapers, activities when I was home - I just didn't do it as much as I probably could have.

My wife let me know this really stressed her out and it showed - and I am proud to say that once I realized how tough that was, I stepped up. It was bad right before COVID, but that time at home helped me refocus and be a better partner. Again, I am not fluffing myself and thinking I am the greatest husband, I just know that I was wrong and I am continually working on showing that I can be better. Also she communicated that this burnt her out and really affected how she felt about me - and that stung greatly. So I made it my business to improve.

Fast forward to now - I do all the cleaning in the kitchen (post-meal dishes + kitchen cleaning), I go food shopping and prepare meals for the week (my wife cooks them because I am not a good cook, except for the summer when I barbecue our meals 2-3 times a week) I maintain the outside (lawn, pool, toys), I do all the kids laundry, I get them up and put them to bed every night, I do showers/baths, I put their lunches together. I drive to every practice, including the ones I am not a coach with. When we're home I'm always having a catch or playing video games with the kids while my wife maybe watches a show or reads. I walk our dog when we're home in all weather, we have an older cat and i am always cleaning the litter box. Anything in the house non-plumbing or major electrical-related I will work on and fix. I did this when I was WFH, then hybrid, now 4 days a week soon to be full time back in the office, year round.

I am definitely 25 lbs overweight and should exercise, but I don't drink heavily, gamble or play video games nearly as much as I did 20 years ago. I play games alone maybe once every 3 months (the PS5 and Xbox are commandeered by the kids and I play FIFA with my son and thats really it). We share the same interests and will enjoy the same shows or activities, which is nice. Our sex life is non existent - maybe once every 3 months and she's usually drunk. I know I am overweight and to be honest have an average to below average sized dick, but I am not obese (5'8 200 lbs) and am open about wanting to do whatever she wants (outside of threesomes) to enjoy sex. And I could be wrong, but she and other women in my past have seemed to enjoy sex with me - so it can't be that tiny. She also is the physical equivalent to me - definitely could lose some weight/belly fat, but I have NEVER once hinted at that. In fact, i love her body and tell her frequently. I don't say why because that would be misconstrued - but I love a natural look. I don't mind flab or hair or stretch marks. I hate fake porn star or OF model vibes. But she has to be drunk for us to have sex, and it's frustratingly infrequent.

My wife will of course do things like set up play dates, school related things, doctors' appointments, also clean the house. She cooks 3-4 days a week. She'll do outside gardening or landscaping. She'll clean (occasionally - but you could say the same for me).

But lately we have been having the same fight over and over again and I am starting to see separation as the only option - but I am fighting this because I am deathly afraid of losing my sons and watching some man come in and be their dad when I know I am not a bad dad or terrible husband (again, I won't say I am the best at either, but I know I am not the worst)

So here's where we get to the meat of the problem -

My wife does not take any negative criticism of her lightly and never accepts blame. For example, one time after I was laid off from my previous employer and scared and depressed, we got into a "who does what fight" and told me "you need to act like a man." To which I responded "Just because you fucked a ton of men doesn't mean you know what it takes to be one." Full disclosure - she was quite promiscuous in her youth and was at some point a pay for play connection on Craigslist before we dated. She doesn't know I know that (immature behavior years ago on both sides with each of us going through each other's emails. I stopped well before we got engaged and yes, I ATH for going that far and wrote her a handwritten letter apologizing for what I said. No, she did not apologize to me for saying what I've communicated was the equivalent nuke of hurtful comments to me).

Like I said she does a ton with school stuff, activities, doctor appointments - but if I ever confront her about things that frustrate me - it turns into a pissing contest as to who does what and it goes nowhere. I ALWAYS confront calmly first, and then admittedly when she scoffs I get mad and show it. I do not want my sons to think anyone, a partner or otherwise, can treat them like shit and make them feel they're worthless - and I believe my wife does that far too often. We SEEM to get along otherwise, but it's like walking on thawing ice most of the time. If we're getting along and not fighting, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would say it's more 60% things are good, 40% fighting these days.

Also, my wife drinks ALOT. We have 2 large handles of vodka in the house and they are gone within a week. I maybe pour the equivalent of 10 shots a week AFTER the kids go to bed (one drink a night for me, which according to Google, one handle of vodka contains 39 shots). She blows through the rest. At least 3-4 days a week, obviously including work days, she is shit faced. She's fine with the kids and I wouldn't be wasting my time on Reddit if she was a violent mom, but inevitably we will fight and it's obvious when she's slurring her words, rambling, or lazy-eyed. This is combined with her "work calls". She will be on the phone 3-5 hours after work and not once pay attention to the kids. Fine, the kids are playing or online with their friends or watching YouTube. But frequently at 8:00 on a school night, they neither have had dinner or baths/showers, unless I do it. Again I am fine doing it because it's part of my role as a parent, but I do not believe these "work calls" are valid excuses. She just sits on the phone and 10% goes to planning her work, 90% is gossip/shit talking - and it's 99% her speaking so I know what the convos are about. If I am picking up my 9 year old at practice and getting home at 8:00, i come home to find my 6 year old on YouTube and asking me "did you get dinner" while I can hear my wife on the phone. I've told her repeatedly - i don't expect you with an apron on making a 6 course meal, but you can't have dinner prepared for the kids at least? Why is it a battle to get my wife to "make dinner for my children" instead of being on "work calls". That can't misogynistic, can it? Shit - if she is out with her book club or at a school function, I don't act like I am "doing EVERYTHING" when it comes time to provide dinner for my children.

Last night this exact thing happened, and her excuse was "I texted you what did you want to do for dinner". I was busy coaching with my phone in my bag and a baseball glove covering my watch, so my response was, "you couldn't just order something?" - and that turned into the pissing contest of who does what and why she's a full time teacher and "can't do it all". To which I responded "your 6 year old hasn't dinner and it's 8:00. You care more about being drunk and gossiping on the phone."

So AITA for calling my wife out on things i think she is doing poorly? AITA for "expecting her to do more?" She claims I want a 1950's stay at home mom, and I have repeatedly said no, and I don't expect her to be like that. I just communicate when things frustrate me and she can never remove herself from the issue and see both sides - she is never wrong, and I can never be right it seems.

We tried marriage counseling a couple of years ago for "problems with my mother" (I agreed with like 20% of her issue so I said fuck it - I will take her side for the good of our marriage and confronted my mother). At the time she claimed "we'd deal with my issues after' and then conveniently was like "I don't think we need marriage counseling anymore!" once she was satisfied that I confronted my mother. I guess my issues don't matter?

Again, sorry for the long post - and if I come off as smug and someone who thinks he's infallible - I do not think that. I genuinely want my marriage to work and don't want to be away from my sons - so if I am the asshole then I will work on it. When I think about - I DO want my marriage to work for my relationship, not just because of my sons. But i can't safely say that outweighs me being away from my kids.

I don't know what else to do - maybe counseling again, but I don't see it as a viable option because my viewpoint always seems to be secondary.

TLDR - My wife does things that frustrate me and I communicate that, but AITA for feeling that way? Sorry for the wall of text!

EDIT: One important note - whenever we do fight, it either dies down and goes away, or I try and reconcile. She never tries to calmly squash things or show affection/remorse. Come to thing of it, when things are good she rarely shows affection anyway.

Also she has discussed never having time to herself, which I dispute because I am always with the kids from 6:30 when I get home until the end of the evening. She is usually watching o a show or reading, which I am fine with. She has run marathons in the past and during her lengthy training, would complain that I would give her shit for it. I would clearly state "I don't care that you are off running for 4 hours on a Saturday. i only cared that you got up at 11:00 AM to do so while I was up at 7 with this kids. You can't get up earlier?". That fell on deaf ears and I was blamed for "making her accomplishment a terrible experience."