OK, buckle up kiddos. This is a kinda long story! And I have been considering posting here with it for a while. It spans a few years, but let’s do some back story. My partner, Reeve (49 m) moved to my state in the south (US) about 10/12 years ago with his mother (77f) and brother (50m) and about 5 years ago he bought a house. He moved in it with his mother and brother. In this economy, one can’t just live on their own with most professions. That’s cool. I don’t mind. Me (46f) lived until recently with my two children (25m and 21m) my brother (45m) and my mother (76m). It’s a decent situation for bills.

I started dating Reeve just over 3 years ago. It was great. We have the same interests, which are hard to find in people our age. We’re a pretty nerdy sort. So, right after the first date, we started planning the second and so on.

Now, a bit about MY situation. Throughout our dating, I was taking care of my mother. She was acting more and more strange and finally got a diagnosis. She ended up with dementia. And sundowner’s syndrome is a thing. Along with the dementia, she had cataracts that were slowly causing her to go blind, and losing her hearing. This wasn’t the cute dementia you see where they’re sweet and simply forgot names, people and dates. This was full blown evil, violent and topped with paranoid psychosis. 

Reeve had stood by me and helped me in any possible way he could, even when most of my own family slowly faded into the background. Brothers and my mother’s family out of state? Radio silence. They couldn’t be bothered to even support the family dealing with it, even if my mother did them wrong in some way. My brother living with me? Oh, he met a lady. I fully support he was still living his life. He got engaged and faded into the background. That left me and my two boys to handle her up until the end. She passed due to her dementia in August.

During this time, Mary had taken a fall during a walk, broke her knee cap and fractured her shoulder. Reeve took a whole week from work (No pay. Didn’t have vacation left), cared for her, took her to her appointments and cared for her even when he went back to work. I took one of my two days off from my job, after talking to my boys to see if they were ok with their grandmother, and went to Reeve’s home to cook, clean and generally help with his mother. All this was until she was healed enough to do things on her own

That was just background. Everyone loves context. But during that time, Reeve’s mother (From here out, we’ll call her Mary) was stating to him that I was “Spending all his money” And he didn’t “spend time with family” as much. I am VERY independent, and also…let’s just say frugal. If we went out to dinner, I chose a cheaper option. He wanted to buy me something? I’d say don’t because it was on the expensive side. And now and again I’d pay for our outings.

That bothered me to no end, but I let it slide. We come to my mother’s death. I can’t afford the house we were currently renting and couldn’t afford to live on my own. My brother had, now, disappeared into the ether and my boys really wanted to live on their own. I was proud of them for that. Couldn’t stop that. So, I had 2 options. I could pick up, move out of state and become room mates with my best friend who lived in a big city one state over (about a 3 hour drive) or move in with Reeve and his family. Reeve and I very much so agreed that a long distance relationship wasn’t for us. So, he turned around, spoke with family and I ended up moving in with him.

This is when it really hits the fan. When I moved in, it was initially fine. I help clean, I cooked meals when I didn’t work. I left my previous job (management was atrocious) and had a new job as soon as I moved. I took a week between jobs. I needed a break from everything honestly. But, once I started the new job, on days off or even if I got off early enough, I would cook dinner. Everything as fine, until it suddenly wasn’t.

I observe, notice a lot. I don’t talk alot. I work in the restaurant industry and I’m an introvert. Well, Mary doesn’t like that. She tries to rule this house (Reeve’s house) with an iron fist. She has taken it upon herself to be in charge of bills and most sort of spending. No one asked her to, the boys just went with it to keep peace. She is outgoing and constantly has to have conversation. I come home from work, I’m off? I’m in my and Reeve’s room. I am catching up on shows or a video game, all the while, resting a ankle I broke just before covid that has so much metal in it. 

She complains to Reeve I don’t talk to her. I do….when I have something to say. She suddenly didn’t want me to cook anymore. Reeve loves my cooking and wants me to cook more. I love doing it! But I love cooking for people that will eat it. While eating my food Mary had stated she likes food to be bland. I…can’t do that. I like flavor. 

She has demanded the boys give her money or her medical bills from that fall, demanded Reeve buy her new shoes, convinced the ones she wore caused her fall. (She got the same kind) And got angry that when these boys got their yearly bonus, they didn’t pay off HER bills as they had done in the past. Their bonus wasn’t as much as past ones.

And that’s not even it! If she thinks she’s been slighted at all, it’s the silent treatment. Come home and wake her up? (Sometimes we don’t get home until 11pm from work. My job I can work any hours and Reeve has two jobs.) Silent treatment. A switch flipped a few days ago when I said I was nervous trying a local pizza place to Reeve and his mom suggested it. I said it was fine, just nervous about it. (Southern US local pizza is very hit or miss) She hadn’t spoken to either of us since then and it’s been two days now. She tells anyone who will listen she has no one down here. All her friends and family are back up north. She has said this to her two boys that have been staying with her since she moved down here.

And She doesn’t like me one bit. I don’t sit down and have conversations with her every day and apparently Reeve spends all his time with me. If he wants to sit donw and watch a hockey game or talk with her, I’m fine. I’ll do my own thing. Until recently, he was taking her out to breakfast at least once a week. So…I’m not keeping him from anything.

The complaints about living down here are constant. She calls anyone who has gone to school down south stupid, she hates it here. She hates the living conditions now. (Me….I’m living conditions.) In about 3 and a half weeks, she’s taking an indefinite trip up north to stay with a friend and be with family. Am I wrong in hoping she just…stays up there? Reeve and I have talked about marriage. I don’t know if we need this extra stress in our lives.

Sorry this was a lot, and I’ve been struggling to put my thoughts in order to make it more readable.