Am I F(17) the asshole for ignoring my estrange/absent father's (M34) attempts to reach out now, despite how much I needed him to before?

I've been laying here for a while pondering on how the hell to describe our relationship, but frankly, the most accurate way to is that it's practically non-existent, and yet I still know who he is, because we're the same. In appearance, in personality, and in how we both seem to attempt to ignore our problems in hopes they'll disappear.

17 years ago, I was his problem. When my mother gave birth at 16, my father didn't show up - he was scared; everybody was, apparently. I wasn't celebrated, I was feared, which is understandable when you're two teen parents that are completely unready to have a child. Being that age now, I couldn't imagine.

Despite my dad's absence, my mother and grandmother filled the parental roles that needed to be filled; and I didn't realise I didn't exactly have a father until I would have sleepovers at my friend's house, or they'd teach us family dynamics at school. Even then, I never really thought about it. Until I did.

Throughout the ages of 6-10 I saw my dad about 2 times. One out of pure coincidence, and the other when he finally reached out and offered to take me out for the day.

When I started to become more intertwined with my dad's side of the family, I started learning he wasn't exactly a stand up dude - he was an alcoholic, and that much was evident by the stacks of glasses piled up in his home the one time I got to see it.

At 14, when I got my first phone, he started reaching out - every holiday. Birthday, easter, Christmas - whatever. But at this point, I held so much resentment towards him, and so much internalised stress towards the moving pieces of my life, that having that one fixed thing; his absence, brought me a weird sense of comfort. I couldn't handle him wanting to be in my life.

My first step father was abusive, so I guess that depleted my trust in men even further. The man my mother is married to now is nice enough, but he's the father to his own kids. Not me, and that's obvious.

From 14, to now, I've been plagued with these messages - every holiday. I'll pick a few that stood out the most to me;

"OP, I can't express how impressed I am of the woman you've become. I want you to know I love you and I will never be far away."

"Hey miss. I really am proud of you. I really wanna foster our relationship. I love you and I always have."

"Hey, OP. I'd love to talk to you. Please get back to me."

"OP. I love you for everything you are and hope someday we get to sit down and explain some things I do love you with all my heart. I am so proud of you."

"Happy easter, OP. Hope you're doing well. Really do miss you. Really would love to catch up. Hope you have a great day. Love from dad."

I haven't replied to a single one. How can you miss me, when you don't even know me? We're strangers, living two completely different lives, and you claim to love me. To be proud of me. I think he loves and is proud of the concept of a daughter, just as I'm missing and want to fulfill the concept of a father.

This entire thing is affecting my relationships. My relationship now. I have the worst fucking case of avoidant attachment, and I can't stop ruining my relationships but not allowing myself to get vulnerable or let my guard down because of the simple fact that they'll end up abandoning me like my dad did.

I need closure. To either move on, or attempt to repair something that's never existed in the first place. And I spend so long stressing over both that I sit still not doing anything for another year. Avoiding my problems, just as he did then.

I'm struggling to see my worth in it all.

So, AITA for ignoring his attempts to reach out, when that's all I've ever wanted?