Background information— My parents split when i was young, meaning i lived with my mother and older sister for most of my life. both parents were mentally and physically abusive while my mother was also an alcoholic and very neglectful. i didn’t have a support system growing up, which is the main reason why no one knows about my experiences.

When i was between the ages of 6-8 years old my older sister, who is 4 years old than me, would frequently make me go in her bed, as we shared a room. she’d call it a ‘sleepover’ and would play loads of fun games with me, like singing quietly as to not wake our mom or making up little scenarios for our stuffed animals. after a little while of this she would force me to touch her and afterwards would forcibly do the same to me. i knew it was wrong, i knew i didn’t like it, but she was someone i was meant to trust— right? this went on until the courts removed me from my mothers home for unrelated issues, so i moved in with my dad.

once i moved in with my dad the sexual abuse stopped entirely and i saw my sister less and less, and due to my age i ended up forgetting— or possibly blocking out the memories of what happened. the downside was that i started to gain weight, developed anxiety and would have multiple panic attacks. it wasn’t until the past year or two that i had actually remembered the extent of what my sister had done to me, though now that many years passed i didn’t feel like it was appropriate to bring it up, since not only has she never mentioned it beyond that day but i feel like i won’t be believed, which is the fault of my family.

the main reason i can’t get over my hatred for both my parents is not only because they hurt me but because they made me feel like i couldn’t turn to them. i feel like they they ruined me by not noticing the signs, by not caring enough about me to notice the changes. this has been increased tenfold as i was made to see my sister recently and the entire time she sat practically on top of me and on multiple occasions would touch my thigh or lean over me and press her elbow into my lap. how could they not’ve noticed? how could they not’ve seen that even being close to my sister made me look like i was on the verge of tears?

i feel like a complete asshole for hating them, and i really don’t want to hold this type of resentment towards my family but i’m so lost on what to do.