I am a 30 year old male with autism. And have only had 2 major “friends” my whole life. Rick, who I cut out a few years ago after his family verbally attacked me for 5 hours and he only sat there posting funny gifs to “lighten the mood” and then refused to “leave his family” to talk to me in his driveway after, but that's another story. This one is about a fight with my oldest “friend” Ethan that happened recently.

Backstory (some things may be slightly out of order due to trauma blocking)

My friendship with Ethan started when I randomly called him to hang out one day when we were kids around age 5-6 he is 2 years older than me and lived up the street from me. He was kind of a “popular” kid while I was the school outcast that got bullied a lot by not only the students but the teachers too (I’ve had staff and students from this school point it out to me years later)

We hung out and became fast friends but his “popular” status had me jumping behind snowbanks to hide if anyone from school came near lest he be seen with me. Slowly that came to an end (probably because people had figured out we were friends). He started inviting me to hang out with his other friends over time and we all hung out a lot. We would have sleepovers and I would always give up my bed for my guests. When I slept at his house I would get a thin mattress topper on either the floor or the top bunk that had no mattress. 

Every year for April fools he would do the same “joke” saying that he was moving cities to his moms and watch me freak out because I was losing my only friend. Some years later I became friends with another kid, Rick, but they refused to hang out with me together because they didn't like each other and any time I hung out with one the other would get upset a bit. 

I would do my best to split my time fairly and things went good for years until they eventually were okay with hanging out together. By this time we are in our teens in highschool around. Eathan had an abusive relationship with a girl and every day at 8pm he had to go log onto MSM messenger to talk to her alone and couldn't hang out on those days (always on weekends) and any time she was in town.she broke up with him once and every one of his friends jumped into “Saving private Ethan” and was there supporting him in his darkest hour. They got back together and he moved in with her hours away in another city and a while later she broke up with him again while he was in town visiting. She then stole his email and all accounts linked to it and his MTG card set he had left there with other things like clothes. 

Ethan had a relationship or two that didn't last long after that and ended up back at his dads hanging in the basement with Rick exclusively playing League Of Legends, Rick would skip school so Ethan wasn't alone and after school they would refuse to do anything but play LOL.

Ethan went to college. There he became the classic drunk druggie college student. I was still in highschool (taking extra spares to not stress myself) so was Rick. Ethan came home with all the guys from the friend group and started hanging out exclusively in a shed smoking pot. I would hang out but never partook until my mom gave me some to help with a stomach problem I was having, after that I would join in every now and then. The conversations though were on topics of harder drugs and Ethans “research” into how drugs are okay for you by googling in a way that only fed him positive information. 

At this point Rick had invited a girl (Alice) we had started hanging out with who had a bad home life to move in with him and his mom. Alice is about 2 years younger than me and Rick.

After hanging out a bit Ethan tried to get with Alice and they did. Ethan then moved himself into Ricks house. We spent a lot of time there and Ethan would randomly get up and pull Alice into the next room over and have loud sex. He did it to rub it in mine and Ricks face as we had both feeling for her before Ethan came back but we had silently agreed to not try for her out of respect for eachother. Rick even took it as far as to call her his sister.

One time Ethan,Alice,me and another friend from the group went to visit Ethans moms. She lived near some rocky terrain and we went for a hike behind her house, I bought my camera and we had a bag or two of water and snacks. We got as far as we could go before hitting a body of water that we couldn't get around so we headed back. After climbing back up a rocky ledge our other friend couldn't find his phone so me and him went back to find it. We left the bags and the other two on a flat open area we rested at. 10 minutes later we came back and Ethan had moved my camera bag and the other bags next to a rock cairn that was there. Only a used condom now hangs from it right next to my bag. We hiked back with Ethan feeling proud of himself or something. 

Things between Ethan and Alice started to turn sour more and more as she just felt like he was using her and eventually they broke up and he admitted to me that he was only with her for the sex so he wouldn't feel depressed. It was messy and Ethan and Rick no longer were friends. 

All this time I have made it so clear that I am depressed and suffering myself but Ethan and Ricks feelings always came first. Ethan slowly cleaned up one substance at a time,he's been drug free for years as far as I know and recently stopped drinking as well, has slowly stopped hanging out with me more and more as well despite the fact that we became family years before (my aunt and his dad got together). 

He has come to town for a few of his other friends' parties but I've only seen him maybe once and that was to walk him home after the party in the rain because his GF left early. Any other time I've seen him is when I visit my aunt and his dad needs his help for something, but then it's all working on that and chatting with his dad. Who he lives near, I'm hours away. The only other contact is when we type in the same google doc working on a game we wanted to make. That leads up to now. 

A note. We use to bounce ideas off of eachother but now he lives and works off of AI’s help

I was cleaning my room (something I'm always fighting with) and got some (videogame) maps into a frame on the wall and decided to send a photo to some friends, Ethan being one of them.

Here's the conversation. 

Me: *Sends photo of maps*

Ethan: very cutsie

very demure

Me: finally got the maps on the wall

Sorry ive not worked on the doc ive been trying to make room for baby 

(my brother is having a baby so “grandma” needs room for baby things when they visit us)

We chat a bit me explaining that I'm cleaning up to get thing out of another room 

Me: man I need you to visit, help me clean up like you use to ;P 

Ethan: yeah wait

Thats a very nice corner ME

Now show me the rest

Me: what do you mean?

Don’t look

Noooooo

Wanna video call? Or ya busy

Ethan: busy my boy

*sends screenshot of 15 lines of code*

Send the nudes

Me: :c you only want me for my body

Ethan: SHOW ME THE REST OF THE ROOM

Or

Ill destroy something

Hmm

Me: *sends pictures of messy room with unfolded clothes and messy bed*

Ethan: goodness me..

Is there even a heaven above!

Now

Do you even use that chair 

Me: what one theres 3 XD

Ethan: *sends zoom in on one of the chairs*

Me: Yes i alternate

I’m about to put that one back on its base actually 

Ethan: ouu fancy

Wait what does the other room look like 

Me: *sends pictures of the rest of my apartment* 

(There are piles of stuff everywhere that I’m sorting into bins from old toys for the kid that's on the way legos est. to craft materials I've gathered like pleather and other fabric to nice slabs of wood for wood burning est. just a real mess I've been working on cleaning)

Ethan: its just a closet now 

Me: A big storage room with a few benches to work on things if need be 

Find the cat in there

Ethan: *screenshot of the cat*

Not going to lie

Didnt see her first time around 

Me: (old cats name) had the same spot <3 thats why i put his tree there

All the stuff on the floor is piles I need to finish sorting and getting boxes to fit things 

I just can't find the motivation the last few days

Ethan: ill help

Here

Put this on in the background for motivation 

Me: ?

Ethan: *sends link to “shia Labwouf Just Do It Motivational Speech”

Me: Shit

Ethan: trust it'll work

Me: my room is already clean now 

Ethan: you’ll finish if you have that on in the background

Me: I dont get motivated by that shit though 

Ethan: how about this ill show you a beatiful song, if 

You promise to clean to it 

Its an actual beautiful song 

Not a joke

Me: I need to find it within myself

Ethan: just do it for like another

5: 35

Length of the song

Me: I mean ill listen to it but i’m just so meh XD

Ethan: i cant show it to you 

Unless you promise to clean to it 

Me: Nothings going to get done, I’m just defeated really. I’m a husk lately

Ethan: Maintaining a clean living space is often linked to success because it fosters a sense of

order, discipline, and mental clarity. A tidy environment can reduce stress and increase 

focus, enabling individuals to be more productive and goal-oriented.

Start with your room

Ever little bit helps

Push yourself

Me: I need help to deal with shit and there’s only so much people can do for me these days. 

Just feel isolated man

{note: start of end snapshot near end}

Ethan: no one can help you, people can be there for you, but no one can change how you feel, 

but you

Me: People can be there for me but they arnt most of the time

And there are fewer and fewer people there for me at all

Ethan: who stopped being there for you? I didnt, im still here, im just not around as much, 

(names my cousin, his sister) is there for you, (names her best friend),(names her bf), 

your mom. You have a pretty extensive network man, some people literally have no one

Me: Your avaliable when your not working/learning, (my cousin) the same but is more 

random because you toss in her BFs work, (cousins boyfriend’s) always at work or spending time 

At home with (my cousin). Moms working and taking  courses for work and has like 2 days 

off 

a week where she is stuck learning shit. I don't have much of a network anymore man, 

especially after the shit with Rick 

{end of first snapshot near end of story start of second}

Ethan: but thats just life, were all doing out own things, doesnt mean were not there for you 

Me: I still feel forgotten a lot

Ethan: youve been in a rut for years, us sitting down and spending more time with you, wont 

change that, will it?

Me: I don’t think you realize how much of my day is spent alone.

Despite all these people who are here for me 

My weeks are spent waiting for these tiny windows into everyone else’s life, I dont feel I        

have a life of my own

Ethan: you go make a life though

Sitting around waiting for people to come spend time with you

{end of second screenshot from end of story}

Me: and I try to build a life like everyone else but it all crumbles as I build it , I cant keep up

Ethan: isnt a way to live 

Me: it isnt 

Ethan: its hard, but dont give up 

Gotta get out there, try new things, cant just sit there doing the samethings day in day 

out

Me: And that's all people can say to me. "Don't give up" "you gotta get out there"  but no one 

can help explaine how. I'm so lost and no one takes the time to guide me in the right 

direction, it's all just "you gotta figure it out for yourself " but I can't, I've been trying for years and I just can't...people think I'm not trying but they just don't have the time to watch me try 

Ethan: I'm so lost and no one takes the time to guide me in the right direction < that right there, 

youve been saying things like that for so long, and no one can give you what you need? dont you think thats because no one can, you have to find your own path, no one can hold your hand, its your life, you get to choose what you do with it, no one else, wether you want them to or not

Me: I grew up being lead by the hand for everything, being told what to do, how to do it  and 

when to do it. I turn 18 and everyone walked away. I wasn't taught how to live or think for myself I was taught to follow schedules and orders. Well no one has given me any in years and no one taught me how to live for myself. So here I am broken and useless

Ethan: yeah youre right. that is what happened. but thats not what has to keep happening. esp 

because no one can tell you what to do anymore, adulthood is freaky, and def harder for you, but not impossible

Something has to change (my name)

You have to make that change

And only you know what that change can be

Me: I need someone in my daily life. Everyone has someone else that they talk to daily. 

Someone there with them. I've been left on my own  for far to long. There's no constant. There's no order, everything is by the winds blow

Ethan: then theres the change you need, your lonely, the only reasonable option is you putting 

yourself out there

Me: Back to this (quoting “And that's all people can say to me. "Don't give up"”from 6 

exchanges ago) 

Ethan: no one can hold your hand with this

You have to get out there

Me: I’m not asking for someone to hold my hand just be there

Ethan: in what way

Amd for what

To meet people?

Me: Who was with you when you met (his GF)? Just around even? How did (my brother) 

meet 

(his GF) (my cousin) meet (her BF) My mom meet my dad {it was a blind date to fill you all in}

They all had others around, no one truly meets people alone

We are social animals 

Ethan: true

Me: is one gets isolated out of the pack it’s not easy to find a new one

Ive been isolated

Its hard to learn to be social when you cant practice with the popel I already know

Ethan: people meet online now, i dont know about (my cousin), but i dont so to alot of social 

gathering where theres single women

(quoting “its hard to learn to me social when you cant practice)

Thats true

But thats not the only way

Why not do what (my brother) did and download a talking app, just to converse witth 

people

Like my coding, (his friend) helping me but he cant be there for all of it, or even when I 

ask for help all the time, i have to figure stuff out for myself, and hone my skills

Me: I want human contact, im sick of looking at a screen where people can just walk away 

and not come back for hours, I want to be with people not tech

Ethan: yeah

Me: (quoting like my coding, (his freind) heling me but cant be there for all)

But he’s there to help you over the humps 

Ethan: thats no way to live 

Yeah, and we will too, but you still have to practice everyday

For the thing you want

He’ll always help, but he cant steer the vechilcle has to be a choice i make everyday

Me: Again I can’t practice with nothing to practice on. I’m not jumping on some app talking to 

people I dont know cant see and don’t trust to stick

Ethan: why

You only hurting yourself 

Like i said no ones going to hold your hand 

You need to hgone your skills

And unless you have a better way 

Its not up to the people who love you to make social situations happen

Me: you just dont get it man

Eveyone thinks I’m looking to be guided around

Ethan: (my name) no one’s going to do it for you 

If not that what are you saying?

You're saying you want people to go with you to social events, and help you interact. 

These events for people our age don't happen that often, so to honest your skills why not 

talk to someone online. You say you don't want them to come in and leave out of no where. Yet people in real life can do that, and the people that love you could leave this earth. It's just a fact of life that some people come and go, that can't be the thing that holds you back

Me: I don't want to be alone when I do shit, yall met people while doing things as a group, it a 

group setting. I'm expected as a already socially awkward person who has now been 

deprived of social setting for years to just be social on my own.

Like really try living my life and tell me it's easy to just do

Ethan: Dude it's unfair, like it really is

But you have too, you have to be the one to do it, and if we're able to help we will

Me: I dare you to live a month where you only get to talk to people when they come to you

Live my life 23 hours alone a day

Ethan: Why would you want me to feel that?

Me: Because then you wouldn't say oh just put yourself out there

You would actually try to help me

Actions are stronger than words and your not seeing the actions I take to try to better my life

And all I get from anyone Is empty words

Ethan: Dude actions are stronger then words. So start making actions and stop talking about it

Me: . (quoting “Actions are stronger than words and your not seeing the actions I take to try 

to better my life”)

Ethan: (my name) it’s no one’s responsibility but yours no matter if they love you or not

Me: Your thinking I'm just sat here doing nothing but I'm not I'm trying my damndest to get my 

self out but it's quicksand man

I need someone to toss me a rope

Not only that but help pull me out

There are a lot of ropes here but I can't pull my self out alone

Again we are social animals

Do some research on isolation, what it really does to a human

\*sends link to isolation and mental health video\*

Ethan: (quoting “ I need someone to toss me a rope”)

You have to help yourself. Stop looking to other people to tell how to live and fix your life. 

It;s not going to happen. It hasn’t happened in years so why would it happen now? Something has to change and it doesn't have to do with the people around

Me: *sends link to a video about the impacts of social isolation and loneliness*

{NOTE:nothing to do with prisons btw}

Ethan: Yes it's horrible. But your in a prison, a prison you can walk out of. 

Me: Did you pay attention to that video?

Ethan: I can. But I don't really need to, I've read about the effects of solitary confinement on 

prisoners 

{NOTE: again the video had nothing to do with prison and was a whopping 1:30}

Me: Yes but now research what it does to non prisoner

Really watch and listen to that last video I sent

"Social media can be a great  tool to to find like-minded people but if it's not creating real connections it can contribute to those feelings of loneliness and isolation"

Ethan: It said social media is a great way at meeting like minded people "but if it's not building 

real connections it could make it worse" but it's better then the alternative, no? Which is doing nothing. Because they did say "IF"

Me: Dude again you think I'm not trying here

You think I just sit here all day every day doing shot all don't you

Ethan: So you have been talking to new people, and trying new experiences?

Me: As much as I can as a solo player in (my small town)

Ethan: I don't know what you do all day, do you think it just sit here and assume that?

I'm trying to help by saying things you could do

And instead of you saying yeah I tried that

You're making excuses of why you can't or shouldn't

So wtf am I supposed to thinkM

Me: No I think your busy with important things and don't have time for and old friend anymore

Ethan: I had time for the last whatever amount of hours 

You make it seem like I ignore or avoid you

I'm doing my own thing

Living my own loge

Life

Fighting my own fights

Me: Only after I started dumping on you did you make time…

\*sends screenshot of start of convo\*

{NOTE: it is 9:35 pm and it was 7:43pm when he sent the image of his code saying hes to busy to video call}

Me: We never talk unless it's to do with a project then it's all work and no play. We started a 

game together again and you just stop playing everything but conk for the wars and shit

Ethan: Yeah I did, (my name) I'm growing and changing man, I don't know what you want me to 

say, I thought you'd be happy that I'm trying to better myself

Me: I am don't get me wrong

But I'm still stuck in the mud

Watching everyone get further away

Ethan: And I'll always make time for you, especially when it comes to important stuff, but 

baseline man I don't want to game. You struggle with you autism, I've been struggling with my adhd, I'm trying to avoid dopamine fixes

{NOTE: a few weeks later I see him and his GF playing R.E.P.O. that they picked up new}

Me:   Any time I can help someone I can. But when it comes to me getting  help I only get 

words of encouragement

I don't want words man I want action

Ethan: Tell me what to do then

Me:     When was the last time you came to town man? Like I think you came years ago for a 

party and I didn't even see you

Any time I go there and try to meet up with you your busy

Unless it was at your dad's but then your spending all your time with your dad and then you were always to drunk for me to have a good convo with, it wasn't you I was talking to

Ethan: It's been a long time, and yeah. When I saw you in the summer I didn't drink

Me: No but it was all helping your dad with the pad, you didn't even spend the night

Ethan: Why would I have to spend the night

Me:      Not would, could

To spend time with a friend while not doing work

Ethan: Lol dude I like keep busying

I always have, just in different ways

Use to be gaming

Me:   I guess there's just not much left for "us"...and there's nothing left of Rick... (My cousin) 

makes maybe an hour or two for me every few days... (cosins BFF) the same... I really 

don't have any friends anymore that I share anything with…

I'm really just on my own.....

God.....

{Note: My brian shut down here}

Ethan: Where always here though. Even if we're not spending time with you

Me: Okay. I’m just going to go lay down now. Have a good night.

{Note I turned off my computer here}

Ethan: (My name) I'm always going to be there. I love you, you mean a great deal to me. I'm 

sorry our relationship isn't the same as it was, but doesn't mean it's not great. I'm just 

different. I'll make more of an effort to reach out, and I'm sorry I haven't.

{Note: he messaged me on another platform we more commonly use on our phone here}

 Ethan: Dude I feel sick to my stomach, that you feel abandoned. I'm not abandoning you, I'm   

just changing. But there has to be something we can do together

{Note: I just layed in bed for about an hour processing it all}

Me: Your right. Your not abandoning me, you did that years ago. I've just been a guy to 

bounce ideas off of and do googleing for you. If you can think of something we can do -together- 

then shoot because all my ideas have been trashed  long ago.. I've just been a tool

{the next day 7:22am}

Ethan: I stopped playing types of games and now I've pretty much stopped playing games 

altogether. You see it as abandoning you, but to me it's growth. I don't want to be honed on a single game for hours watching time fly by anymore.

Me: You left me long before you stopped playing games...never messaging me, never 

checking in or stopping by when your in town. Hell I bet there have been times you've come and I didn't even know you were in town... you like avoided me for years only talking to me when you needed help with something...it hurt man...yes there's growth but you didn't grow, you just changed and left all of your past behind...made new friends and left you old ones behind. Found something new to hyper focus on instead of looking for ballance. It's all in or nothing at all with you and it always has been...we always played what you wanted to and left the games I loved behind because you got board...now your just done completely...cold turkey...except when your new friends want you do go out or something your there. You stopped caring for me a long time ago...if we weren't family I'm sure you would have cut me off completely…

You've always thought everything you did was the best way it could be done, you do all this research on something just to prove that it's fine or healthy and say it's the best way when really your just google till you feel justified. When we were kids it was follow your word, you were the leader. You set the rules. Don't be seen together by your classmates. We got past that but I always stayed on the bottom of the ladder. You locked into LOL and sucked my only other friend down into that pit of hell and didn't leave the basement even for a walk unless the servers went down or you ran out of food. Leaving me on my own. You game or nothing. Then you go to collage and turn into a huge druggie justifying the drugs you took with biased google searches. Again leaving me behind and doing as you pleased. Then for years now it's just been raido silence with sporadic calls for help and maybe a new game. But now it's just going to be calls for help isn't it.

I’ve just been a handy tool bag for you…an accessory 

You call me a friend but you’ve never treated me the same as your other friends…

Ethan: Your so stuck in the past. I'm not that person anymore and I'm tired of you bringing it up, 

you're right about alot of the stuff you said about there but what about you? Always 

blaming other people, saying you can't do specific things without someone, making it 

there problem and not yours? Why would it be your issue when you told people that you 

couldn't do it by yourself. You never believed in yourself and you continue to do so. I 

played Minecraft, overwatch, sea of thieves for years so I'm really sick of hearing you 

say we always did what I wanted. Everything you say might be true to you and how you 

see it, but know my reality and yours are completely different on alot of those aspects.

{Note we played those games only when he wanted to, otherwise we played his games}

Me: I never Believed in myself because growing up anytime I did someone told me I was 

wrong and needed to change

I've been forced to be someone else my whole life never could I be myself without 

someone making my life their problem now that I want people's help to change y'all want nothing to do with what you helped shape

I never wanted to change who I was but I did for the people around me. I guess that was a mistake because no one has had my back the way I had theirs for years

YOU  forced me to change “for the better”  so many times let alone all the others who 

did it to me. I've always had to be the one to change to fit others needs, no one can do 

the same for me though 

Me:

I've always been wrong. Everything i do is wrong. Nothing I do is the right thing to do, but  

everyone else does things perfectly in their eyes. Give yourself some perspective. Really 

put yourself in my shoes. What would you have done in all the places I'm "wrong"? 

What would you have done? 

Would you have been able to give up parts of yourself every time your "friends" wronged 

you? 

Could you give up part of yourself so that  your depressed friends can have a moment of 

happiness like I have? 

Can you just sit there only listening to people talk because no one cares what you have 

to say?

Ethan: All this is you shifting the blame on to me like you always  do; you take no accountability 

and just blame everyone around you. I can't believe how people enable you anymore. Look in the mirror and for the first time stop trying to look for a way to blame someone else

Me: I don't  see why you think I'm always blaming others man I voice how I feel and get shit 

on for it every time, you say you support me but you only put me down man

Ethan: dude are you reading what you're writing

  all you're doing is blaming me and say I want you to feel the way I do

who says shit like that

what friends says that type of shit

Me: one who hasn't felt like your friend for years man that's what I'm saying

 I'm voicing how I feel and how I've been hurt and your response is to blame me for my 

depression

that's not support, that's just not. you never like it when people tell you how to live but  all 

you do is try to tell me how to live

  it's always been that way

  if you take that as an attack it's because you feel guilty

  I tell you how I'm hurt and you lash out saying it's all my fault I could get shot by 

someone else and you would find a way to make it my fault

Ethan: Dude read what you're writing, you're literally blaming me for your misgivings. Yeah 

you're saying your hurt but then saying how everything I've ever done hurt you, and it's my fault the way you turned out. Take some accountability. It's your life yet you try a blame anyone but yourself for the situation your in

Me: You're right, it's my fault for enabling you all those years.

 letting you be the boss in my life

 I Looked to You for guidance

 so it's my fault, for blindly following you and Rick

 putting your happiness first all these years

 I should have just been looking out for myself

Ethan: There you go keep living in the past, blaming everyone for your choices and continuing 

to change nothing

  and fuck that, all this shit is just words or you would have said this back then

  keep blaming

Me: bro I have put you first until now man

Ethan: just words

you can say anything you want

and try to make it the truth

take some accountability

Me:  you maybe think I'm stuck in the past because nobody wants to help me heal from the 

wounds they gave me,  they all expect me to just forgive and forget

would you be who you are if (his abusive ex) Wasn't a bitch? or that other girl cheat on 

you? If (friend who wronged him) Didn't stab you in the back? no they all shaped who you are today

just like Alice was shaped by you 

just like Rick was shaped by you 

we all shape each other

and you refuse to own up to the part you played in shaping me, yeah it's on me to fix man I know that

all I'm asking for is some company while I do that but no one has time and it's on me to find new people who don't matter to me at all who have time to help me heal

you  always put you first and I always put you first till now

just being a kind generous human doesn't pay off these days

everyone for themselves

hey I can be your friend you don't need human contact at all

live in a box and work

all work no play

you think you got to keep busy because if you don't you'll actually start to think about your past? you never look back

you toss it all away like it meant nothing to you

I've watched you do it time and time again

when you fuck up too bad you cut that part of you out of your life so you don't have to look at it

makes you feel real big eh? always had to be on top

top dog Ethan over here

fuck man look at you fucking nickname on here

14 years you've been Khal  Ethan

You were mi Lord before that

don't say I didn't put you first

you were depressed piece of sad shit when (his abusive ex) broke up with you and so many of your friends came together to support you we called it Saving Private Ethan

Rick went into the hospital and they all wrote him personal letters

I've been depressed as shit and all people can say is you got this or it's your fault

how about a fucking hug

how about some spending some time with me to help me back get back on my feet

no just blame me for being where I am after being the butt of everyone's walking stick for 20+ years

it's my fault and it's up to me to fix it now's wow such Clarity thanks man

that's really support right there thanks

you're telling me to read what I wrote but in reality we both should be but I'll probably be the only one seeing where you're being rude as fuck and we will both see where I'm being a total shit fuck because you can do no wrong

Ethan: (quoting back to the start of my rant)

Yeah and do you see me fucking crying about it. no I fucking grew up and moved on. you fucking narcissist.  I didn't force you to do shit. I'm not going to fucking apologize for the past so figure it out yourself. actually I have apologized for the past and Like fucking Clockwork here you are again blaming me for your fuck ups and attitude towards life. you keep making all this excuses nothing will change if you do, that's 100% guarantee

Me:

 I bet you vented about all this to your girlfriend or will I don't get that outlet I don't have anyone to vent to because if I do people take personal offense to it and I'm call me an asshole and say I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. 

my feelings are Justified 

I no longer care what you have to say on this topic you clearly don't want to help me and you certainly don't care about my mental health

Ethan: You can't treat someone how you just treated me and expect sympathy. that's actually 

crazy

Me: You can't treat someone the way you did and not expect hostility, you  don't blame a 

  depressed person for their depression that's just fucked

I Turn to You for support not sympathy and you returned it with confrontation

Ethan: You're blind. you can't go around shitting on people and be like I don't know why they 

don't want to help me. it's delusional, you just keep forcing people away then blame it on them good Strat

Me: *sent snapshot of convo*

{I marked the parts that I screenshot back to him}

This here. I'm just venting saying how I basically feeling unsupported and you made it 

about you

basically telling me I shouldn't feel that way. but the thing is I do and words won't 

change that 

This is where it started to go downhill 

{second screenshot i mentioned earlier}

*send another screenshot*

Yes spending more  time together would help. I'm socially deprived, and instead of making time for me your answer is for me to just make new friends and get out there

I was in a rut for years yes but leaving me in that right by myself isn't going to make it all better

you get to spend every day with a beautiful lady and talk and share everyday, I don't. Everyone else paired up and left me alone, yes Ethan I know I need to put in the work but I need support for when I trip 

*sends link to naruto shippuden opening 8*

33 seconds to 1:08 

That, thats is what im asking for 

*sends link to bob the builder theme song*

I am not asking anyone to be Bob

Ethan: are you trying to day you naruto or bob the builder?

Me: I want to be supported by my friends like he is when he's  sinking

he's struggling, and his friends help push him to the surface so he can refocus and get 

back into it

Ethan: and how Do you want to be supported that will help you do that. that's different from how 

you're being supported at the moment?

Me: Currently the crippling isolation from social situations is whats getting to me.

Yes I need to put myself out there but you don't put a broken teapot on a shelf and try to sell it.

All my contact with anyone is done though a screen and words flashing at you don't really feel meaningful anymore. 

I know you can't just come visit whenever or anything but being there when I do start sinking bad would be helpful. 

The past 2 days now I've been defeated. Just lost. I feel I don't know you anymore and it's like I've lost the only friend I had left from before. 

We use to talk all the time and play shit and do shit but now all we ever do is sit mostly quietly and work on Google docs. 

I know your growing and changing for the better but each time you change you seem to forget 

about me more and more to the point I feel like you just avoid spending time with me.

Ethan: For the tea pot analogy, you do if it's from the Han dynasty. All jokes aside. I've been 

reducing the games I play for myself, like I said I don't want to be trapped in a dopamine sink like video games are for me. I want to make something of my life and playing games isn't aligning for me. You weaponized the fact that I reach out to talk to toy about my or your game, saying I'm using you. When it was a way for me to reach out on something we both have a interest in. But you made me feel bad even for doing that. So I don't know man, I really dont

{reminder that a few weeks after this i see that him and his gf have picked up a new game and played perfectly fine}

Me: You keep thinking my feelings are a weapon. That's what's causing conflict here. I'm just 

voicing how I feel. 

And yes, making games has always been fun, but lately, it's all that we have, and it's a lot of just thinking silently to ourselfs and then you do all the work and the work I do gets rewiten and then delete off the face of the doc. I don't feel like I'm really contributing anymore.

Evey year that passes you drop another thing we have in common to grow but you don't involve me in any of the new things because they are all things you need to do in person or in a text doc. Half the time we arnt even in a call anymore

Ethan: I'm growing up and growing out of things, and you did make me feel bad, you 

literally said I use you for this stuff. Sure feelings aren't weapons in themselves but how you express definitely are? dude you said shit that people would cut you out of there life for or try to fight you, yet you can't even see that how you treated me isn't ok? Because it's how you feel. You can't choose how you feel, but you choose the worst possible way to express that your lonely and need more connection. Instead of communicating that to me you attacked me, and don't see a problem in that?

Me: Please for me go back and re read this whole thing. Start on discord and follow to here. 

Using what you understand now and see when I flipped the switch, really read it and try to put yourself in my shoes. Try to understand where I'm coming from, were I am mentally. Just try to view it through my eyes

Ethan: Why would it do that? Dude are you rereading what you said? I don't care if you flipped, 

you can't treat people like that. And it blows my mind that even after all this you're trying to put it on me to see it through your eyes before you even apologize. Like why would i ever do that, you just handed out the biggest disrespect and then your just going to say see it through my eyes. I just cant

Me: Your the one in the wrong man,  you don't know how to support a friend at all and you 

just tear into them, you refuse to look back at your own actions, there's plenty you did to me thought the years that I could have justifiably cut you out of my life for but I forgave you because you were important to me. I've been wronged time and time again and am expected to react with a level head. I wrong someone and they get to make me out to be a devil. Your blind to your own wrongdoings.

Ethan: No dude there's something seriously wrong with you. I get your hurting but the level of 

narcissism you uphold to these days is wild. I dare you show anyone this conversation, th3y can be 100% bias towards you and they would be like wtf (My Name)?

You crossed so many lines, and you just continue to blame, make excuses and take zero accountability. How did you go through life and end up like this

Me: *sends uno reverse card gif.*

We haven't talked since

He says he apologized for his wrong doings but all he did was say the words “im sorry for X”

And the one time with Alice he said “I only did it because I was depressed, you can bang her if you want”. he never actually proved he was sorry.

So there we go, I know its a long read but I really hope that someone will help Me/Us see whos the asshole here.