AITA for isolating my partner (28NBY) when I myself am disabled(27F)?

So... this one is hard for me, for obvious reasons.

I've always been upfront about my disability. I've always been honest, and have never hidden it. It is bad enough that I receive financial aid, and my highest form of education is 9th grade because thus far the system has failed me and I've not been able to get proper accommodation to so much as get my GED. Simply put: I'm slow. English is not my native tongue, and seizures frequently affect my overall cognitive function, nevermind a lovely lacing of autism to top it off alongside a crackpot of other things I don't feel like getting into.

My partner has known this from the beginning. It's been ten months. I am their first ever relationship, and they've recently disclosed that they already have growing resentments for things I have continously tried to remedy.

Such as...

● When we met, their primary friend group was blackmailing them and already one foot out the door. I tried to help them salvage it for months, but those people were not interested in reconciliation. They were financially and verbally abusive even knowing my partner is mourning both parents, essentially angry with my spouse for not 'getting over' the loss.

Please note that all of the difficulties with them began before I even showed up. One of them was literally my partners roommate, who began dating my partners best friend, and also stopped paying rent for months. My partner had to foot the bill for a three bedroom apartment, and all utilities, by themselves for months on end and is still owed money by these people. Do not assume to know information beyond what is given. I am trying to respect everyones anonymity even if I do not like them. Respectfully, yes, fuck those guys. They hurt my Boo, and I hope they stay gone - but you best believe I fought tooth and nail to help them see reason and stop things from getting so bad that it ended in everyone having to go to court. It never did.

● Since then and up to now, and proceeding into the future as well, I have been and will continue to always encourage my partner to make friends. They... kind of refuse to do so, yet blame me for it by saying that its because I dont want them to be friends with single people? This is not the case.

They are diagnosed with PTSD, and I do believe this plays a part. I have it myself and know what that paranoia is like. They have only just begun treatment, whereas I have had help for mine for over a decade. Basically it's a matter of safety. All I ask is that their friends acknowledge that my Boo has a partner, and take down my phone number. This is purely for if any emergencies happen, so that they have someone to contact. My partners family lives on the opposite coastline and I am the only person here who can be there on short notice, so we would all greatly appreciate it if... yanno... that last people who were with my Boo could give us a heads up?

Somehow that is translating as 'dont befriend single people' instead, and I have no idea how to articulate it beyond what I have written despite that I would literally ask the same of anyone he goes to hang out with regardless of status. I do not need to be friends with all of my partners friends, but they do need to know that I exist and how to contact me in case of emergencies. We are nearly thirty, share a bed, raising a dog together, and have plans for the future several years from now... why is it to much to ask for the other people in his life to know how to contact me if an accident happens on his bowling nights or something?

For the record, I never ask something that I am not willing to do myself. My family, friends, and any future newcomers I spend time with are not exempt from recieving my partners number so that they will be among the first informed if anything happens to me. They would want to know, so why don't I get to?

● Shortly after I came into my partners life, so did someone else. Before we became official, they messed around, and then said person flew away back to where they came from. They remained close, and I tried to befriend this person out of good will. I was a little salty, yes, but often joked that I wished they had thought to invite me along. Reason for this was a misunderstanding: my partner had thought I rejected them, when I'd asked to go slow. We proceeded to pursue a proper relationship after their interactions with said person.

Poly was discussed and decided against. The other person has trauma for it and had no interest in it, nevermind the fact that they lived half a country away. My partner and I became official. Shortly after, I caught them sending nudes. I, of course, confronted them about this. Let me stress, /I DID NOT ASK THIS PERSON TO LEAVE./ I liked them. I appreciated that my partner had someone else to talk to. All I wanted was for them to respect the boundaries of our relationship, and not be sending literal spank bank to my Boo. They've barely spoken since. This is the primary instance my partner accuses me of isolation tactics, and I can see why, but it absolutely was not my intention.

We were official, and the person in question sent them spank bank. I did not ask that person to go away. I just asked them not to send such pictures. Both me and my partner offered to be poly, and that person did not want that. They left of their own accord.

● My partner wants to explore more of their sexuality. I understand this, given that I was their First for... well. Pretty much everything. My counter offer for this is that they do not understand how rare it is to come across a partner as compatible as we are together, especially at our ages. They can't just toss me out, go play, and come crawling back later.

I've literally offered to be Swingers. I have no issue with it, and would prefer to safely engage in such things together safely where they have someone nearby to watch their back in case a playmate ignores the safe word rather than trying to delve into that wild world by themselves with no experience. I am a trafficking survivor, so there are few people they could have at their side for it that could keep them safer. Nevermind my open-mindedness for literally anything they throw my way, yet they cannot seem to fathom it. Their primary concern is the desire to experience being with a male-bodied person, and explore their feminine sides. I have no qualms with this, and actively seek to encourage it. I am more concerned about them doing so safely considering their lack of experience despite their age - many would assume they know far more than they do, especially since they do not communicate verbally so often, and tend to act as though they know more than they do when it comes to the bedroom.

I have no desire to hold them back, but I desperately want them to be safe. I am open to both ethical poly, and swinger lifestyles. For the record, I am legally intersex. They are aware of this. Fluidity is life. To help them feel more free and embracing of themselves, as I am, would mean the world - just to see them love themselves as I love them. Right now... I don't remember the last time we went more than half a week without them whispering about how much they can't stand themselves, and it breaks my heart. They've been like this since long before I met them, and have slowly been getting better.

● My slowness. They provide all of the income at the moment, as mine still goes back to my place despite that I spend all my time here. They've offered to have me on the lease, but it's difficult to feel safe moving in when every other week they threaten to break up with me for something as simple as turning off the radio. They called me insufferable while I was already crying, the other day, all because I took to long studying and making our meal plan that adheres to micronutrients that they themselves picked out so we can lose weight.

I want to contribute more financially. I hate not being able to do so. They get mad that they work, come home, and things aren't as clean as they would like - yet they've promised to help with chores because the build up of mess is related to them having recently moved and never having finished unpacking. It's not my stuff, and we are raising their new puppy to top it off. They brought enough items for a three bedroom apartment into their new one bedroom, and I've been sorting things for donations by myself on top of trying to keep it clean.

General mess needs redone daily, and the sorting goes slow because that also takes time, nevermind the time for exercising the pups or quality time with them... but they get mad because they see no dramatic change in the apartment despite that laundry, dishes, and floors and such don't wash themselves.

I've left before and they will immediately get overwhelmed by trying to keep up by the mess. Promise to do better. Uphold it for like two days, then go back to their old ways and back to blaming me for everything. It leaves me no time to study or even think about finding work, despite that it would help us so much to have more income and a less stereotypically femme/masc dynamic. I mention this because it is something they often get stressed about.

》This is way too long as is. I'm sorry. I know this is probably above reddit pay grade, but I'd love to hear the opinions of some unbiased folks. We have considered couples therapy, and I go weekly myself to individuals.

They used to be in individuals themselves, but changed insurance and are still getting set up with someone new. They are actively mourning many things right now, and have their own host of mental struggles.sometines they get so mean as some kind of self defense mechanism, like they think I'm intentionally trying to hurt them somehow when the thought has never crossed my mind. I suspect this is how they react to flashbacks, which is very different from my own reactions to mine. They fight. I flee, or cower and cry. At the very least that means we de-esculate quickly when we trigger each other.

I guess it's just that whisper of self-doubt in my head. I worry. Am I really isolating them by having asked someone they've fooled around with to not send them pics while they are dating me, accidentally leading to that person not talking to them anymore? Am I holding them back from exploring themselves earnestly by wanting to do so with them in a safe manner, knowing the harm that can come from someone wanting to go out and do so willy nilly? Especially in the American lgbtq community, with the current president. Am I an asshole for wanting help with cleaning an apartment that I'm not even on the lease of so that I have enough time to study for the apprenticeship I want that will help provide income for the life we both have discussed wishing to live?