Let me start by saying I had feelings of being the asshole, but had fully convinced myself I wasn't until I shared my feelings with my partner... Apologies in advance for the long post. 😩

About 6 months ago I met a person on a dating app. We met in person and clicked. Went on two dates before they asked me if they could crash on my couch for a few weeks as they were living in a toxic situation with their ex and needed a place to stay in the interim.

They stayed for about a month, then had to leave because I had already promised a family member my spare room for the holidays. A few weeks later I asked them to house sit for a few days and then they just... Never left.

I really like this person and enjoy having them around. My partner likes them too and we get along really well in general. I never pursued the dating aspect because of the weird power dynamic with them being basically homeless and living in my house rent free.

There have been some issues. They are messy. I never really know if/when they will be here and had to install a keypad because I don't make spare keys for strangers. They make messes and then I won't see them for a few days. There have been a few accidents that have had resulted in damaged property. Plus the increase in bills (which isn't too bad all things considered).

Here's where I think my assholeness might come in to play...

They desperately want to get out of my house because they have kids and my house is not a suitable place for children beyond the occasional visit (no overnights). Because of this they sometimes stay with their ex overnight. This is whatever, but I have my suspicions about their ex being manipulative and financially abusive. Their ex has spent their money without asking or paying them back and done things that just feel REALLY fishy to me.

Recently they asked me to help them with their finances. Looking over their credit reports, helping them understand different job offers, general financial strategy and planning because they just haven't been able to get any closer to their goals.

We started looking at their budget from a SUPER high level and they really should be able to afford rent in the area (tho it would be tight). Then they told me they haven't saved anything in the time they've live here. They got dicey when I said their spending was likely an issue. We had planned on going over bank and credit card statements to identify the issue, but I get the sense that they really don't want me looking at those things. To be clear, I didn't offer or demand to be involved in their finances, they asked for help.

I want to respect their financial privacy, but my personal privacy been totally invaded because they can't get a hold of it their finances. I don't want to put out an ultimatum, but I also don't want them living here indefinitely especially when they aren't making progress towards the ultimate goal of moving out. So I have been applying pressure and being more forward about sitting down to do this budget.

My partner made the comment that I sound controlling, but I honestly don't ask this person for anything. I wash their dishes, clean their bathroom periodically, do small favors, listen to their woes. They do occasionally help out beyond what I'd expect, but that's pretty rare since they are working their ass off and dealing with kids and ex.

So am I the asshole for being kinda peeved when I see them making bad financial decisions? For prying into their finances? For considering putting a time limit on their stay in my home if I don't see them making progress?

Supporting them emotionally isn't easy and I find myself lying awake at night trying to work out how on earth to get them outta the hole they are in.